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Do your children trust you?

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Welcome to this week's episode of Living Influence.

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I'm your host, Scott Boyd, with my good friend, Bill Thrall.

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Good to be here.

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We're going to start a series on parenting.

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As we've done our podcasts over the last year or so, some of our most popular podcasts have been with parenting.

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I believe the greatest gift you'll ever give to your child is to be someone they can trust.

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I can't imagine anything more important in the life of a child than to have a parent they can trust.

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Yeah.

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And so I want to be somebody my children trust.

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Right.

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What are the things I got to think about that enable that to be true?

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Thank you.

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Well, the first one is I have to be willing to be known.

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I have to be willing to be known.

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As a dad, I want to be really wise together with all of you.

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Being a dad is really important.

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Being a mom is really important.

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Authority in the role is really important.

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All that good stuff, but nothing is as important as for a child to have a dad they know.

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Yeah.

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Because I cannot be trusted until I'm known.

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Yeah.

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And my children, and we're going to have a whole podcast on this, our children can respond to us as parents and comply to us.

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Yeah.

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And it really affects their behavior.

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Mm-hmm.

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But if we want to have a lasting influence in our children's lives, maybe even a transformational influence in our children's lives, it'll be because they trust us.

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Part of your question, Scott, for me is this answer.

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The reason my children need to trust me so I can love them.

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Right.

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Love them, guide them, actually influence them.

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Influence them, teach them truth.

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Yeah.

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So my children, and we just said a lot of words, and I want to back into each one of them, our children desperately want to be loved by us.

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And we may say that we love them, but they'll never experience the love we have for them until they trust us.

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Yeah, and they won't trust us if they don't know us.

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Exactly.

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So let's dig into the knowing part.

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So it's...

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My three-year-old, I don't have to tell my three-year-old my whole life story.

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Of course not.

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For my three-year-old to know me.

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No.

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But I do need to be authentic and not hide my person from my children.

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Exactly.

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That's a hard thing for lots of parents because we've made mistakes.

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Yeah.

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We may continue to be making mistakes.

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As you know, Scott, I have lots of stories, and I was invited by a friend to meet with this group of PhDs in theology who were setting up seminaries all over the world, and I was

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The guy who runs it with my friend invited me, and he wanted to hear what we were doing.

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But early on in our conversation, he said that he had a real serious problem with his 15- or 16-year-old daughter.

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And we got into our meeting and the whole thing.

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Just before I was getting a read, I said to him, tell me more about your daughter.

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He said, what?

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Tell me more about your daughter.

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Tell me more.

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And he started to share some of the struggles.

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And I said this to him.

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It's the very point we're making.

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I said to him, I don't think your daughter knows you.

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Yeah.

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I think your daughter has idealized you and believes that because of the mistakes she's making, she is nothing but a continuing disappointment to you.

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Wow.

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So this idealized parent, it happens because he... Because he made it seem like he never made a mistake.

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Yeah.

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He made it seem like he had sin under control.

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It made it seem like everything about him was wonderful.

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And so I said to him, this is my recommendation,

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I don't know if you'll do it, but this is my recommendation.

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I think you should go home and ask your daughter to meet with you, and I want you to tell her something you've done in the past that really was something regretful for you, something really seriously wrong.

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Oh, I can't do that.

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I know, but I'm telling you.

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You tell me what your daughter needs, that's what your daughter needs.

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So he goes home.

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And he sits with his daughter and he tells him this honest story and her response was so perfect.

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She said, Dad, I think you're lying to me.

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What do you mean I'm lying to you?

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You're just telling me that so I'll feel better.

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You never did anything like that.

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And he calls me up and he says, Bill, it didn't go very well.

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No, I said it went perfectly.

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Now go back and tell her two more stories.

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Okay.

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Yeah.

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And to make a long story short, and if he were here, he would say to you, it was too simple to have that big an impact.

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Oh, for him, he thought it was too simple.

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To have that big an impact.

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Yeah.

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And he said, when I told her the second and third story, and we wept together, and for the first time in my relationship with my teenage daughter,

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She let me hold her.

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She let me talk to her.

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And he said, what I meant when he said it was so simple, he said, could it be that simple that I just was, and I said to him, let me guess something.

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What are you going to guess?

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You were afraid to tell your daughter you screwed her because you thought it was going to give her permission to screw up, didn't you?

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Yeah.

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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

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Yeah, yeah.

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I said, listen carefully, everybody, listen carefully.

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Our children do not need us to be perfect.

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In fact, it's our ability to deal with our imperfection by God's grace that gives them the hope for their imperfections.

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Yeah.

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So when I can be open and honest with my child, my kid, and let him know my struggle, that gives him a place to stand where his negative voice isn't so loud anymore.

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Exactly.

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Because when I'm able to be honest about what's true about me and the process of God's grace in my life, it creates hope, not distance, with the child.

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So one of the things that you asked me was, what are some of these things?

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And so one thing that I always come to is this, can I be known?

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The second thing I would say this is, am I willing to earn their trust?

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I would make a big distinction here, Scott.

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My name is Dad.

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You should trust me.

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Yeah.

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Not going to work.

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That's not going to work.

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Yeah.

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That's not going to work.

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The word Dad comes with authority.

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It just comes with authority.

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I'm in charge.

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My name is Dad, and you're going to do what I say because my name is Dad.

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And we assume that our authority will, in fact, correct their behavior.

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It does just the opposite.

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Authority is something, I hate to say this truth, our children were born with a nature of sin in them that naturally, naturally,

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rebels against the authority.

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Yeah, yeah.

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It's just like our relationship with God.

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It is no different.

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So I have a story of a family, and there's a daughter, and she was 17, came home with a boy, and the dad didn't like the boy.

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And so the dad goes, I forbid you to date him.

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Good move, good move, dad.

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And so she married him.

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And they could move that.

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And then they've got a divorce.

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Sure, of course.

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And it's finished.

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Right.

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It just is, there's a mess from that.

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Scott.

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And it's like, just lay the law down like that.

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And it just always brings.

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Well, let's bring this even deeper.

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Okay.

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I love your last line there.

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You know what God did?

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He gave the law.

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Yeah.

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He did.

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He had the authority to give the law.

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And he gave it.

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And humanity proved something.

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They were unrighteous.

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Yeah.

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So they couldn't keep the law.

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But let's model something as dads and mothers.

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God knew something about humanity.

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He had created a being in sin that would rebel against his authority.

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When you only see the authority of God, you'll never know the person of God.

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That's a really important insight.

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As a parent, if your children only know your authority, they will never know your person.

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So watch, everybody, watch what God did.

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God became a person who laid aside his authority.

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That's a very important biblical truth has to do with parenting.

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Jesus modeled something for us.

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He who had all the authority of God became a man, laid aside his authority so humanity would know his person.

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Now, this is so critical to parenting in my opinion.

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Do my children know me?

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Am I afraid to be known?

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Am I as a dad, am I as a mother still living in the shame of behavior that is robbing me of who I am?

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I know this is super negative, but we're going to get to this in another podcast, but I want to say it now.

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Our children's God.

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will catch what we model before they ever catch what we teach.

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So now we're getting into the deep weeds.

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But I don't mind going there because I want to say, I love my children.

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I'd love my children to love me.

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But in order for my children to love me, they have to first let me love them.

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And they won't let you love them if they don't trust you.

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If they don't trust me.

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Yeah.

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So this is where our theology becomes such an important part of our parenting.

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Yeah.

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So I want to interrupt you a little bit.

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So I need my children.

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I want to earn my children's trust.

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Right.

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So when my child confides in me— Yes, yes.

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How do I protect that trust that just happened and not to step on it?

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How do I protect the trust that I begin to earn?

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It introduces for me, Scott, another critical principle, relational principle, but it has to do with parenting.

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One of the ways that I earn my child's trust is when I ask for permission to access their person.

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And so how early do you start that?

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As early as my conversations are with them.

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Okay.

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In other words, it's okay to say to a little child, two, three, four, five years old, sweetheart, could we have a conversation?

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I'd like to talk to you about something.

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And you get their permission.

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You get their permission.

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Yeah.

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Permission gives access to.

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Yeah.

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Yelling at our children because we want them to hear something.

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is not the same as asking for permission so we can say something.

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Yelling at our children so we can say something is not the same as asking for permission so we can say something that will really make a difference.

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Yeah.

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See, because it's like this.

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Children react to being yelled at, no, duh.

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Yeah.

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They do.

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I have experience with that.

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But of course I do.

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I've never been to yell at my kids before.

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No, but listen to what happens.

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The child learns to not hear the louder you yell.

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Mm-hmm.

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See, because they're reacting to the yelling, they're not hearing the words.

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Yeah.

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And so it's like, how do I earn my children's trust?

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Well, that story I told of that theologian.

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But I say this to a lot of parents.

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You know how you earn their trust?

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Sit down and tell them your stories.

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Yeah.

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Let them get to know you.

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Yeah.

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Tell stories of your life and tell stories of the things you like and tell the story when your dad yelled at you and tell the story when your teacher scolded you and tell them stories so that they can earn, you can earn permission to speak into who they are.

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Yeah.

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I would say we have three children.

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Our youngest daughter, we say, probably got the better of me because my older two children, I was still at that stage where my own compulsive dysfunction was robbing my wife and my children of me.

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I just know that.

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And by God's grace, when those things in my late 20s and early 30s began to be known and began to be dealt with, my children literally had a different dad.

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And so I became, as I'm now instructing, I became very intentional to let my children and my grandchildren know me.

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So you've heard me say this many times, but I was very intentional to take my grandsons on a trip or two or three so I could just tell them stories about my life because I wanted them to know me.

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Yeah, I just did that this year.

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I took two of my grandsons on two different trips.

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One, we went fishing in Alaska.

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And I did ask him for permission.

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Can I tell you stories of me starting Questec?

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Good for you.

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And then the other one we took, we lived on a sailboat for a week in Bora Bora.

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And I got to tell him my stories too.

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And oh, my gosh, such an amazing opportunity.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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To develop trust with your grandkid.

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Now, tell them what happened about the hug at the end with your grandson.

246
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Just how big of a hug it was?

247
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Yes.

248
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Oh, yeah.

249
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I mean, yeah, I think it changed our relationship.

250
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You know what?

251
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I believe it did, Scott.

252
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And that's what we want parents to hear.

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This style of parenting changes the relationship.

254
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Yeah.

255
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But it takes time.

256
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Yeah.

257
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It takes intentionality.

258
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Intentionality is the word I was thinking, too.

259
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It takes a willingness to prioritize the child.

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Say this carefully.

261
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Prioritize the child into the life you're living, right?

262
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Instead of living your life and, oh, yeah, and I got these kids.

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Prioritize your children into the life you're living.

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My wife and I, in the last several years, have come across several parents who are taking their vacations to get away from their children.

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Curiously, I look at each other and go, we couldn't wait to go on vacation to be with our children.

266
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And it's like, when did the model change?

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What do you mean you can't wait to go on vacation so you can get away from your children?

268
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What is it in our mindset that wants me to get away from them instead of seeing them so innately connected?

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into who I am and who they are.

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As we talk about this parenting series, the main point we're making today is this.

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What would it take for me as a parent for my children to trust me so I can love them, teach them truth, and guide them?

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We didn't get to the teaching, truth, and guiding part.

273
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Not yet.

274
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But we will.

275
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Yeah.

276
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Thanks for watching Living Influence this week.

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We're going to have this series on parenting probably for a couple more months, two months, I think.

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I would think so, yeah.

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We'd love to have you put comment on our video.

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Or if you're listening to the podcast, give us a comment.

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Give us a like.

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Subscribe to our channel.

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Visit our website, livinginfluence.com.

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Thanks again for listening to Living Influence.

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We appreciate you.

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We'd love it if you'd go to livinginfluence.com, contact us, and send us an email.

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We'd love to know what you're thinking.

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