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Learning and becoming the best person of ourselves, at least for me, is kind of the purpose of living.

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If that is at least part of your life's purpose, then I think having somebody who supports that goal,

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rather than someone who is neutral or detracts from it, is probably a good thing.

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So I wanted to talk about something that's a little different than probably my normal topic,

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but I think really important for a lot of you. It's actually about your significant

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so here's the deal. Lail and I had this realization that the number one kind of multiplier or

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amplifier on someone's effectiveness inside the business actually had a lot to do with what was

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going on outside of the business. And what's difficult for that is the business owners that you

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want, or rather, I want to be able to predict how well someone does over the long haul.

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If many variables exist, many variables must be studied. If we think about your subjective

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well-being, so your happiness metric, the strongest correlate to that of all variables is the strength

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of your relation with your significant other. Believe me, this is about making money and not being

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happy. That's not my, not my stick. So I will, I will stay to my lane. I do think that a significant

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part of that is whether your significant other helps you achieve your goals. And so the reason

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that this is so nasty is that I have had people who came into our companies and were what I thought

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were going to be stars. And then they're significant other, derailed them. And the reason that I think

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it's so insidious is that it's not done out of mellus. And I think that's why it's so tricky.

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Is that let's say you have a tough day at work and you go home and you were significant other,

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it says, ah, like, you know, enough about your day. Let's talk about my day. And, you know,

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here's a big bowl of ice cream or hey, let's, you know, let's cut it in or oh, hey, let's go see

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friends, right? All of that seems well-intentioned. The question that we have to ask ourselves is, does

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this increase or decrease the likely that hit my goals? And I see hitting one's goals as essentially

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your relationship with yourself, which is why I see goal achievement as the most important

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thing that you can do in your life, because it's really just you can meet, keep your commitments

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to yourself. And before anyone jumps down my throat, the analogy that I would give is the very

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classic one, which is like when you're on an airplane, what do they say? You put your air mask on

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before you help others. And I think that your significant other was likely attracted to you to

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some degree, uh, based on your aspirations, what you want to do with your life. And what's interesting

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is that they will be attracted to that thing and then also be the source of that demise. They will

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do things and take actions that make it less likely that you achieve your goals and then complain

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about the fact that those goals have not been hit. And that's tough. And it's usually because they

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do not see that what they do hurts you. And I say hurts you not because again out of malice,

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but out of what happens, what occurs. And so this has been something I've been thinking a lot,

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so much so that we are considering putting it as a part of our interview process for people

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coming in. And so if you look at how supportive a spouse is or you're significant other,

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I think that it's not a binary. Um, I see you don't have to continue them, right? On the on the

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absolute worst case, you have somebody who's like, you need to quit that job, you need to quit that

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place, whatever. Now under the right circumstances, that could be super encouraging because they're

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saying you should go up to your dreams in which case that's amazing and they're over here, right?

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But if that's the main vehicle that you have to like provide for the family and that's your dream

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or that's your goal, then how terrible is that? And now every time you go home, you're reminded of

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this and basically talking about work is punished, which then associates a negative and a

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versus stimulus with the thing that you need to keep doing in order to hit the goals as a unit,

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which is kind of a secondary theme that I have around spouses that are on the good side of the

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continuum, which is that they see you and them as one. And so it's like we are achieving this goal.

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We are like, I am taking these sacrifices. I am making money too. And I'm allocating some of my

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money so that my spouse can do what they want to do. He or she wants to do that type of unit tends to,

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I'll say, I'll say tend to do, tends to outperform. The people who are kind of solo dome,

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right? Like, on again, the extreme, if somebody who actively tries to destroy one degree,

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you know, to the left of that is somebody who's passively destroying, which I would say is the same

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in terms of outcome. Like, hey, don't worry about it. Hey, kick your feet out. Hey, let's just go

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out this weekend. Let's not think about work. Well, it still results in the same thing, which is

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if you work less. And you don't talk about the thing that you care about. Now, if you care about

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your work, then it would make sense that you should be able to talk about that with the one person

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matters most in your life, right? But if you can't, it's very lonely. And I think it makes it

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less likely that your goal is that you stick with it. Because it no longer becomes an us thing.

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It's just a you thing. And then work becomes something that's a take from your relationship.

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Super tough. Because now you have some, you have conflicting priorities. You have conflicting

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reinforcement contingencies. You've got the spouse that whenever you do this other thing,

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it's taking away from that person. And that's because of how they have framed it. And so if you

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can have a spouse who frames you working as you loving them, then you win. Because they see you

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working as you feeding the unit, you feeding our goals. What we want to do with our lives,

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what impact we want to make is a family. And a family can still be two people. But nonetheless,

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on the left, right, you've got that you've got the actively destroying. Second, you've got

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passively destroyed. And the only difference I see there is intention, not as outcome. Now,

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to the to the middle of that, I think you have neutral. And so these are the people that are just

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like, you do your thing. I do my thing. Right. And I think there's kind of two, two flavors of this.

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One is you've got a spouse who has their own career or their own business and they're just running

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on their path and you're running on yours, which can actually be a very successful pairing.

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As long as you both given each other space to go pursue both of your goals, which then both

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of you are achieving your best version of yourselves. And then as each of you levels up, you become

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more and more attractive to the other person because like your stock goes up and so does theirs.

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Cool. The other version of neutrality I see is that they will not detract. They will not

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interfere with you achieving your goals. Now, very different from supporting. They just won't

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get in the way. If you have to work, they say, okay, now they're not going to say, hey, honey,

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don't worry about it. I got it at home. I got the kids or I got the whatever's going on.

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Like, I got this. Go do what you got to do. Right. That's supported. Neutral is understood.

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Right. I'll go figure out what I need to do in the meantime. And you can already guess where the next

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the next version of this is. Right. It's supportive, which is not they they increase the likelihood

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that you hit your goals. That's how I define support is that they take interest and they increase

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the likelihood that you hit whatever goal you set out to do. I think many people, some of you guys

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right now, if you're being honest with yourselves, if you were to answer the question, does having

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this person in my life increase or decrease the likelihood that I hit my goals? I think some of you

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might have a very tough, tough set of questions to have. So I'm going to give you five questions

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that I think are just destructive and just nuclear bombs. Number one, if someone tells you that you're

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a lot like your ex or your current, would you take that as a compliment? Think about it. Number two,

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would you allow your future kid to date someone like your spouse? Three, were you able to unapologetically

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be yourself or do you have to act like someone else when you are with them? Four, do you like

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the real them? Just their good side or the idea or potential of them? And then finally,

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while you are with them, are you fulfilled or are you simply less lonely? And so I think if you can

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think through those, those are tough questions to answer. And I would and I'll be clear, I think

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that every day, like sometimes there are moments where a relationship can get in the rocks.

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But I think what's interesting about this particular set of questions is that they zoom out a lot.

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Would you want your kid to date someone like this? If someone describes you like them, would you

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take it as a compliment? That's usually going to take it to their character, the behavior trace

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they do on a regular basis. Do you like the real them or the idea of them? Are you fulfilled

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or just lonely? These are I think really good questions when we're thinking about this because

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I've been fortunate with Leyla and I by no means do I stay here on a pedestal. I wouldn't

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even very clear her. But she has made it more likely that I hit my goals. And fundamentally,

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the reason that I ended up marrying her was from that frame. And we actually got married,

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I probably won't go too much more to this set only talking about relationships very much.

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I had a, you caught a mindset, I think it's exactly what was an executive coach. I had an

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executive coach when I was like 26 or 7. And it was before Leyla and I got married. And I said,

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I don't know if I want to be with this girl. It's not like, it's not like we have this like chemical

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fireworky chemistry, you know, relationship. But like, I think she's really cool. And I like her a

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lot. I like being a rounder. And I feel like I'm better when I'm with her. And he said, well,

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look at your stats. And so we just want, he went category by category. So he's like, how about,

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how about fitness? Are you working out? And I was like, yeah, she goes to the gym. And so I,

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you know, basically, if I don't want to go, I'll still go with her. And he was like, okay,

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she's working out more than you were in your own. I was like, yeah, he's like, okay. He's like,

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what about food? Are you eating healthier? And I was like, yeah, she, she's actually, you know,

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she did a year of culinary school. She likes, you know, cooking for me. She's like, big eating.

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She likes to do all that stuff. And um, but she's like in fitness. So she knows how to make like

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the kind of stuff that I want to eat. And he was like, that's great. Cool. He's like, okay,

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what about, what about financial aid? He's like, does she spend a lot of money? Um, I was like,

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no, actually she makes me money. Uh, like she not only doesn't spend money. She makes me money.

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And she helps me go make more money because she handles things that I would normally have to do

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so that I can go sell. And he's like, okay. And so we just keep going down this list and basically

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all my stats were up. And so that conversation was one of probably three moments in my life with

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Layla that I was like, oh, what if I use the frame of like, does this person help me become the

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person I want to be rather than do I have the butterfly tingles and fireworks, which is basically

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the limit test that I use for every other relationship that I'd been in my life. And the nice

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thing is that there's a lot of humans. And I think that it's kind of like mediocre employees

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where like the dangerous ones Frank Slutman talked about this. He's like a serial multi-billion

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dollar CEO. He said, the thing that will destroy your company is B players, not C players. C players

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are obvious and everyone's happy to kick them out. A players are winners. He said it's the B players.

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They're good enough to not get fired. And they're really just along for the ride. And I think

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many people myself included have been stuck in B relationship with B players for extended periods

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of time. And maybe they don't like now, maybe they don't have negative intentions. But when we

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ask the question, just to make it more likely that I have my goals with this person in my life,

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is it more likely that I've become the person that I want to become? Am I better as a result?

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If I had them rub off on me, do I see that as a compliment? Do I see that as a pro? And I think many

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of you guys want to succeed here. And I think many of you have a shackle around both of your feet

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and you're trying to run a marathon. And you're wondering why you can't run as fast as other people.

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But you're carrying this weight behind you, making it virtually impossible to run and compete.

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I know this one is as a character was what I normally talk about. But it's kind of one of those

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big picture things that the reason the Laylon I brought it up is that when we looked at the people

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who come into our company. And then we only measured them based on the relationship and support

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they have with their spouse, it was 100%. And that was why I was so freaky to me. Like we just went

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through a couple after a couple after a couple after a couple. And we could predict where they

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would end up. And what was interesting is that it didn't have a ton to do with where they started.

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So some people who were lower in the organization and had all in spouses who were like,

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would wear gym lunch gear, wear acquisition dot com gear. Even though they don't work at the company,

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they're like, whatever they need to do. And I've seen this on the husband side and the wife side.

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Right? Those people disproportionately performed compared to the opposite where you have a star who

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comes in, but then you meet the spouse, you meet the significant other. And it's like, oh. And

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here's the thing is that that person doesn't make you a worse runner. It just means that you have

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to use up so much of your energy on something that doesn't propel you forward. If you've got this

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weight around your ankle, you still have to be strong to run the race, arguably stronger,

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just to compete as a normal person. The idea is that you're wasting a huge amount of your potential

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just managing this relationship so that you can do what you want to do with your life.

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And I think this has just been just a theme. And even, you know, I've met some of the school day

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winners and things like that. I get questions during the lunch and people are just asking more

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personal stuff. And I just see it as this theme. If you want, if you're like, hey, I'm in a B

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relationship. I do just think I just have somebody who's along for the ride. If you want to not be

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a coward, let them go for two reasons. Well, because what it says about you and the other is for what

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it does for them. One is you are a coward for being afraid of being alone rather than wanting

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what you believe you deserve. It's settling. And you will always know at the end of the night

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when you're in bed and you're looking up at the stars or the dark ceiling. And you'll know when

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they're asleep whether or not you feel like you are equally yoked. Do you feel like you are with

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someone who who makes you who you want to be the second piece is that if you truly care about

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this person, which you claim to, I'm betting, then do you think it's fair to them that if they

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knew what you felt about them being a beat player, that they would still want to be in a relationship

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with you. And don't you feel like you owe it to them to give them a chance to find somebody who

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does think that they're an A player or them. And to be very clear, I don't think that these are

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actually intrinsic to the person. I think that dynamics between two people are very unique.

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I've had relationships in the past that were wonderful people and I still hope the absolute

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best for them. I just wasn't the right person for them. And that's okay. And so I think that

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we need to raise the bar on ourselves and be kind, not nice. Like being kind is maximizing

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the benefit of the other person, not supporting their feelings and getting agreement in the short

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term. It's very easy to get agreement. You just basically do whatever they say. But if you think

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that it's in their best interest that somebody else would love them better than you,

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then I think you owe it to them. I also think you owe it to yourself. I get what I call trade-off

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questions, which is like, hey, so how do I get my girlfriend to be into my work? It's never

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going to happen. Laylo and I talked about business the first date for four hours. All she cared

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about was fitness marketing. When we talked, it's literally what we talked about. Talk about ads,

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funnels, offers and conversion processes. That was their entire first date. We didn't talk about

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kids. We don't have anything. We just talked about that. And so it felt like it was just a business

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meeting. And I was like, well, that was fun. I was like, I didn't have to pretend to talk about

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something that I can care about. I was like, this is wonderful for me, right? Instead of having to

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pretend for an hour over, you know, throw you out that I give a shit about whatever you're doing,

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right? Much better. So if you're in that trade-off, like, how do I, you're not going to? It's very

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unlikely. But unless you create some sort of rewarding stimulus that gets them to be addicted to work,

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difficult, not impossible, but very difficult. Second to that, you get the trade-offs of like,

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okay, well, I want to spend time with my kids. I want to spend time with my wife. How do I balance

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that with work? You just, you balance it. And that's fine. It's just understanding that you're

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going to make trades. Like, if you worked every hour every day, you'll probably do better than if

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you didn't. And that's okay. Because also, it's relative to you, not relative to everywhere. So

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Jeff Bezos was married and had kids and then grew Amazon. Like, many of the richest people in the

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world are married and have lots of kids. Would you go as fast as you could if you spent all your time?

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No. Is it a trade-off you're willing to make? Probably. And I think that's fine. And so I think a lot

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of people get in these trade-off questions. But where I think you get into issues is where you have

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you're making the trade, but you're not getting even. You're trading your goals and you're not

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getting the fulfillment. You're not getting the person that makes you better. You're not getting

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the person that you would feel like a compliment if someone were to describe you like them. You're

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being with the person that you wouldn't want your kid to date. You're being with the person that

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only is there to keep you less lonely, but in no way makes you fulfilled. And I think that's where

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you get the, you get the, you get the worst of both. And that's where compromise means you just get

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none of, neither person goes to stay long. And so I think some of you guys might have a hard conversation

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or two. And sometimes it could just be the simple conversation of being like, hey, I would like it

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if you increased the likelihood of my goals. The way that you do that is in these three behaviors.

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And instead of this, do this. So if you want to give feedback, don't tell people to not do stuff.

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Tell them what to do instead. So under this condition, change your behavior in this way. It would

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help me. So when I come home and I say I'm stressed about work, I don't want you to tell me that work

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isn't cool. I want you to just listen or I want you to help me solve it. But tell them what you want.

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And then they can behave in the way of pointing to that. And so in a lot of ways, you can make that

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person neutral in a sportive because maybe and very likely they do want to support you. But they

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just don't know how. And so if you haven't communicated that, then you absolutely like, you don't

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need to do any of this stuff that I talked about. If you haven't even done 101, right, which tell them.

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But if you have told them and it's not of interest to them, then I think you have to look at other

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options. If you want, you can obviously just be dissatisfied and just be in an empty relationship

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with our short life. So that's obviously something too. And you can just not achieve your goals.

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So always, always a path and a path that many people often take. Your dreams, your dedication,

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your dreams, and your dedication to yourself. I think that learning and becoming the best person

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ourselves, at least for me, is kind of the purpose. If that is at least part of your life's purpose,

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then I think having somebody who supports that goal rather than someone who is neutral or

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detractive is probably a good thing.