WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.357 --> 00:00:11.681 Have you ever been disappointed because, honestly, you had an expectation that wasn't met? 2 00:00:12.841 --> 00:00:15.022 Welcome to this week's episode of Living Influence. 3 00:00:15.783 --> 00:00:19.044 I'm your host, Scott Boyd, alongside with my friend and mentor, Bill Frill. 4 00:00:19.125 --> 00:00:19.645 Hey, Scott. 5 00:00:20.185 --> 00:00:22.766 We're going to talk about freedom. 6 00:00:23.067 --> 00:00:23.347 Yes. 7 00:00:23.887 --> 00:00:25.748 And so we're talking about freedom. 8 00:00:27.188 --> 00:00:31.390 alongside these concepts of expectations that we have. 9 00:00:31.811 --> 00:00:46.259 Right before we started rolling the cameras, Bill and I were having a conversation about, do you think the problem is that people don't realize they have expectations inside of them that they've never acknowledged? 10 00:00:46.939 --> 00:00:55.324 Or is it they've had expectations inside of them, but they never feel like they can let someone know that they have that expectation? 11 00:00:55.344 --> 00:00:56.665 Or I'm a Christian. 12 00:00:58.225 --> 00:01:02.366 And somehow I got the idea that I don't have the rights to expectations. 13 00:01:02.426 --> 00:01:04.807 Somehow, do I have the right to have expectations? 14 00:01:06.308 --> 00:01:07.708 And you're supposed to die to yourself. 15 00:01:07.828 --> 00:01:08.328 Exactly. 16 00:01:08.348 --> 00:01:09.329 Yeah, whatever. 17 00:01:09.469 --> 00:01:11.289 Yeah, don't get me started on that one. 18 00:01:11.449 --> 00:01:13.870 But anyway, the reality is this. 19 00:01:14.370 --> 00:01:17.651 Expectations are actually like feelings. 20 00:01:17.992 --> 00:01:18.832 They're always neutral. 21 00:01:19.692 --> 00:01:21.233 So it's not wrong to have an expectation. 22 00:01:21.293 --> 00:01:22.714 It's not wrong to have a feeling. 23 00:01:23.034 --> 00:01:23.795 Can't avoid it. 24 00:01:24.055 --> 00:01:27.277 By the way, you cannot avoid having expectations. 25 00:01:27.317 --> 00:01:29.278 They are innately part of who you are. 26 00:01:30.479 --> 00:01:39.725 As we go through life, we create expectations, very carefully I'm going to say this, for ourselves and others. 27 00:01:40.145 --> 00:01:40.345 Yeah. 28 00:01:40.725 --> 00:01:45.188 I've learned that there are three primary sources of my being wounded. 29 00:01:46.489 --> 00:01:47.650 Three primary sources. 30 00:01:47.670 --> 00:01:47.770 Yeah. 31 00:01:48.111 --> 00:01:48.471 Okay. 32 00:01:48.972 --> 00:01:53.555 Number one, whatever it is you chose to do against me. 33 00:01:53.575 --> 00:01:54.576 Okay. 34 00:01:55.077 --> 00:01:56.358 That really wounds me. 35 00:01:56.438 --> 00:02:00.221 Number two, what I chose to do that really screws me up. 36 00:02:00.761 --> 00:02:08.928 And the third one that we send to as Christians talk the least about is the disappointment and the pain of unmet expectations. 37 00:02:09.408 --> 00:02:09.628 Yeah. 38 00:02:10.089 --> 00:02:11.610 I'm meeting with a couple right now. 39 00:02:11.670 --> 00:02:12.611 They're in their 50s. 40 00:02:13.011 --> 00:02:17.675 He came to see me to talk with me about his marriage, and this is okay. 41 00:02:17.935 --> 00:02:27.904 He clearly, clearly spent that first hour or whatever it was just laying out all these expectations he had. 42 00:02:28.604 --> 00:02:34.089 And in the process of time, I invited we, he and I invited his wife to join us. 43 00:02:34.730 --> 00:02:35.851 It was so interesting. 44 00:02:35.931 --> 00:02:37.832 She didn't even know what we had talked about. 45 00:02:39.113 --> 00:02:39.754 And I know them. 46 00:02:39.834 --> 00:02:44.258 And I said to her, you know, we just invited you because we want to talk about. 47 00:02:44.278 --> 00:02:45.659 She said, I know what you want to talk about. 48 00:02:46.155 --> 00:02:46.895 I said, you do? 49 00:02:47.576 --> 00:02:47.796 Yeah. 50 00:02:47.836 --> 00:02:51.258 She says, you want to talk about all of his expectations? 51 00:02:54.460 --> 00:02:59.483 She said, she says, so do I, because I can't live with them all. 52 00:02:59.723 --> 00:03:01.905 Here's what we need to kind of come to grips with. 53 00:03:02.245 --> 00:03:05.967 How do I live into a relationship? 54 00:03:08.914 --> 00:03:15.119 Where we trust another enough to be honest about what our expectations are. 55 00:03:15.139 --> 00:03:25.209 And I always say at that moment, one of the things we have to be careful to be protected from is when we make our expectations right. 56 00:03:27.077 --> 00:03:28.398 Yeah. 57 00:03:28.478 --> 00:03:30.720 That's where we get into a whole bunch of trouble. 58 00:03:31.340 --> 00:03:40.146 Because the minute I declare that my expectation of you is right, I have the need to defend being right. 59 00:03:41.487 --> 00:03:41.707 Yeah. 60 00:03:41.928 --> 00:03:44.810 And I just created the groundwork for a great argument. 61 00:03:45.410 --> 00:03:52.295 Paul's got a little statement in Galatians where he talks about the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world. 62 00:03:53.937 --> 00:03:59.258 And I really think he is talking about, we use this concept of right and wrong. 63 00:03:59.338 --> 00:04:00.019 Right. 64 00:04:00.379 --> 00:04:04.200 And we get in an argument with each other about right and wrong. 65 00:04:04.800 --> 00:04:06.800 And it isn't about right and wrong at all. 66 00:04:07.301 --> 00:04:07.921 Good for you. 67 00:04:08.481 --> 00:04:10.381 That's the nail right there. 68 00:04:10.401 --> 00:04:11.922 We're hitting that on the head right now. 69 00:04:12.162 --> 00:04:16.163 How do I create with you a safe place for us 70 00:04:18.582 --> 00:04:22.564 to honestly talk through with each other the expectations we have. 71 00:04:23.425 --> 00:04:47.377 How does a young couple entering marriage find a time and a consultant or a counselor or a dear friend where they can talk about what has been pent up in them since they were a little child that somehow are going to come out of them involuntarily, it seems like always the wrong moments, when things are heated up? 72 00:04:48.155 --> 00:04:58.221 But what if we were wise enough, instead of waiting to those moments of conflict, what if we could sit down together and talk about our expectations? 73 00:04:58.742 --> 00:05:05.266 If you as a couple struggle with the disappointments of unmet expectations, I'm going to give you a different thing to think about. 74 00:05:05.646 --> 00:05:10.169 I'd like you to sit down together and just do this exercise. 75 00:05:11.389 --> 00:05:15.212 What are, here are the key words here, what are our expectations? 76 00:05:16.513 --> 00:05:20.959 Expectations for our marriage. 77 00:05:21.239 --> 00:05:23.742 Not what are my expectations of you, 78 00:05:24.948 --> 00:05:28.590 that I'm going to defend to be right, and what are your expectations of me? 79 00:05:29.091 --> 00:05:33.013 And I can tell immediately you're disappointed with me again. 80 00:05:33.474 --> 00:05:37.757 Take the me out of it and create a we. 81 00:05:37.777 --> 00:05:44.341 A we, what do we would like the expectations to be for our marriage? 82 00:05:45.262 --> 00:05:50.885 It is amazing the difference in that, Scott, because when they sit together with a we— 83 00:05:52.026 --> 00:05:56.390 They will actually face the same expectations they had of each other. 84 00:05:56.891 --> 00:05:59.193 But now they're doing it in the context of we. 85 00:05:59.453 --> 00:06:00.714 So they actually could talk about them. 86 00:06:01.955 --> 00:06:03.156 And they do talk about them. 87 00:06:03.517 --> 00:06:04.998 When you make that slice switch... 88 00:06:06.758 --> 00:06:11.224 I want you guys to sit down and both of you write down your expectations of each other. 89 00:06:11.885 --> 00:06:12.646 And you switch it. 90 00:06:12.926 --> 00:06:18.974 And you go, okay, I want you to both together write down your expectations for our marriage. 91 00:06:19.094 --> 00:06:19.735 Exactly. 92 00:06:19.875 --> 00:06:21.056 So you do this communal. 93 00:06:21.076 --> 00:06:21.236 Exactly. 94 00:06:21.597 --> 00:06:22.238 Exactly. 95 00:06:22.741 --> 00:06:26.783 Your experience is they still write down all their expectations they had for each other. 96 00:06:26.983 --> 00:06:27.543 Exactly. 97 00:06:27.603 --> 00:06:28.764 But now they're doing it. 98 00:06:28.784 --> 00:06:33.406 Because we've taken the spiritual, selfish word out of the game. 99 00:06:33.686 --> 00:06:34.026 Right. 100 00:06:34.327 --> 00:06:35.447 And we can say them. 101 00:06:35.847 --> 00:06:36.368 And they do. 102 00:06:36.848 --> 00:06:37.728 And they do, yeah. 103 00:06:38.048 --> 00:06:42.430 And I always give them, you know, when you're doing this, you have to call time out. 104 00:06:43.351 --> 00:06:43.551 Yeah. 105 00:06:43.571 --> 00:06:49.974 Because every once in a while, like that couple, he gets so pent up and gets so void, he just overwhelms her. 106 00:06:50.274 --> 00:06:51.975 So I just say to them, you have to call time out. 107 00:06:53.154 --> 00:06:55.236 Well, what do you mean call time out? 108 00:06:55.316 --> 00:06:56.117 You're not listening. 109 00:06:56.137 --> 00:06:57.078 You're not hearing right now. 110 00:06:57.118 --> 00:06:57.638 Call time out. 111 00:06:59.119 --> 00:07:00.861 I love this part because I've been doing it for years. 112 00:07:01.311 --> 00:07:02.752 And I say, I want you to call timeout. 113 00:07:03.332 --> 00:07:11.475 And then whoever feels the pressure right now that I'm being overwhelmed by you needing to be right, you get to call timeout. 114 00:07:11.615 --> 00:07:15.716 But what you get to do in calling timeout is you reach over and you touch your mate. 115 00:07:16.197 --> 00:07:17.837 And they'll go, I don't want to touch him right then. 116 00:07:17.857 --> 00:07:18.157 I'm mad. 117 00:07:18.197 --> 00:07:20.518 And I know that's why I want you to touch him. 118 00:07:20.598 --> 00:07:23.699 I want to bring it back to the relationship, not to the issue. 119 00:07:24.480 --> 00:07:24.700 Yeah. 120 00:07:24.800 --> 00:07:28.481 You keep bringing it back to the relationship and together you'll start to face the issue. 121 00:07:29.081 --> 00:07:29.802 One of the models. 122 00:07:29.822 --> 00:07:30.382 Yeah. 123 00:07:30.882 --> 00:07:38.950 that's being used in a lot of Christian environments is we're married and my wife has issues and I have issues. 124 00:07:39.311 --> 00:07:42.834 And therefore, she's got to go to somebody, get her issues taken care of. 125 00:07:42.894 --> 00:07:45.016 I got to go to somebody, take my issues taken care of. 126 00:07:45.337 --> 00:07:50.422 So what we do is we separate from each other to deal with our issues, so to speak. 127 00:07:51.162 --> 00:07:53.565 And I say to them, I don't like that model. 128 00:07:54.606 --> 00:07:54.826 Yeah. 129 00:07:55.133 --> 00:07:56.053 Do you know what God did? 130 00:07:56.173 --> 00:07:57.013 He made you one. 131 00:07:58.314 --> 00:08:03.215 Do you know when he made you one that her issues are now your issues, that your issues are now her issues? 132 00:08:03.535 --> 00:08:05.315 Why don't you figure out how to do the we? 133 00:08:06.256 --> 00:08:06.976 Yeah. 134 00:08:07.136 --> 00:08:10.077 So what happens is we create a false expectation. 135 00:08:10.097 --> 00:08:10.997 I'm very careful here. 136 00:08:11.677 --> 00:08:13.317 We create a false expectation. 137 00:08:13.877 --> 00:08:18.318 Our relationship would be better if you would just get your issues taken care of. 138 00:08:18.999 --> 00:08:19.219 Yeah. 139 00:08:19.499 --> 00:08:23.220 And until you do, I'm going to be like this. 140 00:08:23.600 --> 00:08:23.840 Yeah. 141 00:08:23.920 --> 00:08:24.560 Stop that. 142 00:08:25.700 --> 00:08:27.140 Create a different expectation. 143 00:08:27.820 --> 00:08:30.521 Create a biblical, grounded-in-God expectation. 144 00:08:31.261 --> 00:08:33.862 How do we learn to live as one? 145 00:08:34.542 --> 00:08:38.003 But I just, I love blaming you for all your issues. 146 00:08:38.943 --> 00:08:42.324 I love it because that gives me a whole bunch of excuses to avoid you. 147 00:08:42.724 --> 00:08:48.005 But this guy Bill, he's saying, wait a minute, what if I came over and touched you? 148 00:08:48.405 --> 00:08:50.545 Because couples sometimes actually listen to me. 149 00:08:52.506 --> 00:08:53.426 Put your pinky out. 150 00:08:54.386 --> 00:08:55.928 I've had couples do this. 151 00:08:56.809 --> 00:08:59.012 Because I said, Okay. 152 00:08:59.052 --> 00:09:00.934 It was a touch. 153 00:09:01.014 --> 00:09:01.615 I touched it. 154 00:09:01.695 --> 00:09:02.636 I touched it. 155 00:09:02.756 --> 00:09:03.697 We did what Bill said. 156 00:09:04.418 --> 00:09:06.180 Because what happens is 157 00:09:07.583 --> 00:09:16.728 When our expectations are creating a conflict, we want to declare being right. 158 00:09:17.829 --> 00:09:23.412 And any time in any relationship where I feel the need to be right, I am doing something. 159 00:09:24.312 --> 00:09:29.455 I am separating myself from you while we deal with your behavior. 160 00:09:30.556 --> 00:09:30.776 Yeah. 161 00:09:31.096 --> 00:09:32.337 That's the tragedy. 162 00:09:33.137 --> 00:09:35.339 So do I have expectations? 163 00:09:35.479 --> 00:09:35.859 I do. 164 00:09:37.205 --> 00:09:37.606 I do. 165 00:09:38.286 --> 00:09:45.192 I have expectations that I know now are going to be expressed in a variety of ways. 166 00:09:45.232 --> 00:09:50.496 The best way that I can express them is to tell the person, but I do have expectations. 167 00:09:51.157 --> 00:09:59.524 Now, Bill Thrault, be careful, because I have the expectation, have I learned enough about grace that 168 00:10:01.229 --> 00:10:07.451 to be able to say to whoever, to my friend Scott, Scott, I'd like to talk to you about this expectation. 169 00:10:07.471 --> 00:10:08.231 Here are the key words. 170 00:10:08.711 --> 00:10:09.171 You know what? 171 00:10:09.532 --> 00:10:12.593 I may be wrong, but I have to express it to you. 172 00:10:13.353 --> 00:10:13.553 Yeah. 173 00:10:13.633 --> 00:10:15.253 Can you hear what I'm saying? 174 00:10:15.994 --> 00:10:17.094 How do you feel? 175 00:10:17.874 --> 00:10:23.536 But when I make my expectation a demand, I can promise you a defense. 176 00:10:24.656 --> 00:10:29.438 I say to a lot of people, every time you're in a relationship with someone, 177 00:10:30.558 --> 00:10:40.405 And you get a reaction, I can promise you an unmet expectation just took place. 178 00:10:41.446 --> 00:10:41.686 Mm-hmm. 179 00:10:41.766 --> 00:10:48.451 Reaction in a relationship is always the evidence of an expectation not met. 180 00:10:48.611 --> 00:10:49.792 You know what a response is? 181 00:10:50.592 --> 00:10:52.394 The evidence of an expectation met. 182 00:10:53.995 --> 00:10:54.155 Mm-hmm. 183 00:10:55.519 --> 00:11:17.004 So in our relationships, as we think through this huge thing of freedom, what if we had the freedom in our relationships of trust to express our expectations and then to process together the disappointment we experience when our expectation's not bad? 184 00:11:17.924 --> 00:11:21.325 See, because in a relationship, when you get a reaction— 185 00:11:22.154 --> 00:11:25.317 Or when I get a reaction from you, you know what I do? 186 00:11:25.777 --> 00:11:27.078 I react to your reaction. 187 00:11:27.098 --> 00:11:27.839 Oh, yeah. 188 00:11:28.119 --> 00:11:31.602 And then what you do is you react to the fact that I reacted to your reaction. 189 00:11:31.942 --> 00:11:37.507 Now we're in a full-blown argument, and neither one of us can remember what we're arguing about. 190 00:11:38.196 --> 00:11:38.436 Right. 191 00:11:38.596 --> 00:11:39.677 But we're just both mad. 192 00:11:40.118 --> 00:11:40.978 Yeah. 193 00:11:41.219 --> 00:11:43.020 So I want to just repeat part of this. 194 00:11:43.601 --> 00:11:44.962 We have expectations. 195 00:11:45.282 --> 00:11:47.584 They are not in and of themselves right or wrong. 196 00:11:47.704 --> 00:11:52.248 Never make an expectation a right because it will always create a conflict. 197 00:11:53.289 --> 00:11:54.690 But look for in a relationship. 198 00:11:54.710 --> 00:11:55.711 We already talked about this. 199 00:11:56.211 --> 00:12:00.435 Look for in a relationship permission to express that expectation. 200 00:12:01.140 --> 00:12:04.803 But always with this in mind, you know, I have this expectation. 201 00:12:04.823 --> 00:12:05.923 What do you think about that? 202 00:12:06.584 --> 00:12:10.967 How do you feel that I have this expectation about you and about us? 203 00:12:11.387 --> 00:12:12.768 Well, could we talk about it? 204 00:12:13.109 --> 00:12:25.898 I can almost promise anyone, I can promise you that if you would sit with the key people in your life and talk to them about the expectations you have— 205 00:12:26.637 --> 00:12:32.388 of them, in the context of you may not be right, you will have gained an audience. 206 00:12:33.510 --> 00:12:33.791 Yeah. 207 00:12:35.058 --> 00:12:43.182 Yeah, I think hidden expectations, we don't feel comfortable to express them. 208 00:12:43.402 --> 00:12:43.662 Right. 209 00:12:44.123 --> 00:12:46.744 And so we have hidden expectations. 210 00:12:47.464 --> 00:12:49.105 They continue to get not met. 211 00:12:50.326 --> 00:12:52.787 And I continue to get disappointed. 212 00:12:53.147 --> 00:12:54.408 Breeds for dysfunction. 213 00:12:54.628 --> 00:12:58.590 Breeds for me thinking maybe something's wrong with me. 214 00:12:59.571 --> 00:13:01.032 that my expectation isn't met. 215 00:13:01.112 --> 00:13:03.434 Or me being convinced there's really something wrong. 216 00:13:03.514 --> 00:13:05.516 Or maybe it was something, or I judge. 217 00:13:05.736 --> 00:13:05.936 Yeah. 218 00:13:05.956 --> 00:13:07.057 Maybe there's something really wrong. 219 00:13:07.077 --> 00:13:07.697 You're saying it. 220 00:13:07.737 --> 00:13:08.838 You're saying it's very well. 221 00:13:08.958 --> 00:13:10.400 You end up in either place. 222 00:13:10.620 --> 00:13:11.781 Right. 223 00:13:11.981 --> 00:13:17.265 And the key is to realize, oh, wait, I'm disappointed because I have an expectation. 224 00:13:17.526 --> 00:13:17.826 Right. 225 00:13:18.406 --> 00:13:19.848 Let me bring that into the light. 226 00:13:20.128 --> 00:13:20.228 Ah. 227 00:13:21.448 --> 00:13:22.630 Yeah, and guess what? 228 00:13:22.650 --> 00:13:23.350 It's going to be hard. 229 00:13:23.691 --> 00:13:25.012 But I want to just be fair to everybody. 230 00:13:25.053 --> 00:13:27.636 The things we talk about here are not easy. 231 00:13:28.397 --> 00:13:38.109 We have not, most of us, have not grown up in relationships and environments where we have been able to express even our disappointments. 232 00:13:39.183 --> 00:13:39.383 Yeah. 233 00:13:40.565 --> 00:13:43.168 And so you were talking about these hidden expectations. 234 00:13:43.589 --> 00:13:44.330 Do you know what? 235 00:13:44.790 --> 00:13:47.894 They always come out, even though we don't say them. 236 00:13:48.135 --> 00:13:48.375 Yeah. 237 00:13:48.816 --> 00:13:49.657 You know how they get out? 238 00:13:49.997 --> 00:13:50.918 In our reactions. 239 00:13:51.199 --> 00:13:51.419 Yeah. 240 00:13:51.800 --> 00:13:54.463 And the other person having to deal with the reaction— 241 00:13:55.224 --> 00:13:58.666 but they don't know what they did that disappointed you because you never told them. 242 00:13:59.126 --> 00:14:11.773 This idea of, wow, so now the guy who's talking, I'm very careful in my key relationships to really talk through my expectations. 243 00:14:12.253 --> 00:14:13.113 I'm very careful. 244 00:14:13.153 --> 00:14:14.154 You know that about me. 245 00:14:14.254 --> 00:14:14.454 Yeah. 246 00:14:14.534 --> 00:14:15.355 You do that with me. 247 00:14:15.535 --> 00:14:15.855 I do. 248 00:14:16.415 --> 00:14:19.618 And the reason we're doing that is because of what we're sharing right now. 249 00:14:20.319 --> 00:14:36.512 Because I have lived in the environment, especially growing up, where, oh my gosh, you guys, it is really hard to live in a family where you never get to express your disappointment. 250 00:14:37.453 --> 00:14:37.653 Yeah. 251 00:14:38.694 --> 00:14:47.680 Because the family is so unhealthy that disappointment creates blame, and blame creates defense, and defense creates right. 252 00:14:48.420 --> 00:15:02.870 And so you just cycle through the misbehavior for years and years and years until, by God's grace, a character like me gets the privilege of having a woman like Grace love him. 253 00:15:02.890 --> 00:15:06.252 I really believe that I fell in love with Grace before she fell in love with me. 254 00:15:06.493 --> 00:15:07.053 Kind of scared me. 255 00:15:08.074 --> 00:15:14.383 because I knew I was in love with her, but I was afraid that she may not fall in love with me, and then what do I do? 256 00:15:14.623 --> 00:15:16.085 Did you say, I love you, first? 257 00:15:16.946 --> 00:15:17.307 I did. 258 00:15:17.327 --> 00:15:18.108 Okay. 259 00:15:18.308 --> 00:15:19.249 And was that scary? 260 00:15:19.530 --> 00:15:20.371 Oh, my gosh. 261 00:15:21.072 --> 00:15:22.333 It was horrifically terrifying. 262 00:15:22.414 --> 00:15:22.914 Terrifying. 263 00:15:22.994 --> 00:15:24.657 Because I wasn't sure I'd get the love back. 264 00:15:25.137 --> 00:15:25.357 Yeah. 265 00:15:26.037 --> 00:15:32.620 So I remember very clearly, I never, I didn't have enough money for a car, so I took the bus from my brother's house to Grace's house. 266 00:15:33.421 --> 00:15:36.182 And I remember the night that Grace told me she loved me. 267 00:15:36.202 --> 00:15:37.542 And I knew what that meant to us. 268 00:15:38.223 --> 00:15:42.625 And at least in our generation, for a young woman to say she loved me, that meant she was going to marry me. 269 00:15:42.785 --> 00:15:45.186 It was like, well, I'm committed to you, Bill. 270 00:15:45.906 --> 00:15:49.167 And I remember kind of bouncing down the street to the bus stop. 271 00:15:49.728 --> 00:15:50.628 And I got on the bus. 272 00:15:52.570 --> 00:16:04.615 And I had this overwhelming sense of joy that the expectation that I had that this woman would actually love me and that we were going to get married, I was just, I was bubbling with joy. 273 00:16:05.095 --> 00:16:10.437 So I get on a bus and sitting across, right behind the bus driver is this large woman. 274 00:16:10.977 --> 00:16:15.099 And the bus driver is this large, he told me he's Italian, this large Italian man. 275 00:16:15.759 --> 00:16:17.581 And so I told them about this. 276 00:16:17.701 --> 00:16:22.325 I wish that bus ride had been recorded because I started to tell them about this girl. 277 00:16:22.805 --> 00:16:26.588 And they had some of the best marriage advice for me you could have ever imagined. 278 00:16:26.969 --> 00:16:31.212 And we talked about life and about marriage and about family. 279 00:16:31.593 --> 00:16:32.553 And we laughed. 280 00:16:32.914 --> 00:16:34.815 And this is the interesting part of the trip. 281 00:16:34.875 --> 00:16:40.520 It took 40 minutes to get from that bus stop to way south of Milwaukee where my brother lived. 282 00:16:40.941 --> 00:16:42.442 And nobody else got on the bus. 283 00:16:43.607 --> 00:16:44.968 We just stopped, nobody get on. 284 00:16:45.388 --> 00:16:53.291 And for whatever it was, 30, 40 minutes, I just spent, I say to some audience, I hope they're both in heaven. 285 00:16:53.331 --> 00:16:56.552 I just want to rehearse it with them because it was such a special time. 286 00:16:57.232 --> 00:17:00.953 I experienced a lot of wounding as a child, so I wasn't sure I'd ever be loved well. 287 00:17:02.314 --> 00:17:04.995 So I had an expectation that someday somebody would love me. 288 00:17:06.491 --> 00:17:13.753 And when Grace told me she did, I get really emotional right now because when she told me she did, a great expectation of my life. 289 00:17:14.493 --> 00:17:19.854 But something else happened in me in those moments down the street to the bus stop. 290 00:17:21.494 --> 00:17:29.136 At that moment, I, in those moments, and I told Grace all of this, but in those moments, this is a voice of God that I heard. 291 00:17:29.816 --> 00:17:34.437 Bill, I've given you grace, my wife, to be. 292 00:17:36.905 --> 00:17:40.726 And I went, that just gets me really much, but I went, God. 293 00:17:42.446 --> 00:17:48.447 Do you mean, I mean so much to you that you would actually allow me to have a woman like Grace for a wife? 294 00:17:49.688 --> 00:17:49.988 Wow. 295 00:17:51.728 --> 00:17:54.029 That's how deeply touched I was. 296 00:17:54.089 --> 00:17:54.289 Yeah. 297 00:17:55.169 --> 00:17:57.709 Now, I say that as an encouragement. 298 00:17:59.630 --> 00:18:04.551 How do we help people get out of the entrapments 299 00:18:06.577 --> 00:18:11.982 of living in relationships where it's always a me and never a we. 300 00:18:13.003 --> 00:18:16.686 How do we get people to move into a we dynamic? 301 00:18:17.367 --> 00:18:23.432 So the disappointments from unmet expectations have an opportunity to be expressed. 302 00:18:24.393 --> 00:18:26.475 So we can discover the freedom. 303 00:18:26.555 --> 00:18:27.275 Here's the deal. 304 00:18:28.476 --> 00:18:29.517 Deal number 97. 305 00:18:29.537 --> 00:18:30.198 But here's the deal. 306 00:18:32.022 --> 00:18:36.166 I don't ever say to somebody, well, I want to teach you how to live without disappointments. 307 00:18:36.366 --> 00:18:37.948 No, that's stupid. 308 00:18:38.468 --> 00:18:41.631 No, what I want to do is, how do I help you? 309 00:18:43.263 --> 00:18:50.706 learn to have the freedom to face the disappointments that you experience because of unmet expectations. 310 00:18:51.846 --> 00:18:53.387 That's the message of grace. 311 00:18:54.628 --> 00:18:57.309 The message of grace is never, well, you're not going to fail. 312 00:18:57.329 --> 00:18:59.870 The message of grace is that you're never not going to sin. 313 00:19:00.130 --> 00:19:10.954 No, the message of grace is, I'm going to give you an answer to the greatest causes of pain in you, and my name is God. 314 00:19:14.304 --> 00:19:15.105 Would you let me? 315 00:19:15.285 --> 00:19:15.906 That's beautiful. 316 00:19:17.288 --> 00:19:17.588 Amen. 317 00:19:17.989 --> 00:19:19.351 I got one story to tell you. 318 00:19:19.391 --> 00:19:19.771 Please. 319 00:19:21.073 --> 00:19:24.517 So I'm in courtship with my new wife. 320 00:19:24.737 --> 00:19:25.679 Or, you know, I don't know. 321 00:19:25.699 --> 00:19:27.701 We're just talking on the phone all the time. 322 00:19:28.242 --> 00:19:32.347 And so I'm talking to her on the phone, and I'm beginning to fall for her. 323 00:19:33.048 --> 00:19:34.649 I'm loving her personality. 324 00:19:34.789 --> 00:19:36.210 I'm loving her story. 325 00:19:36.510 --> 00:19:37.851 I know her family. 326 00:19:38.392 --> 00:19:39.772 She had left me a message. 327 00:19:40.053 --> 00:19:40.453 Oh, wow. 328 00:19:40.633 --> 00:19:43.034 And at the end of the message, she says, that's all I got. 329 00:19:43.055 --> 00:19:43.255 Bye-bye. 330 00:19:43.295 --> 00:19:43.915 I love you. 331 00:19:44.595 --> 00:19:45.336 And then hung up. 332 00:19:45.696 --> 00:19:46.717 And I listened to the message. 333 00:19:46.757 --> 00:19:49.158 And I'm like, oh, my gosh. 334 00:19:49.299 --> 00:19:50.099 She loved me. 335 00:19:50.439 --> 00:19:51.160 Great story. 336 00:19:51.260 --> 00:19:52.581 And I'm like so excited. 337 00:19:52.601 --> 00:19:55.783 And I'm really, I think she slipped up, you know. 338 00:19:56.043 --> 00:19:58.484 And just that slipped out because she does love me. 339 00:19:59.305 --> 00:20:02.347 And then I discover later on she does that with everyone. 340 00:20:02.367 --> 00:20:02.447 Wow. 341 00:20:05.935 --> 00:20:08.556 She hadn't turned the corner yet, but I thought she had. 342 00:20:09.096 --> 00:20:11.817 So anyway, just with your story, Grant. 343 00:20:11.877 --> 00:20:12.917 Okay, great for you. 344 00:20:12.957 --> 00:20:13.718 Good for you. 345 00:20:14.198 --> 00:20:16.498 But God led you to her and with her. 346 00:20:17.159 --> 00:20:19.119 Look at the precious life you have. 347 00:20:19.179 --> 00:20:21.660 Oh, and we— Look at your precious life. 348 00:20:21.720 --> 00:20:26.182 Yes, and we regularly have conversations about expectations. 349 00:20:26.602 --> 00:20:27.262 Good. 350 00:20:27.742 --> 00:20:28.962 You know, like something happened. 351 00:20:28.983 --> 00:20:29.883 Somebody reacted. 352 00:20:30.223 --> 00:20:30.403 Right. 353 00:20:30.563 --> 00:20:31.463 We circle back. 354 00:20:31.603 --> 00:20:33.304 Can we talk about that reaction? 355 00:20:33.964 --> 00:20:34.605 Excellent. 356 00:20:34.985 --> 00:20:39.167 And we begin to dive deeper and understand each other. 357 00:20:39.207 --> 00:20:40.408 It's been amazing. 358 00:20:40.508 --> 00:20:41.489 It is amazing. 359 00:20:41.549 --> 00:20:41.949 Yeah. 360 00:20:42.129 --> 00:20:46.332 And to me, it continues to be the evidence of your health. 361 00:20:46.715 --> 00:20:46.995 Yeah. 362 00:20:47.315 --> 00:20:47.715 Thank you. 363 00:20:47.775 --> 00:20:48.395 Thank you, God. 364 00:20:48.435 --> 00:20:48.616 Yeah. 365 00:20:48.876 --> 00:20:49.456 Thank you, God. 366 00:20:49.976 --> 00:20:50.396 All right. 367 00:20:50.476 --> 00:20:53.897 So that's it for Expectations and Freedom this week. 368 00:20:54.077 --> 00:20:57.258 We appreciate you tuning in to Living Influence. 369 00:20:57.598 --> 00:20:58.498 One last commercial. 370 00:20:58.778 --> 00:21:00.939 We have a conference coming up in September. 371 00:21:00.959 --> 00:21:01.879 We'd love to see you there. 372 00:21:01.899 --> 00:21:04.320 It's called livinginfluenceleadership.com. 373 00:21:05.160 --> 00:21:06.100 It'll be in Denver. 374 00:21:06.480 --> 00:21:07.280 It's a real deal. 375 00:21:07.400 --> 00:21:12.822 We're going to spoil you, and you're going to get to spend two and a half days with the original OG. 376 00:21:14.162 --> 00:21:15.203 of this grace message. 377 00:21:15.263 --> 00:21:17.205 Not really, but that's what I like to call him. 378 00:21:17.245 --> 00:21:20.148 Bill, myself, and Voldemort Cole, we'd love to see you there. 379 00:21:20.909 --> 00:21:22.870 And we hope to see you next week on Living Influence. 380 00:21:22.910 --> 00:21:23.611 Thanks for being here. 381 00:21:24.412 --> 00:21:26.634 Thanks again for listening to Living Influence. 382 00:21:27.074 --> 00:21:27.975 We appreciate you. 383 00:21:28.856 --> 00:21:34.381 We'd love it if you'd go to livinginfluence.com, contact us, and send us an email. 384 00:21:34.681 --> 00:21:35.722 We'd love to know what you're thinking. 385 00:21:36.663 --> 00:21:37.304 See you next week.