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How do I become a better parent when I have no time and I'm already so exhausted?

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Welcome to Living Influence.

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I'm your host, Scott Boyd, with my friend, mentor, Bill Thrall.

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We're going to talk about a concept today for parents to make a journey from experiencing shame and its effects to no condemnation.

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And before we start that conversation, we have a long-awaited book, and it's a book that's been written by Bill Thrall and John Lynch, two people that if you know them, you love them.

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And the title is Living Influence, How Knowing Who You Are Changes Everyone Around You.

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I love that title.

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Thank you.

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I think we all love the title because there literally is a transformation that happens when a person is transformed.

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Amen.

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And the transformation that happens is to the people around that person.

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Absolutely.

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It literally spreads.

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Amen.

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We tell our kids, be careful who you hang out with.

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It's not like it's a mystery.

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No.

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But yet it is maybe the most important thing on this topic of parenting because it's all about the parents maturing.

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The Bible says there's therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.

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Right.

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That's what it says.

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I think he means it.

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I think it's true.

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Yet for many of us, our shame is still defining us.

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Yeah.

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As we talked about in our last podcast, our shame is still defining us.

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And because our shame is still defining us, we see no condemnation as kind of a faint hope someday, somewhere, sometime instead of a present reality.

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Thanks for announcing the book, because if they really want to know more about today's podcast, get the book, because John and I spent a lot of time on

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How do I trust God with some things?

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How do I trust God with some things?

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Let me begin a list.

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Can I trust who God says he is?

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Mm-hmm.

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You know, we've been talking about trust and a parent being known.

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Yeah.

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You know what God did?

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He became a man.

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So we could know him.

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Think about that.

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So he could know him.

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So who is this God?

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I say to people, somebody says to me, who's God?

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I'll just say his name is Jesus.

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That's who God is.

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If you want to know anything and everything about God, learn Jesus, because that's who God is.

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I want to be able to, as a Christian parent, I want to know who God is.

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Secondly, I want to know what this God did for me, and that's what I'm going to talk about in a minute.

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Thirdly, I want to know who God says I am.

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As a Christian parent, did you know you have only one of two options to view yourself?

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You either see yourself through the lens of your shame, or you see yourself as God says who you are.

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And if my theology doesn't free me from the lens of shame,

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then I'll never discover who I am.

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Now, I just said 10 mouthfuls just on those few sentences.

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And then I want to learn something as a Christian parent.

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Who is God?

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What did he do for me?

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Who does he say I am?

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And then fourthly, what does my God want to do through me?

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And as a Christian parent, one of the things my God wants to do through me is to nurture, love, and develop my children for their best and His purposes.

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That's what I want to learn.

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So let's rehearse something here, very, very deeply spiritually important.

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In order for me...

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To live without condemnation, I must be convinced that shame does not define me.

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My experience tells me shame defines me.

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Yeah.

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But my God tells me that's not true.

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And when you're living where shame is defining you.

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Yes.

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Versus who God says you are.

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Yes.

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Yes.

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Shame makes you susceptible to needing to be justified, needing to look right, needing to be right.

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It's exhausting.

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Shame is an exhausting master.

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It is.

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And it rob you of joy.

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Yeah, I think something you just said, Scott, I wanted to say earlier, and I forgot to say it.

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I'm glad you triggered it.

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What if the number one cause of my exhaustion was not my schedule or my children?

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What if the number one cause of my exhaustion was my shame and my deep sense of condemnation, which weakens me at the core and gives me no strength or capacity to deal with my present reality?

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What if that were true?

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So let's rehearse this together.

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Last time, I'll say it again, Jesus died for my sin.

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We talked about that.

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We talked about Jesus becoming my shame.

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I want us to theologically come to another grip with something.

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Have I ever been taught to really believe that I died?

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in Christ.

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We sing about it.

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We have scriptures.

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I've been crucified with Christ.

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But most of us have never been taught to trust that.

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Most of us have taught, you need to die more.

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Exactly.

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Every day.

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Exactly.

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You know, be sold out for Jesus.

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Listen, listen, let me just tell you something.

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You died in Christ.

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And until, I know this sounds weird.

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Please, audience, hear me carefully here.

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This sounds weird.

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Do you know, until you are convinced that you died in Christ, your shame will define you?

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Yeah.

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Because when you die, your shame no longer has a voice.

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So do I believe that I actually died, that Jesus actually took me to death?

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Yes, he did.

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Am I alive in Christ?

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Yes, I am.

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I'm alive in Christ.

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Now, it's so interesting.

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So much of our church life is we're singing about being alive in Christ without ever owning the fact we died.

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Yeah.

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Come on.

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It's important that we own that we died because when we died, shame lost its authority over us.

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Sin lost its authority over us.

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Now I'm free.

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But yet something else.

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He not only made me alive, but it's important as a Christian parent that I believe that I've actually been given a new heart.

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Yeah.

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This is an important issue for me, Scott.

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My life behavior patterns cause me to not trust me.

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So I lived very carefully not letting you trust me.

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If I'm going to trust me, I know better than let you trust me.

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Yeah.

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And I never realized that what I was doing when I was making sure that nobody trusted me, I was robbing everyone of my love and.

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Yeah.

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My person.

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How did you make sure no one trusted you?

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Tell me kind of a shout out.

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What I did very, very, very, very wisely is I never let anybody get close enough to know me.

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I was a nice guy.

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I was the life of the party.

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But even my wife, five years into our marriage, had to challenge me at the core of my person with that reality.

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Grace would say to you today, why did you meet with Bill and why did you challenge the fact that he didn't trust you?

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Because she would say, I knew I was losing him to something, and she was right.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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My decision to not be trusted gave my shame permission to bury me.

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Right.

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So you didn't let anybody trust you.

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You stayed hidden.

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You stayed drawn.

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You stayed protected.

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Exactly.

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So you didn't trust yourself, so you stayed protected.

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Quote.

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Quote.

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From being known.

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From being known.

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Right.

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Which, yeah, which isolates you.

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Which robbed me from being loved.

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Which robbed me from any source of ever dealing with my shame.

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Yeah.

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That's what I've tried to get across here.

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So I have a new heart.

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So this character, who never trusted himself because he was capable of doing, I began to come to grips with this reality that I have a new heart.

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I've had several, as you know, Scott, I've had several life-changing moments with God that have been profoundly affecting me and lots of people I've influenced.

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But when I came to grips with this reality that I had a new heart that I could trust, it freed me, Scott, to let you trust me.

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Could I say that to you as a parent?

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Could you trust God with a new heart?

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so you could be free to let your children love you, so you could be free to love them.

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Now, how do I move from shame to no condemnation?

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I trust that he died for my sin.

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I trust that I actually died with them.

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I trust them.

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I have a new heart.

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Wait a minute.

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These are all huge theological.

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But has anybody ever taught you to trust them?

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And then something else he did.

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He put the Holy Spirit of God in me.

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What?

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What does that have to do with shame and condemnation?

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Everything.

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You know, I've learned something, Scott.

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I have in me as a Christian flesh, and in my flesh, I have this power called sin that is greater and more powerful than I am.

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And I've learned experientially that I have absolutely no power over the sin that is in me.

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I don't care how many times you put yourself to death.

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I don't care how many times you flog yourself.

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I don't care how many tricks you go through.

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The truth is you have no power over sin.

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Yeah.

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But there's something true about what Jesus did.

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He put within me a person, Holy Spirit.

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So I want to say this carefully.

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As a Christian, I have in me a power called the Holy Spirit that is greater than the power that is in my flesh.

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Yeah.

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You know, if I could, as a Christian, just grasp what Bill Thrall just said.

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Wait a minute, Bill.

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What I'm trying to say to us is there is a way to move into a life without condemnation, no matter how hard you work on your sin.

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No matter how hard you try to tame your flesh, you ain't got a chance.

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But there is someone in you who is greater than the power of sin.

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It's called the Holy Spirit of God.

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How do I learn to trust the Holy Spirit to deal with my flesh?

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Is it even possible?

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I want to promise you something.

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It's not only possible.

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It's one of the reasons he's alive in me.

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But it does something else.

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The ultimate result of learning this is that I will now no longer be defined by my shame, and I will live without condemnation.

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I live with a very short, I call it a very short wick when I've been hurt.

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I have played out the victim because I was severely hurt.

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And so I let that play out itself in all kinds of forms for many years of my life.

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Now when I'm hurt, I very quickly go to forgiveness.

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I very quickly I still have to deal with the person who hurt me but boy I don't let what they did define me I don't let it trigger my shame I've learned to forgive it so that I don't have to live in the condemnation of what I do to me when you shame me yeah oh I just said so much I can hear people out there going what did he say what did he say what did he just say well let me repeat what I just said could you learn could I learn

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to not live my life in the hope I will never be hurt again.

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Because if I live that life, what I'll do is I'll live never trusting anyone.

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Well, I've learned something.

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I would rather live trusting this man

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than to live being afraid I might get hurt.

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That's the way I'd rather live.

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So what I'm saying, Scott, is I can actually live in the realm without condemnation when I can believe who God says I am, that I have a new heart,

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that the Holy Spirit of God is actually alive in me.

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These are no longer just biblical truisms that are out there in space.

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They can become my reality.

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They can become your reality.

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So therefore, it's critical that I have a theology of grace.

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Can I live the Christian life not defined by how little I sinned?

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Could I live my Christian life defined by my God?

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And could I live my Christian life for your benefit, not mine?

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That's love.

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And that's living without condemnation.

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That's what we're talking about.

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Guys, thanks for watching today.

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This was some classic Bill Throlf.

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This message of shame to no condemnation is a message that takes us from exhaustion to freedom.

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It takes us from no hope to full of hope and full of energy.

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Amen.

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And it's actually what your kids need to see.

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More than anything else.

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If you'd like to know more, be on the watch for this book as it's coming out in December.

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We're going to have some pre-sale stuff that'll be showing up in the future soon.

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We hope to see you next week.

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Thanks for listening to Living Influence.

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We appreciate you.

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Just a call to action.

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We would love it if you would share our podcast with one or two people this week.

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Thanks again.