WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.291 --> 00:00:02.212 Amanda, welcome to Cat on the Loose. 2 00:00:02.232 --> 00:00:03.212 Thank you for having me. 3 00:00:03.272 --> 00:00:08.134 I am so honored that you made time from your busy schedule visiting LA to do the show. 4 00:00:08.194 --> 00:00:09.895 I was so excited when you said yes. 5 00:00:10.015 --> 00:00:13.617 I was like, everything was put around making it to this show. 6 00:00:13.637 --> 00:00:19.559 Well, you know, every now and again, we do a spicy hot episode about sex, which I personally think is such an important topic. 7 00:00:19.939 --> 00:00:22.981 So I'm really excited to talk to you because I think your work is fantastic. 8 00:00:23.001 --> 00:00:24.561 So let's do this fast and furious. 9 00:00:24.581 --> 00:00:25.522 Yes, let's go for it. 10 00:00:25.562 --> 00:00:28.663 By the way, guys, yes, this is going to be X-rated in the show. 11 00:00:28.963 --> 00:00:35.246 If you are not comfortable talking about sex, I highly recommend you stay and become comfortable. 12 00:00:35.266 --> 00:00:37.047 Normalize the conversation. 13 00:00:37.087 --> 00:00:37.707 Right, Amanda? 14 00:00:37.767 --> 00:00:38.327 Absolutely. 15 00:00:38.347 --> 00:00:42.269 So that would be my first question to you because this is something that drives me crazy out of my mind. 16 00:00:42.329 --> 00:00:43.049 And you're American. 17 00:00:43.129 --> 00:00:43.830 I'm not, right? 18 00:00:43.870 --> 00:00:47.111 I come from a Latin culture in Brazil and in France. 19 00:00:47.131 --> 00:00:48.552 My dad was from France. 20 00:00:49.092 --> 00:00:56.178 it's very normal to talk about sex and desires and sexuality and your sex life. 21 00:00:56.338 --> 00:01:05.766 So in my mind, I feel, and I've been here since I was a teenager, but I think it's more like a major taboo in the American culture. 22 00:01:05.886 --> 00:01:07.287 Do you feel that way as well? 23 00:01:07.427 --> 00:01:07.888 Absolutely. 24 00:01:07.908 --> 00:01:09.769 It's very puritanical, very much. 25 00:01:09.809 --> 00:01:11.090 You have to stay in the box. 26 00:01:11.130 --> 00:01:12.411 No one talks about sex. 27 00:01:12.712 --> 00:01:14.473 No one jokes about sex. 28 00:01:14.633 --> 00:01:15.714 It's very serious. 29 00:01:15.834 --> 00:01:18.016 And people do not treat it with the... 30 00:01:18.316 --> 00:01:19.557 warmth that they should. 31 00:01:19.897 --> 00:01:21.257 I know, right? 32 00:01:21.497 --> 00:01:22.458 So that's what I was saying. 33 00:01:22.658 --> 00:01:29.101 I think it's a really important part of a healthy life, whether you're in a relationship or not. 34 00:01:29.261 --> 00:01:37.204 And social media, society, everybody treats it like you're immediately labeled like you're talking about something dirty, right? 35 00:01:37.224 --> 00:01:43.967 Like even on Instagram, there are certain things that you can't post because if you post them on Instagram, especially like doing what you do, 36 00:01:44.867 --> 00:01:45.928 Your account gets banned. 37 00:01:46.228 --> 00:01:46.508 I know. 38 00:01:46.628 --> 00:01:48.530 And I have to be careful of that all the time. 39 00:01:48.550 --> 00:01:50.191 You'd think I was doing something illegal. 40 00:01:50.271 --> 00:01:50.631 Right. 41 00:01:50.651 --> 00:01:57.076 Talking about couples having good sex where they enjoy each other and get the most out of their sex life. 42 00:01:57.116 --> 00:01:58.557 That's all I want for people. 43 00:01:58.637 --> 00:01:58.898 I know. 44 00:01:58.978 --> 00:02:00.859 And again, yeah, that's what I'm saying. 45 00:02:00.879 --> 00:02:02.220 It's so healthy. 46 00:02:02.440 --> 00:02:04.822 I know for a fact after doing everything. 47 00:02:05.102 --> 00:02:08.583 hundreds of interviews on Canada loose for almost six years now. 48 00:02:09.163 --> 00:02:11.123 I've spoken with so many experts. 49 00:02:11.263 --> 00:02:15.804 Obviously, we get messages from dozens and dozens of men, women, couples out there. 50 00:02:16.204 --> 00:02:17.645 It's a massive issue. 51 00:02:17.765 --> 00:02:19.025 It causes divorce. 52 00:02:19.145 --> 00:02:22.405 It causes people from cheat if they're not fulfilled sexually. 53 00:02:22.425 --> 00:02:22.846 Absolutely. 54 00:02:23.066 --> 00:02:23.306 Right. 55 00:02:23.346 --> 00:02:24.566 It's a huge deal. 56 00:02:25.106 --> 00:02:27.506 And I'm still always shocked. 57 00:02:27.727 --> 00:02:29.567 Why is it so hard for people to talk about it? 58 00:02:30.207 --> 00:02:32.328 I think it's really hard for people to be vulnerable. 59 00:02:32.428 --> 00:02:32.988 A couple of things. 60 00:02:33.008 --> 00:02:34.949 This is something that gets me all the time. 61 00:02:35.729 --> 00:02:39.150 People seem to think that you're just supposed to be good at sex, right? 62 00:02:39.350 --> 00:02:43.571 So then if you're not just good at sex, it's a moral failing on your part. 63 00:02:43.751 --> 00:02:46.092 Somehow you are less of a woman, less of a man. 64 00:02:46.112 --> 00:02:47.312 You don't know how to give a blowjob. 65 00:02:47.332 --> 00:02:48.813 You don't know how to eat a woman out. 66 00:02:49.393 --> 00:03:00.498 And I actually think that's one of the start, like starting places of why it's so taboo, because not only are you supposed to not talk about sex, but you're supposed to be out of the gate really good at it. 67 00:03:00.598 --> 00:03:03.039 And if you're not, I think that brings on a lot of shame. 68 00:03:03.379 --> 00:03:04.280 OK, yeah. 69 00:03:04.300 --> 00:03:05.740 So first, you're starting with shame there. 70 00:03:06.080 --> 00:03:09.482 Second, it's really hard to be vulnerable and admit what we want. 71 00:03:09.762 --> 00:03:10.983 And the judgment, right? 72 00:03:11.023 --> 00:03:13.785 So let's do, I want to do this from two different perspectives. 73 00:03:13.805 --> 00:03:17.167 I was thinking in my mind, the women's perspective and the men. 74 00:03:17.227 --> 00:03:24.431 So women, most women, if I know, you must get a lot more backlash than me, but I know from doing the show, right? 75 00:03:24.812 --> 00:03:30.896 We talk about sex and we post a sexy picture and immediately you're labeled like she's a whore. 76 00:03:31.196 --> 00:03:32.817 She's promiscuous. 77 00:03:33.217 --> 00:03:34.598 She's this, she's that, she's that. 78 00:03:34.818 --> 00:03:37.219 And I couldn't possibly be a good wife, a good woman. 79 00:03:37.259 --> 00:03:37.819 I'm not married. 80 00:03:37.879 --> 00:03:38.720 But do you know what I mean? 81 00:03:38.740 --> 00:03:42.801 There's no way I'm desirable because I talk openly about sex. 82 00:03:43.081 --> 00:03:44.762 I'm not even having sex on camera. 83 00:03:44.782 --> 00:03:46.683 I'm just talking about it. 84 00:03:46.743 --> 00:03:47.243 Exactly. 85 00:03:47.303 --> 00:03:49.184 I never had sex on camera anywhere. 86 00:03:49.824 --> 00:03:51.465 I've never done OnlyFans. 87 00:03:51.705 --> 00:03:59.028 The most I think I've put on OnlyFans many years ago was some sexy pictures and I didn't even have the patience to keep going. 88 00:03:59.048 --> 00:03:59.288 Yes. 89 00:04:00.149 --> 00:04:01.830 But I think that's okay. 90 00:04:02.030 --> 00:04:03.552 I think that's so empowering. 91 00:04:03.832 --> 00:04:04.512 It really is. 92 00:04:04.793 --> 00:04:12.119 And I don't mean to say anything bad about OnlyFans, but you would think that the way people treat me or comment just because I'm talking about sex. 93 00:04:12.380 --> 00:04:12.660 Right. 94 00:04:12.680 --> 00:04:15.102 That I am, yes, some sort of whore. 95 00:04:15.582 --> 00:04:17.824 And there is nothing wrong with that either. 96 00:04:18.085 --> 00:04:20.727 But they just cast it in such a negative light. 97 00:04:20.747 --> 00:04:23.990 Like the idea of enjoying your sex life is evil or something. 98 00:04:24.090 --> 00:04:24.611 Exactly. 99 00:04:24.711 --> 00:04:28.774 And talk, but even not even like you said, not even enjoying because we're not doing sex on camera. 100 00:04:28.794 --> 00:04:37.141 We are encouraging people to have better sex, pleasure, talk about what they want, communicate with their partners. 101 00:04:37.582 --> 00:04:37.882 Right. 102 00:04:38.062 --> 00:04:39.543 And still we get labeled. 103 00:04:39.663 --> 00:04:43.086 Do you get a lot of backlash from men and women as well? 104 00:04:43.106 --> 00:04:43.187 Men. 105 00:04:43.527 --> 00:04:43.947 Only men. 106 00:04:43.967 --> 00:04:44.648 Men, really? 107 00:04:44.668 --> 00:04:46.549 Women do not give me backlash. 108 00:04:46.589 --> 00:04:47.090 Really? 109 00:04:47.150 --> 00:04:47.770 You're lucky. 110 00:04:48.591 --> 00:04:52.275 I am really lucky, but I also think it's because I talk about kink a lot. 111 00:04:52.415 --> 00:04:52.895 Yeah. 112 00:04:52.915 --> 00:04:53.736 We're going to get there. 113 00:04:53.756 --> 00:04:54.977 We're going to get there. 114 00:04:54.997 --> 00:04:57.660 They do have fantasies and they're so curious. 115 00:04:57.740 --> 00:04:57.920 Yeah. 116 00:04:57.960 --> 00:05:05.587 Whereas men, oftentimes backlash comes from them feeling not able to be kinky or not able to be what their partner wants. 117 00:05:05.607 --> 00:05:06.067 Oh, interesting. 118 00:05:06.107 --> 00:05:10.591 So instead of just accepting that and learning from their partner, the problem is everybody else. 119 00:05:11.132 --> 00:05:12.233 And then I get backlash. 120 00:05:12.573 --> 00:05:15.736 Yeah, because I get a lot and it always breaks my heart. 121 00:05:16.396 --> 00:05:19.319 And I tweet a lot and I write a lot about that on threads. 122 00:05:19.339 --> 00:05:22.061 I think women should be a lot more supportive of other women. 123 00:05:22.481 --> 00:05:27.525 So when I get a message from a woman, right, saying something like, oh, you know, it's too sexy. 124 00:05:27.625 --> 00:05:28.426 Cover up. 125 00:05:28.826 --> 00:05:32.509 I remember a while back on the show and I talked about that many times. 126 00:05:32.910 --> 00:05:41.777 I had this relationship matchmaker expert and she said to me, oh, I think the reason why you're not in a relationship is because you wear too much cleavage. 127 00:05:42.181 --> 00:05:42.421 What? 128 00:05:42.661 --> 00:05:52.089 Because 90% of the time, today's funny because I have a t-shirt, but 90% of the time I have like, you know, like just tank tops and stuff because I feel hot all the time. 129 00:05:52.109 --> 00:05:55.511 I just don't like a lot of fabric on my body. 130 00:05:55.712 --> 00:05:55.892 Yeah. 131 00:05:56.132 --> 00:05:57.233 And she said that to me. 132 00:05:57.353 --> 00:05:59.334 And after she said that, I thought about that. 133 00:05:59.354 --> 00:06:02.037 I thought, what horrible advice. 134 00:06:02.697 --> 00:06:05.398 To tell a woman to cover up. 135 00:06:05.418 --> 00:06:07.999 To hide her beautiful body. 136 00:06:08.259 --> 00:06:09.900 I hate that she said that to you. 137 00:06:09.940 --> 00:06:10.981 That's terrible advice. 138 00:06:11.081 --> 00:06:11.521 I agree. 139 00:06:12.101 --> 00:06:27.868 But from men, now the men's perspective, before we jump into the hot and heavy, I think a lot of guys want certain things with their partners, but they are so ashamed because a lot of women judge them. 140 00:06:27.908 --> 00:06:28.588 They're like, what? 141 00:06:29.348 --> 00:06:30.688 You want a threesome? 142 00:06:30.708 --> 00:06:32.669 You're going to cheat on me? 143 00:06:32.989 --> 00:06:34.169 Yeah, that happens too. 144 00:06:34.309 --> 00:06:34.829 Right? 145 00:06:34.869 --> 00:06:36.149 Yeah, it happens often. 146 00:06:36.269 --> 00:06:38.070 And it happens in a couple of different ways. 147 00:06:39.030 --> 00:06:43.931 It's when the woman is insecure about it, then it turns into judgment. 148 00:06:44.051 --> 00:06:44.351 Right? 149 00:06:44.591 --> 00:06:49.972 So oftentimes if a woman isn't insecure about it, it's more like, okay, that's interesting, but it's not my thing. 150 00:06:50.432 --> 00:06:55.073 But if she feels insecure, like she might lose him because he wants to have sex with someone else or... 151 00:06:55.613 --> 00:06:57.414 have her have sex with someone else. 152 00:06:57.554 --> 00:07:07.419 If she feels undervalued in the relationship, I often see one of the first places they go is like, something's wrong with you, you know, as opposed to exploring, why am I so against this? 153 00:07:07.739 --> 00:07:08.199 Right. 154 00:07:08.560 --> 00:07:09.300 So how... 155 00:07:10.092 --> 00:07:14.294 Do we open up the conversation for either side? 156 00:07:14.314 --> 00:07:16.995 Because like you said, a lot of women want to try kinky things. 157 00:07:17.435 --> 00:07:18.935 A lot of guys have fantasies. 158 00:07:18.975 --> 00:07:20.836 They have kinky fantasies too, right? 159 00:07:20.856 --> 00:07:21.056 Yeah. 160 00:07:21.276 --> 00:07:38.723 How do you... Because I heard, even from men I've dated, and I get messages from men, you probably do too, they're like, oh, I was in a miserable marriage for 20 years, and one of the main reasons, like once my kids left the house, la la la, I just, you know, I want to get out of it because the sex was so horrible, and it faded away. 161 00:07:39.123 --> 00:07:41.404 And now I feel so I want to do whatever I want. 162 00:07:41.624 --> 00:07:43.004 Yeah, I get that all the time. 163 00:07:43.064 --> 00:07:47.826 I hear of so many sexless marriages where they so badly wanted connection. 164 00:07:47.906 --> 00:07:49.826 And we're not just talking about sex. 165 00:07:50.226 --> 00:07:53.047 It's intimacy in general and that feeling of closeness. 166 00:07:53.587 --> 00:07:56.888 And a lot of men and women find closeness in intimacy. 167 00:07:56.908 --> 00:07:57.168 Yeah. 168 00:07:57.408 --> 00:08:00.009 And without that, a relationship can really fall apart. 169 00:08:00.409 --> 00:08:01.310 I completely agree. 170 00:08:01.330 --> 00:08:02.850 So how do you have any suggestions? 171 00:08:02.930 --> 00:08:04.731 How do you open the channels? 172 00:08:05.412 --> 00:08:08.674 Yeah, if you're embarrassed, or if you're afraid your partner is going to judge you? 173 00:08:08.774 --> 00:08:09.474 How do you do that? 174 00:08:09.654 --> 00:08:14.557 So one of the things that I recommend doing is you set time to have a conversation about it, right? 175 00:08:14.617 --> 00:08:17.738 You don't want to mention it as you're going out the door on your way to work. 176 00:08:17.858 --> 00:08:20.460 You don't want to mention it as you're about to have sex. 177 00:08:20.920 --> 00:08:21.180 either. 178 00:08:21.200 --> 00:08:21.961 Do you know what I mean? 179 00:08:21.981 --> 00:08:25.644 You're not like in bed and being like, we need to make this better. 180 00:08:25.904 --> 00:08:27.766 No, you set time apart. 181 00:08:28.507 --> 00:08:33.731 And you warn your partner, hey, I want to have a conversation about something that's important to me. 182 00:08:34.312 --> 00:08:43.580 And the reason that part is important is because it is so easy for us to move so quickly in life that we are, we have hundreds of conversations with our partners every week. 183 00:08:43.640 --> 00:08:45.021 It's very easy to forget one. 184 00:08:45.401 --> 00:08:57.740 But if you call it out from the beginning, this is important to me, your partner has the opportunity to meet you where you're at or at least understand this is a real conversation, not just some passing thing that they feel like saying. 185 00:08:58.255 --> 00:08:59.076 Yeah, that's good. 186 00:08:59.116 --> 00:09:05.640 But and I also think if you bring something up, like whatever, let's say you bring up, let's talk about a kink, for example. 187 00:09:05.660 --> 00:09:05.820 Yeah. 188 00:09:06.220 --> 00:09:10.223 Like the guy says, you know, I think it would be amazing if you spank me. 189 00:09:10.283 --> 00:09:14.046 The guy's probably going to look at her like, I don't know, that's too much for me. 190 00:09:14.086 --> 00:09:14.846 I've never done it. 191 00:09:14.866 --> 00:09:16.087 I'm afraid of doing that. 192 00:09:16.227 --> 00:09:16.487 Right. 193 00:09:16.507 --> 00:09:16.747 Yes. 194 00:09:17.468 --> 00:09:21.971 Then maybe she's going to be like, well, I shouldn't have said it or I'm never going to suggest it again. 195 00:09:22.431 --> 00:09:23.972 So how do you go about that? 196 00:09:24.152 --> 00:09:25.013 That's why I like. 197 00:09:25.513 --> 00:09:45.725 setting up the time and saying it's important because it also stops that type of moment of like so what would be a good time to bring up something so intimate without you know and hoping the other party doesn't judge you i always jokingly say tuesday at 9 p.m because i feel like nothing's going on a tuesday at 9 p.m but you ask your partner say we were in a relationship and i said 198 00:09:46.706 --> 00:09:50.610 Kat, I want to talk to something about something that's important to me. 199 00:09:50.930 --> 00:09:52.832 When is a good time for you to sit down and chat? 200 00:09:53.072 --> 00:09:54.413 So you get to decide the time. 201 00:09:54.613 --> 00:09:57.636 It's when you're free and have the headspace because I don't know what you have going on. 202 00:09:57.656 --> 00:09:59.938 Maybe you're thinking about the laundry or something else. 203 00:09:59.958 --> 00:10:00.258 Right, right. 204 00:10:00.499 --> 00:10:04.302 We sit down and I always suggest you start with curiosity. 205 00:10:04.442 --> 00:10:08.446 First, I'd ask you, do you have any fantasies or desires you've ever wanted to explore? 206 00:10:08.966 --> 00:10:11.709 Nine times out of ten, if I'm the one having this conversation – 207 00:10:12.049 --> 00:10:13.170 It's unlikely you have it. 208 00:10:13.250 --> 00:10:19.013 If I found it so important to make time, it's unusual for us to both have fantasies. 209 00:10:19.093 --> 00:10:25.477 But if you were to say yes, I would listen and ask you all the questions I'd want you asking me in the same scenario. 210 00:10:25.737 --> 00:10:26.538 Say you say no. 211 00:10:26.638 --> 00:10:28.959 I'd say, okay, I have a fantasy. 212 00:10:29.219 --> 00:10:31.301 Are you open to me sharing it with you? 213 00:10:32.221 --> 00:10:32.941 for two reasons. 214 00:10:33.001 --> 00:10:34.161 First of all, you're getting consent. 215 00:10:34.261 --> 00:10:40.343 Second of all, when your partner says yes, they're already, this is a sales thing, they're already in a happier place. 216 00:10:40.483 --> 00:10:42.143 So if they say yes, you can share it. 217 00:10:42.163 --> 00:10:43.103 You have said yourself up. 218 00:10:43.124 --> 00:10:45.024 I like that, are you open to it? 219 00:10:45.204 --> 00:10:47.064 But if they say, what are you talking about? 220 00:10:47.344 --> 00:10:49.785 Are you saying that our sex life is not good enough? 221 00:10:49.805 --> 00:10:50.685 Yeah, you know. 222 00:10:51.045 --> 00:10:53.266 No, I would point out that it absolutely could. 223 00:10:53.286 --> 00:10:56.006 Then go to a terror, call Amanda. 224 00:10:57.247 --> 00:10:58.247 I would start by saying, 225 00:10:58.787 --> 00:11:02.831 No, but I feel a need for a deeper connection with you. 226 00:11:03.291 --> 00:11:05.553 You're always putting a positive light on it. 227 00:11:05.694 --> 00:11:06.715 It's never negativity. 228 00:11:06.735 --> 00:11:10.758 You're never walking into the conversation saying something like, our sex life sucks. 229 00:11:10.978 --> 00:11:13.721 I feel like we haven't had good intimacy in years. 230 00:11:14.322 --> 00:11:16.864 Not a good starting point because you're putting someone on the defense. 231 00:11:16.944 --> 00:11:17.244 Yeah. 232 00:11:17.344 --> 00:11:17.565 You're... 233 00:11:18.265 --> 00:11:20.026 All of this is a sales conversation. 234 00:11:20.126 --> 00:11:21.927 You're not trying to sell them and coerce them. 235 00:11:21.947 --> 00:11:25.828 You're literally just trying to make it comfortable for them to hear you out. 236 00:11:26.009 --> 00:11:26.289 Yeah. 237 00:11:26.329 --> 00:11:26.569 Right. 238 00:11:26.689 --> 00:11:29.550 So I would just say, no, absolutely not. 239 00:11:29.650 --> 00:11:33.092 The reason I'm bringing this up to you is because I love you so much. 240 00:11:33.192 --> 00:11:36.893 I love our intimacy and I just want deeper connection. 241 00:11:37.113 --> 00:11:37.354 Right. 242 00:11:37.374 --> 00:11:42.456 So you're always pushing for a deeper connection, more connection, more intimacy, togetherness. 243 00:11:43.216 --> 00:11:44.536 and trusting your partner. 244 00:11:44.596 --> 00:11:54.079 And it's, I would say it's always better because I, most, not most, but a lot of people that cheat, for example, you know, remember that site, Ashley Madison? 245 00:11:54.099 --> 00:11:54.399 Yes. 246 00:11:54.439 --> 00:11:54.639 Yeah. 247 00:11:54.979 --> 00:11:58.920 I, I interviewed them like a few years ago and I was shocked when they told me the numbers. 248 00:11:58.960 --> 00:12:06.762 There's like millions, millions, I forgot the, millions of people that use, and most people that go there, it's because they don't have, they don't have 249 00:12:07.162 --> 00:12:11.864 They like, oh, I'm dating Amanda, but you know, our our sex life is like, you know, vanilla. 250 00:12:12.145 --> 00:12:13.865 And I'm too embarrassed to ask for whatever. 251 00:12:13.885 --> 00:12:16.066 So they go and they still love their partner. 252 00:12:16.487 --> 00:12:23.130 But I think it would be so much better before you get to that point, doing something behind someone's back and cheating and all that crap. 253 00:12:23.250 --> 00:12:27.532 It would be so much better if you can start this channel of communication with the person you love. 254 00:12:27.752 --> 00:12:28.672 Yes, just bring it up. 255 00:12:28.712 --> 00:12:29.473 And that's the thing. 256 00:12:29.493 --> 00:12:30.473 They don't want to cheat. 257 00:12:30.653 --> 00:12:35.615 Oftentimes, I'm not speaking for all cheaters, but oftentimes they want this with their partner. 258 00:12:35.876 --> 00:12:41.058 They want to be seen and loved and fully appreciated by the partner they're in a relationship with. 259 00:12:41.318 --> 00:12:45.840 But shame pushes them to cheat often because they're embarrassed to bring up what they want. 260 00:12:46.340 --> 00:12:51.142 or they've already had the conversation in their head and they just think it's going to go a specific way. 261 00:12:51.222 --> 00:12:53.943 But it often doesn't go how you expect it to. 262 00:12:53.983 --> 00:12:56.784 People think, oh, if I bring this up, it's going to end my marriage. 263 00:12:56.944 --> 00:12:57.744 And it doesn't. 264 00:12:58.224 --> 00:12:58.485 Right. 265 00:12:58.905 --> 00:12:59.285 Really? 266 00:12:59.305 --> 00:13:00.965 They think like if you bring us. 267 00:13:01.145 --> 00:13:02.746 They think that all the time. 268 00:13:02.806 --> 00:13:03.146 I know. 269 00:13:03.406 --> 00:13:07.628 I would say if you want to do something, whatever it is, and... 270 00:13:08.728 --> 00:13:13.529 It gets to the point that your partner is so shocked that it would potentially end your marriage. 271 00:13:13.689 --> 00:13:14.969 You're with the wrong person. 272 00:13:15.369 --> 00:13:16.029 I agree with that. 273 00:13:16.229 --> 00:13:16.830 Right? 274 00:13:17.210 --> 00:13:18.410 And I'm speaking for myself. 275 00:13:18.470 --> 00:13:21.550 I was married for 15 years, and my marriage was miserable. 276 00:13:22.371 --> 00:13:23.891 He became an alcoholic. 277 00:13:24.471 --> 00:13:25.791 He was very conservative. 278 00:13:25.851 --> 00:13:26.871 He was very controlling. 279 00:13:26.911 --> 00:13:29.112 So we had almost no sex life. 280 00:13:29.612 --> 00:13:32.432 And God forbid I would suggest anything. 281 00:13:32.572 --> 00:13:32.973 Wow. 282 00:13:33.313 --> 00:13:33.833 Anything. 283 00:13:33.953 --> 00:13:35.373 So I know from experience... 284 00:13:35.893 --> 00:13:42.081 That's a major red flag in a relationship if you cannot speak freely about what's important to you. 285 00:13:42.221 --> 00:13:43.743 Yes, it is a huge red flag. 286 00:13:43.843 --> 00:13:47.408 But also sometimes there is a discomfort and there's religious shaming. 287 00:13:47.428 --> 00:13:48.549 There's cultural shaming. 288 00:13:48.569 --> 00:13:51.292 There's society making them feel bad about wanting things. 289 00:13:51.633 --> 00:13:53.375 So sometimes you have to dig a little deeper. 290 00:13:53.415 --> 00:13:54.717 But what I will say is... 291 00:13:55.317 --> 00:14:00.060 If your partner lacks a curiosity about your interests, that's the red flag for me. 292 00:14:00.160 --> 00:14:00.360 Right. 293 00:14:00.380 --> 00:14:00.820 I agree. 294 00:14:00.840 --> 00:14:07.784 If you mention something and they don't ask questions, if they're not curious about what interests you, I think that's a red flag. 295 00:14:07.884 --> 00:14:13.868 And it goes beyond sex, but it definitely touches on sex if you bring up something you want to try and you're immediately shut down. 296 00:14:14.408 --> 00:14:15.730 How can a relationship continue? 297 00:14:15.830 --> 00:14:16.491 Exactly. 298 00:14:16.591 --> 00:14:24.842 So let's dive into the kinks because, yeah, you are a sex and relationship coach, but you are a kink expert. 299 00:14:24.962 --> 00:14:25.984 Yes, I am. 300 00:14:26.164 --> 00:14:27.285 I really am. 301 00:14:27.325 --> 00:14:28.687 Like, how do you end up? 302 00:14:28.947 --> 00:14:29.949 That's a great question. 303 00:14:30.349 --> 00:14:32.031 I always say I was born kinky. 304 00:14:32.532 --> 00:14:37.296 From the age of five, I knew I was obsessed with spanking. 305 00:14:37.356 --> 00:14:41.639 Not me being spanked as a kid, but I was a really good child, so I never got in trouble. 306 00:14:41.719 --> 00:14:46.242 But if one of my friends were threatened with a spanking, I was like, what are you getting spanked for? 307 00:14:46.422 --> 00:14:49.425 You know, I was really interested in the subject. 308 00:14:50.345 --> 00:14:50.906 Luckily... 309 00:14:51.586 --> 00:14:56.510 Over time, I realized my interest had something to do with my sex life. 310 00:14:56.590 --> 00:14:56.751 Right. 311 00:14:56.791 --> 00:14:58.152 So obviously I wasn't acting on it. 312 00:14:58.572 --> 00:15:04.777 But, you know, sometimes I'd be a kid and I'd be like, we're playing house and you're getting spanked, you know, because I was just so into this fantasy. 313 00:15:05.518 --> 00:15:09.641 When I got older, I realized, oh, the thing I have that's sexual connection. 314 00:15:10.078 --> 00:15:15.042 It has something to do with kink and fetish, and I'm interested in this. 315 00:15:15.923 --> 00:15:22.148 And I'm going to skip ahead through this story, but I eventually moved to New York City, and I became a dominatrix. 316 00:15:22.468 --> 00:15:23.209 Oh, wow. 317 00:15:23.309 --> 00:15:24.850 Because this was an interest of mine. 318 00:15:24.990 --> 00:15:25.531 Okay. 319 00:15:25.551 --> 00:15:26.271 I had a job. 320 00:15:26.291 --> 00:15:29.854 I had a really good job at the Wall Street Journal, and I was working. 321 00:15:30.155 --> 00:15:30.355 Wow. 322 00:15:31.675 --> 00:15:33.615 That is, well, have you written a book? 323 00:15:33.776 --> 00:15:34.936 No, I haven't. 324 00:15:35.336 --> 00:15:37.256 Wall Street Journal to Dominatrix. 325 00:15:37.276 --> 00:15:37.376 Yes. 326 00:15:37.396 --> 00:15:39.036 Well, I was doing both at the same time. 327 00:15:39.096 --> 00:15:41.417 I'm not even going to guess which one is more fun. 328 00:15:44.117 --> 00:15:47.918 But like that was, I always joke that was kinky college for me. 329 00:15:48.538 --> 00:15:56.059 I thought I knew kink and then I became a pro dom and just the stuff that was thrown at me, the things I learned. 330 00:15:56.139 --> 00:15:57.640 So, okay, how do you do that? 331 00:15:57.660 --> 00:15:58.460 Like online? 332 00:15:58.820 --> 00:16:00.140 No, I worked at a dungeon. 333 00:16:00.520 --> 00:16:03.023 Oh, so there is a physical place that people go? 334 00:16:03.043 --> 00:16:05.786 Oh, multiple physical places people go. 335 00:16:06.207 --> 00:16:08.149 Like, I would guess even... 336 00:16:09.170 --> 00:16:13.655 Sorry, I have 10 million... We have to do an entire episode about that. 337 00:16:14.256 --> 00:16:15.737 But were you afraid? 338 00:16:15.777 --> 00:16:17.900 Like, because you go to this physical place, I mean... 339 00:16:18.600 --> 00:16:47.055 security was good they took a good cut of the money I made but it was so worth it to feel safe so was I afraid on day one yes because I was 24 I was like I don't know anything and I was a little nervous but you get there and you just realize I can handle this and there are other people you're working with they kind of teach you some things and I just learned so much so men pay and go there literally for you to spank them 340 00:16:47.673 --> 00:17:17.120 spank yes role play sometimes they want sometimes they want to be the dominant one sometimes they want to be the submissive one but yeah they're going there for connection okay and I would guess a lot of these men are probably in relationships and are embarrassed to do that with their partners everything you said earlier I heard in sessions a man would tell me I really wish I could say this to my wife but I just don't think I can and that's why I'm here they would say really sad things like 341 00:17:18.540 --> 00:17:23.601 They were usually in their 50s or 60s, and they'd point out to me they got the job, the wife. 342 00:17:23.701 --> 00:17:26.322 They did everything they were supposed to do, right? 343 00:17:26.342 --> 00:17:29.922 Like what society told them, and they never thought, what do I actually want? 344 00:17:30.542 --> 00:17:32.743 Do I want the trophy wife or do I want that wife? 345 00:17:33.183 --> 00:17:36.644 And they can be the same person, the trophy wife, who's also kinky in the bedroom. 346 00:17:36.824 --> 00:17:37.284 Yeah. 347 00:17:37.324 --> 00:17:41.044 But they were very sad, and I just – it was almost a warning sign. 348 00:17:41.084 --> 00:17:43.705 Amanda, if you don't accept this about yourself and – 349 00:17:44.685 --> 00:17:52.697 love yourself unashamedly and accept it and talk about it openly, you could end up like this 50 and full of regret about what you don't have in your life. 350 00:17:52.717 --> 00:17:52.917 Yes. 351 00:17:53.438 --> 00:17:55.380 So did you feel from there? 352 00:17:55.561 --> 00:17:56.261 Did you feel? 353 00:17:56.803 --> 00:18:00.246 you needed to help this man, your clients? 354 00:18:00.406 --> 00:18:01.127 Yes. 355 00:18:01.147 --> 00:18:03.469 I don't think I was the best dominatrix of 24. 356 00:18:03.529 --> 00:18:06.351 I would be a way better pro dom now in my late 30s. 357 00:18:06.391 --> 00:18:09.734 Like I know what's up and I think I have more commanding presence. 358 00:18:09.934 --> 00:18:13.477 But it was always like a coaching session with them. 359 00:18:13.577 --> 00:18:14.318 I would talk to them. 360 00:18:14.338 --> 00:18:17.280 I would make them accept who they were through talking. 361 00:18:17.340 --> 00:18:22.645 And I had a lot of repeat clients who came back just to chat and just to tell me about 362 00:18:23.025 --> 00:18:29.547 their upbringing, how they had traumatic experiences or how they tried to explore this in their younger years. 363 00:18:29.607 --> 00:18:36.048 And they just felt good telling someone because they didn't even feel comfortable sharing it with anybody else in their lives. 364 00:18:36.108 --> 00:18:36.808 I'm sure. 365 00:18:36.868 --> 00:18:39.529 Because again, the judgment, right? 366 00:18:39.869 --> 00:18:40.169 Yeah. 367 00:18:40.429 --> 00:18:41.289 Oh my God. 368 00:18:41.469 --> 00:18:43.170 But these were successful men. 369 00:18:43.210 --> 00:18:48.491 They had like high six figure salaries, seven figure bonuses were in midtown Manhattan and 370 00:18:49.311 --> 00:18:54.173 In my mind, as a 24-year-old, they had everything you could ever want because they had money and power. 371 00:18:54.793 --> 00:18:58.874 But at home, they were lonely and felt unseen by their partner. 372 00:18:58.934 --> 00:19:02.395 So then you became a coach. 373 00:19:02.875 --> 00:19:03.655 A few years later. 374 00:19:03.835 --> 00:19:08.077 I actually stopped being a dom, dedicated myself to corporate America, and hated it. 375 00:19:09.297 --> 00:19:09.638 Hated. 376 00:19:09.738 --> 00:19:16.085 I actually, in the end, I left a job at Peacock, NBC streaming service, where I was their director of customer retention. 377 00:19:16.466 --> 00:19:17.847 I was just like, I can't do this anymore. 378 00:19:17.867 --> 00:19:18.528 I don't want to do it. 379 00:19:18.568 --> 00:19:19.109 Good for you. 380 00:19:19.289 --> 00:19:21.611 And I became a full time sex and relationship coach. 381 00:19:21.652 --> 00:19:22.072 Good for you. 382 00:19:22.472 --> 00:19:27.018 I think, you know, I say at this point, after everything I've been through, life is so short. 383 00:19:27.738 --> 00:19:31.640 If you're not doing something you love and you're passionate, right? 384 00:19:31.680 --> 00:19:34.701 And you wake up and you're like, I'm so happy it's Monday. 385 00:19:34.921 --> 00:19:35.141 Yes. 386 00:19:35.161 --> 00:19:37.362 Because I see a lot of people miserable, right? 387 00:19:37.442 --> 00:19:40.043 Monday through Friday because they're doing something they don't like. 388 00:19:40.063 --> 00:19:44.305 I'm like, man, you know, life is really short to just be happy on the weekends. 389 00:19:44.605 --> 00:19:44.945 I know. 390 00:19:45.065 --> 00:19:46.666 But do you know what's interesting about that? 391 00:19:47.086 --> 00:19:50.167 Much like my clients in kink, they think that they can't open up. 392 00:19:50.187 --> 00:19:51.268 They can't access it. 393 00:19:51.648 --> 00:19:55.830 There was a time in my corporate life where I thought I could never work for myself. 394 00:19:55.950 --> 00:19:56.190 I don't. 395 00:19:56.710 --> 00:20:02.435 I thought I can never that's not accessible to me, which it was just a story I was telling myself. 396 00:20:02.896 --> 00:20:06.018 And I was just driving here today because I used to come to L.A. for work all the time. 397 00:20:06.058 --> 00:20:10.702 And I was like, I am so free and happy not to be in corporate America anymore. 398 00:20:10.802 --> 00:20:11.723 And look at me. 399 00:20:11.803 --> 00:20:12.244 Yeah. 400 00:20:12.924 --> 00:20:16.465 I love helping people experience that with kink. 401 00:20:16.825 --> 00:20:21.127 They thought that their wives would never accept this about them. 402 00:20:21.447 --> 00:20:29.010 And then through working together, through opening up, being vulnerable, and really helping their wives understand them a little bit more, they are able to communicate. 403 00:20:29.950 --> 00:20:32.291 couples that come to you together? 404 00:20:32.371 --> 00:20:34.152 Like, okay, we want to talk about it. 405 00:20:34.192 --> 00:20:35.633 We want to explore it. 406 00:20:36.153 --> 00:20:40.216 Or is it usually the man that initiate the conversation with you? 407 00:20:40.656 --> 00:20:42.597 It's the man who initiates, right? 408 00:20:42.637 --> 00:20:50.521 So I do call myself a king coach for men because sometimes I will only work with the man and what I'm doing is teaching him how to communicate with his wife what he wants. 409 00:20:50.962 --> 00:20:57.765 Because I would recommend you never go into a conversation and just say, I want you to put me in a chastity cage or I want you... 410 00:21:00.589 --> 00:21:02.111 No, you don't jump straight in, right? 411 00:21:02.131 --> 00:21:02.752 No, yeah, you need... 412 00:21:02.792 --> 00:21:10.164 I mean, yeah, I would think if you've never done it before, you kind of like got to, you know, ease your way into it. 413 00:21:10.424 --> 00:21:11.846 Yes, you do have to ease your way in. 414 00:21:12.147 --> 00:21:13.709 But the amount of people who just... 415 00:21:14.690 --> 00:21:18.111 They get so nervous that they just approach it like I'm throwing spaghetti at the wall. 416 00:21:18.131 --> 00:21:20.232 I'm just going to blurt it out and see what happens. 417 00:21:20.352 --> 00:21:23.393 And that is the worst possible way to go about it. 418 00:21:23.773 --> 00:21:25.013 You have to take your time. 419 00:21:25.314 --> 00:21:29.355 You have to think, how are they going to receive this message the best? 420 00:21:29.475 --> 00:21:30.655 How are they going to understand it? 421 00:21:30.695 --> 00:21:34.156 And if you just say, put me in a chastity cage, that's not the way. 422 00:21:34.356 --> 00:21:35.257 Do you know what I mean? 423 00:21:36.097 --> 00:21:36.717 That's so fun. 424 00:21:36.877 --> 00:21:37.137 Right? 425 00:21:37.337 --> 00:21:37.698 Yeah. 426 00:21:37.798 --> 00:21:42.239 So what's the baby step you said is like the Tuesday 9 p.m. conversation. 427 00:21:42.579 --> 00:21:49.626 And then you actually, before you even go into that conversation, I want you to think about what you want to experience and how you want to feel. 428 00:21:49.727 --> 00:21:54.251 Because I'll tell you, a chastity cage is not something a lot of people have empathy for. 429 00:21:54.271 --> 00:21:55.492 They don't understand it. 430 00:21:55.532 --> 00:21:55.873 Right. 431 00:21:55.993 --> 00:22:00.658 But if you say, I want to feel restrained, I want to feel owned by you. 432 00:22:01.018 --> 00:22:05.340 the feeling you're trying to get is at least something your partner can understand. 433 00:22:05.820 --> 00:22:07.701 So go a little deeper than just your kink. 434 00:22:08.001 --> 00:22:09.561 Say you want to be tied up by your partner. 435 00:22:09.601 --> 00:22:13.083 You don't just say, I want you to tie me up or handcuff me because that can be confusing. 436 00:22:13.683 --> 00:22:18.805 You say, I would love to feel totally secure and restrained. 437 00:22:18.925 --> 00:22:22.586 And you talk about the feeling you want to have as opposed to the kink itself. 438 00:22:23.086 --> 00:22:26.748 So your partner has something to grasp onto because without that, 439 00:22:27.188 --> 00:22:36.996 You're just looking at a chastity cage, which if no one knows what that is, it is literally a metal cage that goes around your like... That's very advanced. 440 00:22:37.136 --> 00:22:38.157 It's very advanced. 441 00:22:38.277 --> 00:22:38.597 It is. 442 00:22:38.637 --> 00:22:40.659 I think you got to start with baby steps. 443 00:22:40.679 --> 00:22:41.760 You probably do. 444 00:22:42.120 --> 00:22:49.086 You wrote something on your website and I don't have it here in front of me because, you know, I'm doing this organically, no note cards. 445 00:22:49.126 --> 00:22:50.587 But so I'm going to paraphrase. 446 00:22:50.607 --> 00:22:51.188 Yeah, go for it. 447 00:22:51.228 --> 00:22:52.849 But it was something very interesting. 448 00:22:53.289 --> 00:22:55.351 You mentioned like if a couple... 449 00:22:56.135 --> 00:22:57.176 Have different kinks. 450 00:22:57.376 --> 00:23:03.361 Like, let's say one wants to be dominated and the other one doesn't. 451 00:23:03.541 --> 00:23:07.965 How do you or maybe and that was going to be my question for you. 452 00:23:08.325 --> 00:23:12.769 What if both like let's say what if both want to be the dominant? 453 00:23:13.089 --> 00:23:13.369 Yes. 454 00:23:13.389 --> 00:23:13.970 Yes. 455 00:23:14.210 --> 00:23:16.552 Or, you know, nobody wants to be the submissive. 456 00:23:16.592 --> 00:23:17.673 That's an issue, right? 457 00:23:17.873 --> 00:23:18.153 It is. 458 00:23:18.433 --> 00:23:23.857 Like for me, my whole personal life, my business life, my life, I'm in control of everything, right? 459 00:23:23.977 --> 00:23:24.818 I own my business. 460 00:23:25.298 --> 00:23:25.759 I do this. 461 00:23:25.839 --> 00:23:27.200 I mean, I'm the boss. 462 00:23:27.340 --> 00:23:30.822 So in my personal life, I want to completely relinquish control. 463 00:23:31.743 --> 00:23:36.187 So I would never, like if a dude told me spank me, I would say I'm not for you. 464 00:23:37.368 --> 00:23:41.512 Because I don't want to be in my personal life taking control of a man. 465 00:23:41.552 --> 00:23:43.674 So I'm very open about it, you know. 466 00:23:44.054 --> 00:23:48.858 Even before, I think, I personally think it's a conversation you have to have even before you're in a relationship. 467 00:23:48.898 --> 00:23:49.979 I agree completely. 468 00:23:50.160 --> 00:23:55.584 And I think that that puts you at a benefit because you know yourself well enough to know what you like and what you don't like. 469 00:23:56.445 --> 00:23:59.066 And you're ready to have the conversation before the relationship. 470 00:23:59.146 --> 00:24:03.887 However, the couples I work with most married over 15 years. 471 00:24:03.987 --> 00:24:04.307 Right. 472 00:24:04.567 --> 00:24:06.108 Very happy relationships. 473 00:24:06.508 --> 00:24:07.808 And I call it the thing. 474 00:24:08.069 --> 00:24:08.789 The one thing. 475 00:24:09.249 --> 00:24:12.810 This is the one thing that is making them unhappy in their relationship. 476 00:24:13.510 --> 00:24:15.272 And if they could just figure it out. 477 00:24:15.832 --> 00:24:24.079 And oftentimes they're willing to bend for each other because I've had a client tell me his wife, they were both dominant, exactly like you're saying. 478 00:24:24.660 --> 00:24:26.361 And she would not submit. 479 00:24:26.702 --> 00:24:32.867 And we got to a stage of working together where I was like, well, would you consider going outside of the marriage was not an option for them? 480 00:24:33.247 --> 00:24:35.069 I said, would you consider divorce? 481 00:24:35.089 --> 00:24:35.229 Yeah. 482 00:24:35.569 --> 00:24:37.471 And he said, I'm worth $80 million. 483 00:24:37.712 --> 00:24:39.414 I'm not getting a divorce. 484 00:24:39.814 --> 00:24:40.635 I was like, okay. 485 00:24:40.735 --> 00:24:41.876 No, she's stuck with me. 486 00:24:41.996 --> 00:24:46.522 I was like, okay, this is a new problem I haven't fully encountered yet. 487 00:24:47.082 --> 00:24:52.589 It wasn't even that they weren't for the divorce necessarily, just that they weren't going to do it because it didn't make sense. 488 00:24:52.609 --> 00:24:53.750 So that's another example of, 489 00:24:54.110 --> 00:25:00.558 But do you think it works if both partners want the same thing in a partner? 490 00:25:01.299 --> 00:25:10.990 Or they're just – because, like, if she's a dominant, he's a dominant, they can do it, you know, they can talk about it, but isn't it a personality trait? 491 00:25:11.410 --> 00:25:12.510 What you like in bed? 492 00:25:13.171 --> 00:25:14.311 It is a personality trait. 493 00:25:14.391 --> 00:25:19.553 However, if we are talking about a partnership, it's almost like being in business together. 494 00:25:19.873 --> 00:25:23.395 And maybe neither of you likes paperwork in business, but it has to get done. 495 00:25:23.455 --> 00:25:25.575 So maybe one month you do it, the next month the other person. 496 00:25:25.635 --> 00:25:30.277 Yeah, but then isn't it kind of like a little bit of an obligation to keep the marriage going, you think? 497 00:25:30.837 --> 00:25:32.518 I think that it's all about choice. 498 00:25:32.998 --> 00:25:34.580 You can absolutely opt out. 499 00:25:34.640 --> 00:25:38.846 And I've had couples say, I've had consultations where the wife said, I'm absolutely not doing it. 500 00:25:38.866 --> 00:25:45.335 And I'm like, well, then I don't think we should work together because I don't, I'm not in the business of coercing or just taking people's money. 501 00:25:45.835 --> 00:25:48.098 So there's choice in all of this. 502 00:25:48.219 --> 00:25:48.679 However. 503 00:25:49.280 --> 00:25:55.141 What I often find is people feel guilty or they feel they recognize their own discomfort with sex and intimacy. 504 00:25:55.681 --> 00:25:58.302 And then they're willing to work on it and see what's in there. 505 00:25:58.402 --> 00:26:03.043 So I believe anyone can be dominant in the bedroom or they can be submissive. 506 00:26:03.203 --> 00:26:06.184 And I work with people to find their authentic version. 507 00:26:06.404 --> 00:26:06.644 Right. 508 00:26:07.084 --> 00:26:10.205 So maybe you don't want to be the hard ass dominant who spanks. 509 00:26:10.265 --> 00:26:10.985 And that's really fair. 510 00:26:11.565 --> 00:26:14.848 But say you're 20 years into a marriage and you're like, I don't want the marriage to end. 511 00:26:15.008 --> 00:26:15.489 I don't. 512 00:26:15.609 --> 00:26:16.570 They do so much for me. 513 00:26:16.590 --> 00:26:17.110 Why am I saying no? 514 00:26:17.170 --> 00:26:17.530 I agree. 515 00:26:17.591 --> 00:26:18.371 That's different. 516 00:26:18.471 --> 00:26:27.139 I think if you're in a long-term relationship and you want to spice up your sex life, I would say, yeah, be open-minded. 517 00:26:27.179 --> 00:26:27.680 Try things. 518 00:26:27.700 --> 00:26:27.960 Try things. 519 00:26:28.320 --> 00:26:41.723 But for people out there dating and the younger people listening or like women that are divorced or widows like me, I think for the next relationships, if you can. 520 00:26:42.143 --> 00:26:43.804 And a lot of people think I'm crazy. 521 00:26:43.824 --> 00:26:44.964 Like, what do you mean I'm going to talk? 522 00:26:45.064 --> 00:26:48.305 I think the same way you talk about money, lifestyle. 523 00:26:48.785 --> 00:26:49.746 Life goals. 524 00:26:49.886 --> 00:26:50.286 100%. 525 00:26:50.386 --> 00:26:58.370 I think before you decide you're going to move in together and this person is the love of your life, you also should – I think you should have some sexual compatibility. 526 00:26:58.651 --> 00:26:59.371 Yes, 1,000%. 527 00:26:59.491 --> 00:26:59.811 Right? 528 00:27:00.071 --> 00:27:06.095 I even will recommend for people who – if it's important to you, why aren't you bringing it up within the first three dates, right? 529 00:27:07.195 --> 00:27:08.457 At least by the time... 530 00:27:08.477 --> 00:27:13.101 I don't know when you go to bed, like you got to start talking about it when you finally have sex. 531 00:27:13.162 --> 00:27:16.325 You cannot just hope that it's going to get better. 532 00:27:16.445 --> 00:27:20.009 You can't hope that they're going to be compatible in this place because you're right. 533 00:27:20.069 --> 00:27:21.130 It's just like finances. 534 00:27:21.610 --> 00:27:22.151 I am with you. 535 00:27:22.291 --> 00:27:22.811 If you are... 536 00:27:23.877 --> 00:27:29.039 Under one year of dating and you are not compatible here, that's not getting better on its own. 537 00:27:29.199 --> 00:27:29.379 Right. 538 00:27:29.399 --> 00:27:37.402 You either have to work towards it and be willing to compromise or you need to talk about, well, how important is this to you if it's actually important? 539 00:27:37.482 --> 00:27:38.642 We are not compatible. 540 00:27:38.951 --> 00:27:41.312 Yeah, and you just said something, willing to compromise. 541 00:27:41.452 --> 00:27:48.216 Because sometimes there is one person that is more sexually open and the other person is more shy. 542 00:27:48.616 --> 00:27:57.721 But if the shy person is willing to talk about it, like, oh, okay, I know sex is really important to you, I think that's great. 543 00:27:58.181 --> 00:27:58.381 Yeah. 544 00:27:58.602 --> 00:27:58.962 Right. 545 00:27:59.082 --> 00:28:02.946 But if one person is like, what, you know, no, I'm too conservative. 546 00:28:03.426 --> 00:28:06.850 Then, you know, it's not a good match because that's not going to change. 547 00:28:06.890 --> 00:28:07.130 Right. 548 00:28:07.390 --> 00:28:08.872 And I've heard this story before. 549 00:28:10.013 --> 00:28:13.816 I'm just giving an example because it happens to me, a man where he knew what he was interested in. 550 00:28:14.217 --> 00:28:18.201 And she was like, it's OK that you're interested in it, but you can't do that with me. 551 00:28:18.721 --> 00:28:20.043 And I was like, why did you stay? 552 00:28:20.603 --> 00:28:24.984 You know, if you knew it was important to you, where did you think it was going to go? 553 00:28:25.104 --> 00:28:25.905 Do you know what I mean? 554 00:28:25.965 --> 00:28:34.407 So I think there's also that aspect of if you're not having that conversation, is this a relationship you think you're going to be in long term or are you just passing time right now? 555 00:28:34.707 --> 00:28:36.048 I know that's such a good point. 556 00:28:36.228 --> 00:28:43.710 So you I know maybe it's a stupid question, but I think a lot of people out there don't understand really well. 557 00:28:44.830 --> 00:28:46.951 What is a kink and what's not a kink? 558 00:28:47.211 --> 00:28:50.192 Is it something silly to go and get your help? 559 00:28:50.612 --> 00:28:54.033 Like, for example, I know you said to be tied up and all those things. 560 00:28:54.213 --> 00:28:59.895 We know those are kinks, but some couples, they need help with, you know, lighter things. 561 00:28:59.935 --> 00:29:00.195 Yeah. 562 00:29:00.775 --> 00:29:19.538 doing a threesome or I know there are a lot of men and I talked about it on on the show before that you know they have this fantasy they want to see the woman with another guy yes things like right that's a big fantasy for a lot of men and they're very I've had boyfriends that said oh I was I was married for 20 years I never would have been able 563 00:29:20.080 --> 00:29:27.306 to say that to my wife and now I'm so happy that I can say it to you, you know, so that you probably hear that a lot. 564 00:29:27.366 --> 00:29:28.267 I hear it all the time. 565 00:29:28.367 --> 00:29:31.610 And sometimes those men, they just want to talk about the fantasy. 566 00:29:31.630 --> 00:29:32.891 They don't even want to live it out. 567 00:29:32.911 --> 00:29:33.511 Exactly. 568 00:29:33.531 --> 00:29:36.594 They just want a dirty talk about it during sex. 569 00:29:36.654 --> 00:29:36.934 Yeah. 570 00:29:36.954 --> 00:29:38.155 And they want to be able to say it out loud. 571 00:29:38.175 --> 00:29:39.697 But yes, there are men who want that. 572 00:29:40.377 --> 00:29:41.298 And I'm so sorry. 573 00:29:41.318 --> 00:29:41.898 What was the question? 574 00:29:41.918 --> 00:29:42.318 Yeah, so exactly. 575 00:29:42.398 --> 00:29:43.139 I didn't even ask the question. 576 00:29:43.159 --> 00:29:43.699 What are the kinks? 577 00:29:43.759 --> 00:29:44.239 No, I got it. 578 00:29:44.259 --> 00:29:54.285 So the question was, are you willing to help with anything or are there certain things that are too vanilla to be considered a kink or are all these things considered some kind of a kink? 579 00:29:54.565 --> 00:29:56.086 I think almost anything's a kink. 580 00:29:56.506 --> 00:30:00.527 Anything outside of what's considered quote unquote normal sex. 581 00:30:00.707 --> 00:30:03.588 So what's considered normal now was not 60 years ago. 582 00:30:03.948 --> 00:30:06.889 For example, 60 years ago, a blowjob was considered kinky. 583 00:30:07.129 --> 00:30:07.589 Oh, really? 584 00:30:07.629 --> 00:30:09.510 Now high school students do it as foreplay. 585 00:30:09.630 --> 00:30:10.310 You know what I mean? 586 00:30:10.370 --> 00:30:12.330 It's like it's the most basic thing. 587 00:30:12.490 --> 00:30:12.830 Yeah. 588 00:30:12.890 --> 00:30:16.952 So I would say anything outside of what's considered normal right now. 589 00:30:17.092 --> 00:30:22.073 And it can be dirty talk, which I think is very it's borderline vanilla, but it's not. 590 00:30:22.333 --> 00:30:25.394 I think it seems sexy and important. 591 00:30:25.474 --> 00:30:27.295 I don't like to have sex in silence. 592 00:30:27.355 --> 00:30:29.535 No, neither do I. I think it's boring as fuck. 593 00:30:29.615 --> 00:30:31.436 I remember I had a boyfriend a few years ago. 594 00:30:32.356 --> 00:30:36.618 And he was one of these dudes that was married for 25 years. 595 00:30:36.718 --> 00:30:37.598 Super boring. 596 00:30:37.638 --> 00:30:38.078 La, la, la. 597 00:30:38.418 --> 00:30:44.060 So when we were dating and we finally had sex, he was in complete... Like he wasn't even breathing. 598 00:30:44.660 --> 00:30:47.061 It was complete silence. 599 00:30:47.621 --> 00:30:48.902 Yeah, that's strange. 600 00:30:48.922 --> 00:30:49.542 Complete silence. 601 00:30:49.622 --> 00:30:51.503 And I was like, oh, man, this is so... 602 00:30:52.203 --> 00:30:53.264 It's boring. 603 00:30:53.464 --> 00:30:55.485 I wonder what was going on in his head, though. 604 00:30:55.685 --> 00:30:56.486 Oh, he was. 605 00:30:56.586 --> 00:30:56.746 Yeah. 606 00:30:57.006 --> 00:31:00.328 After it was done, he would be like, oh, my God, this is so great. 607 00:31:00.368 --> 00:31:05.011 And so slowly I'm because obviously you realize that I'm like you. 608 00:31:05.031 --> 00:31:05.771 I'm very open. 609 00:31:05.991 --> 00:31:06.291 Yeah. 610 00:31:06.371 --> 00:31:08.793 I don't think it's a big deal to talk about what you want. 611 00:31:08.973 --> 00:31:09.473 Right. 612 00:31:09.593 --> 00:31:10.194 It's fun. 613 00:31:10.234 --> 00:31:11.595 It's a big part of your relationship. 614 00:31:12.015 --> 00:31:16.618 But it took months and months and months for him to even like not be embarrassed to breathe. 615 00:31:16.638 --> 00:31:16.738 Yeah. 616 00:31:17.518 --> 00:31:18.519 Or say something. 617 00:31:18.820 --> 00:31:25.848 But I think, you know, talking dirty and telling your partner what you want and what you like just makes, because we don't have a crystal ball, right? 618 00:31:25.868 --> 00:31:27.110 It just makes things better. 619 00:31:27.190 --> 00:31:28.912 No, no one can guess at what you want. 620 00:31:29.132 --> 00:31:34.859 Because you couldn't guess for a million years what I'm into when I say, like, oh, I want you to pretend I've been bad and you need to punish me. 621 00:31:34.879 --> 00:31:34.999 Right. 622 00:31:35.039 --> 00:31:36.881 But what I would say is... 623 00:31:37.962 --> 00:31:45.091 There is nothing too vanilla for me because I have a lot of couples who come to me and what's happening is they just want variety. 624 00:31:45.291 --> 00:31:46.493 They want spontaneity. 625 00:31:46.613 --> 00:31:48.275 They don't even need crazy sex. 626 00:31:48.295 --> 00:31:49.116 They don't need kink. 627 00:31:49.516 --> 00:31:53.962 They just need it to be a little bit different and not every Saturday at 10 a.m. we have sex. 628 00:31:54.262 --> 00:31:56.404 You know, right on the schedule, right? 629 00:31:56.464 --> 00:31:58.066 They want a little more spice. 630 00:31:58.246 --> 00:31:58.486 Yes. 631 00:31:58.566 --> 00:32:06.214 So they just they come to me to figure out because sometimes the reason why it's important for one partner to have sex at 10 a.m., they feel safe. 632 00:32:06.394 --> 00:32:07.275 They're prepared for it. 633 00:32:07.375 --> 00:32:09.718 They feel secure and ready to receive pleasure. 634 00:32:09.778 --> 00:32:14.383 So we start looking at things like, why can't you receive pleasure a Tuesday at 6 a.m.? 635 00:32:14.823 --> 00:32:15.483 You know what I mean? 636 00:32:15.523 --> 00:32:17.244 And then they're like, oh, I'm not a morning person. 637 00:32:17.264 --> 00:32:26.567 Then I'm like, okay, 11 p.m. And we start to peel back like, okay, what is blocking you from accessing your pleasure center and being able to relax into pleasure? 638 00:32:26.587 --> 00:32:31.108 Because oftentimes it's not that they want to be inflexible. 639 00:32:31.388 --> 00:32:36.150 They just are unable to really get to the root of what's stopping them. 640 00:32:36.210 --> 00:32:39.110 You know, a wall is up and they do not let that wall down. 641 00:32:39.491 --> 00:32:41.671 And the work I do is helping people bring their walls down. 642 00:32:41.911 --> 00:32:42.391 Oh, my gosh. 643 00:32:42.451 --> 00:32:43.752 So many people need your help. 644 00:32:43.972 --> 00:32:44.312 Yeah. 645 00:32:44.972 --> 00:32:48.153 I try and be as accessible as possible because of that. 646 00:32:48.173 --> 00:32:51.855 So if someone wants, oh, yeah, I would love to learn how to talk dirty, but I'm too ashamed. 647 00:32:51.935 --> 00:32:52.855 What do I say? 648 00:32:53.295 --> 00:32:56.777 Do you have any tips like baby steps for talking dirty? 649 00:32:56.937 --> 00:32:58.898 I would start with the physical aspect. 650 00:32:59.158 --> 00:33:01.959 Think about what's going on and just say that, right? 651 00:33:02.719 --> 00:33:07.181 I think, like, my favorite go-to is, oh, you feel so hard inside me. 652 00:33:07.241 --> 00:33:10.002 And maybe if that's not even true, you feel so good inside me, right? 653 00:33:10.302 --> 00:33:11.082 It's not true. 654 00:33:14.233 --> 00:33:17.176 I do try and lean on the side of like honesty. 655 00:33:17.216 --> 00:33:17.456 Right. 656 00:33:17.597 --> 00:33:17.877 Yeah. 657 00:33:17.957 --> 00:33:26.705 So, um, but even just like you smell so good, think about process what you're experiencing and say it out loud. 658 00:33:26.766 --> 00:33:27.847 And that's really hard to do. 659 00:33:28.227 --> 00:33:33.732 So in a vanilla way, you can practice that by, by saying something like there is a can on the table. 660 00:33:34.313 --> 00:33:34.413 Uh, 661 00:33:34.851 --> 00:33:35.391 it's cold. 662 00:33:35.691 --> 00:33:38.372 You know, you're processing what you're feeling, what you're experiencing. 663 00:33:38.452 --> 00:33:40.853 And then that translates into sex, because I'm not going to lie. 664 00:33:41.253 --> 00:33:43.734 Dirty talk about sex takes practice. 665 00:33:43.934 --> 00:33:45.795 Just like I said, you're not going to be a natural. 666 00:33:46.335 --> 00:33:47.796 But things like you smell so good, feel so good. 667 00:33:47.816 --> 00:33:54.758 I think talking about sex, right, Amanda, like just being open about it and feeling comfortable talking about what's important to you. 668 00:33:55.098 --> 00:33:59.940 Just saying out loud, having a happy, fulfilling sex life is important to me. 669 00:34:00.480 --> 00:34:01.421 It takes a long time. 670 00:34:01.441 --> 00:34:02.341 Like for me, it took... 671 00:34:03.918 --> 00:34:04.960 A long time. 672 00:34:04.980 --> 00:34:13.513 It was only when I started doing my show after I left this 15 year abusive marriage, a bunch of other really crappy relationships that I was like, you know what? 673 00:34:13.673 --> 00:34:17.919 It's OK. We deserve to have fulfilling sex lives. 674 00:34:17.959 --> 00:34:19.442 We deserve to talk about it. 675 00:34:19.882 --> 00:34:20.982 It doesn't make me a whore. 676 00:34:21.002 --> 00:34:22.583 It doesn't make me a bad person. 677 00:34:22.683 --> 00:34:24.423 It's completely fine. 678 00:34:24.643 --> 00:34:26.703 Your body was made for it. 679 00:34:26.763 --> 00:34:26.963 Right. 680 00:34:27.003 --> 00:34:27.603 I know. 681 00:34:27.663 --> 00:34:28.264 I deny that. 682 00:34:28.284 --> 00:34:29.264 It's so healthy. 683 00:34:29.504 --> 00:34:30.044 Right. 684 00:34:30.404 --> 00:34:43.466 And I'm just lucky that I spent time as a dominatrix because I saw what happens if I didn't start prioritizing it from a young age, you know, because it was so easy in New York to just go after the guy with the perfect job or the perfect life. 685 00:34:44.026 --> 00:34:46.387 But if you didn't have the chemistry, it didn't matter. 686 00:34:46.507 --> 00:34:47.087 Right. 687 00:34:47.127 --> 00:34:47.387 Right. 688 00:34:47.727 --> 00:34:57.892 But I also think the fact that you figure out from such an early age what you liked, it makes you such a confident young woman. 689 00:34:58.112 --> 00:35:03.154 I look at you from your work, but also just talking to you, and you know who you are. 690 00:35:03.174 --> 00:35:05.115 You know what you like. 691 00:35:05.255 --> 00:35:06.075 You know what you want. 692 00:35:06.135 --> 00:35:09.277 And I think if more people were like that... 693 00:35:10.333 --> 00:35:12.315 relationships would be better in general. 694 00:35:12.475 --> 00:35:13.336 That's what I want. 695 00:35:13.456 --> 00:35:15.157 But it took years of shame. 696 00:35:15.277 --> 00:35:21.943 My teenage years and even my early 20s, I had a failed marriage because I was too embarrassed to talk about what I wanted. 697 00:35:22.323 --> 00:35:23.965 So I made all the mistakes early. 698 00:35:24.005 --> 00:35:32.272 And in fact, the work I do now, all I know is I don't want anybody to ever feel ashamed of what they want to the point that it nearly ruins things. 699 00:35:32.332 --> 00:35:37.353 their life because they're scared to just say, yeah, spank me, you know, wonderful message. 700 00:35:37.573 --> 00:35:38.514 I love that. 701 00:35:38.634 --> 00:35:39.014 I think. 702 00:35:39.394 --> 00:35:49.296 And even if I and you tell me if you agree, if you if you suggest something to your partner, oh, you know, I want to I want you to spend and they're like, you know, I'm not ready for that. 703 00:35:49.336 --> 00:35:55.138 But even if they say no, it's such a big step for you to be able to say it. 704 00:35:55.598 --> 00:35:56.818 You are so spot on. 705 00:35:56.978 --> 00:35:59.839 The amount of people who message me, they might not hire me, but they say, 706 00:36:00.499 --> 00:36:06.744 They heard me, they didn't leave me, and I feel seen, and they feel relaxed in their body because they've been seen. 707 00:36:06.984 --> 00:36:08.185 Yeah, I think it's one step. 708 00:36:08.245 --> 00:36:13.169 Maybe they're not interested in doing that, but maybe they're interested in doing something else. 709 00:36:13.189 --> 00:36:21.997 Yeah, and it opens it up to the conversation at least being open because maybe it starts with like, that's not really my thing, but six months in… 710 00:36:22.497 --> 00:36:23.818 Your partner feels more comfortable. 711 00:36:23.838 --> 00:36:25.459 They've maybe researched it themselves. 712 00:36:25.499 --> 00:36:27.300 And they're like, I'm willing to try that thing. 713 00:36:27.620 --> 00:36:29.421 And sometimes the conversation comes up again. 714 00:36:29.581 --> 00:36:37.466 I have had success, by the way, with couples who have circled in the same conversation for 10 years before they were ready to explore it. 715 00:36:37.646 --> 00:36:39.667 And then they decide, I want to explore this. 716 00:36:39.747 --> 00:36:40.807 I just don't know how. 717 00:36:40.887 --> 00:36:41.848 I have a lot of hangups. 718 00:36:42.008 --> 00:36:42.829 And they come to me. 719 00:36:42.949 --> 00:36:43.789 And we work through it. 720 00:36:44.209 --> 00:36:46.331 You're doing amazing work. 721 00:36:46.631 --> 00:36:47.111 Thank you. 722 00:36:47.251 --> 00:36:48.652 Congratulations. 723 00:36:48.672 --> 00:36:50.573 I feel lucky because I love my job. 724 00:36:50.793 --> 00:36:52.957 Yeah, I think that's a that's really important. 725 00:36:52.977 --> 00:37:04.595 I always say if we do something from the heart, and you do something with passion, and at the end of the day, you are helping people with an area that and I say this, always say this with a heavy heart. 726 00:37:05.852 --> 00:37:09.074 I dream of the day that we normalize this conversation. 727 00:37:09.094 --> 00:37:24.943 Like I dream of the day that it's completely fine for women to speak up about what they want, that we should be able to post on social media episodes like this and write the word sex and write the word pleasure and all these things without being shamed. 728 00:37:25.423 --> 00:37:33.546 Because I don't I just posted this video on social media like yesterday all the men who contact me for a consultation They all say the same thing. 729 00:37:34.186 --> 00:37:42.569 I don't want to die never having Explored this never having had this and I heard all the men saying it So then I made a video saying women I hear this all the time. 730 00:37:42.609 --> 00:37:46.990 It's kind of getting freaky Do you experience the same thing the video blew up? 731 00:37:47.151 --> 00:37:51.312 I have hundreds of comments of women saying yes actually I left my marriage and 732 00:37:51.572 --> 00:37:52.293 I brought it up. 733 00:37:52.453 --> 00:37:56.517 I made it a non-negotiable because I decided I also don't want to go my whole life. 734 00:37:56.557 --> 00:37:57.438 There you go. 735 00:37:57.518 --> 00:37:58.919 If you could have done this at 25. 736 00:37:59.140 --> 00:38:00.781 Oh, okay. 737 00:38:00.801 --> 00:38:02.243 My dogs woke up, guys. 738 00:38:02.303 --> 00:38:02.843 I'm sorry. 739 00:38:02.863 --> 00:38:03.864 They're in agreement. 740 00:38:03.884 --> 00:38:05.326 There's somebody at the door. 741 00:38:05.926 --> 00:38:06.967 If you could do this at 25 or 35. 742 00:38:08.809 --> 00:38:11.971 and just accept yourself sooner, you would be in a better situation. 743 00:38:12.211 --> 00:38:13.412 One million percent. 744 00:38:13.552 --> 00:38:14.572 One million percent. 745 00:38:14.632 --> 00:38:14.893 I know. 746 00:38:14.993 --> 00:38:16.293 I totally agree with you, Amanda. 747 00:38:16.333 --> 00:38:18.194 I think these are such important conversations. 748 00:38:18.294 --> 00:38:19.715 I am so honored that you're here. 749 00:38:19.795 --> 00:38:21.736 I know we're going to have a million questions for you. 750 00:38:22.317 --> 00:38:23.517 Thank you so much, guys. 751 00:38:23.557 --> 00:38:27.820 I'm putting the link to her website here on this episode. 752 00:38:28.220 --> 00:38:32.522 And on Instagram, she's the underscore kink consultant. 753 00:38:32.683 --> 00:38:33.783 Can I add one more thing? 754 00:38:33.803 --> 00:38:34.624 Yes, please. 755 00:38:34.704 --> 00:38:35.164 I have a... 756 00:38:35.864 --> 00:38:38.405 So many people said, how do I tell my partner I'm kinky? 757 00:38:38.565 --> 00:38:41.305 I made a free worksheet that anyone can download. 758 00:38:41.325 --> 00:38:45.206 And I'd love to give you that link to go step by step. 759 00:38:45.586 --> 00:38:46.727 Not just Tuesday at 9. 760 00:38:46.747 --> 00:38:50.128 It goes step by step of how you bring up the kink conversation. 761 00:38:50.388 --> 00:38:50.928 Maybe. 762 00:38:51.088 --> 00:38:54.188 You don't know if you're kink or not if you don't try, right? 763 00:38:54.268 --> 00:38:55.349 No, you got to try. 764 00:38:55.449 --> 00:38:56.289 Explore. 765 00:38:56.309 --> 00:38:56.709 Exactly. 766 00:38:56.749 --> 00:38:57.929 You only have one life. 767 00:38:57.989 --> 00:38:59.450 You may as well figure it out. 768 00:38:59.510 --> 00:39:00.510 And like you just said, 769 00:39:00.850 --> 00:39:03.671 Even if you try and you don't like it, you don't have to do it ever again. 770 00:39:03.691 --> 00:39:04.052 Exactly. 771 00:39:04.072 --> 00:39:05.232 But, you know, say yes. 772 00:39:05.272 --> 00:39:05.852 Give it a try. 773 00:39:05.892 --> 00:39:06.753 Be adventurous. 774 00:39:06.813 --> 00:39:07.073 Yes. 775 00:39:07.173 --> 00:39:09.054 And if you're like, I don't want to do that, that's fine. 776 00:39:09.094 --> 00:39:11.095 But ask yourself, why do I not want to do it? 777 00:39:11.355 --> 00:39:12.736 Be curious about yourself, too. 778 00:39:12.956 --> 00:39:14.456 Thank you so much, Amanda. 779 00:39:14.496 --> 00:39:15.537 This was such a pleasure. 780 00:39:15.577 --> 00:39:16.777 Guys, be safe out there. 781 00:39:16.857 --> 00:39:23.701 And yes, please go talk to your partners about having great sex because it's a beautiful part of life and we shouldn't be ashamed of it. 782 00:39:23.781 --> 00:39:24.041 100. 783 00:39:24.121 --> 00:39:24.841 Yeah. 784 00:39:24.901 --> 00:39:25.902 Thank you, Amanda. 785 00:39:25.942 --> 00:39:26.762 You're amazing.