WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.000 My prayers were all like grunts. 2 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:05.000 Oh God, he heard those prayers. 3 00:00:05.000 --> 00:00:08.000 God doesn't mind getting in the mud and the quackmire. 4 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:12.000 God does not, he's not intimidated of messy situations. 5 00:00:12.000 --> 00:00:16.000 In fact, I think he would rather have someone who's getting beat up 6 00:00:16.000 --> 00:00:19.000 messily say, Lord, I need you, 7 00:00:19.000 --> 00:00:23.000 than somebody in a polished way in Shakespearean English 8 00:00:23.000 --> 00:00:26.000 voting scripture. God is looking at your heart. 9 00:00:26.000 --> 00:00:28.000 Welcome to the City Light Church podcast. 10 00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:32.000 Thanks for joining us today as we look into God's word 11 00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:35.000 and discover the hope and truth that he has for us. 12 00:00:35.000 --> 00:00:38.000 If you want to connect with City Light Church, 13 00:00:38.000 --> 00:00:41.000 feel free to visit us at citylightnyc.com 14 00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:44.000 that citylightnyc.com. 15 00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:49.000 Pastor Boyan Jansik and his team believe that the power of the Holy Spirit 16 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:52.000 is already working in our hearts and minds. 17 00:00:52.000 --> 00:00:54.000 As you listen to today's teaching, 18 00:00:54.000 --> 00:00:57.000 remember that you are deeply loved by God, 19 00:00:57.000 --> 00:00:59.000 that you are surrounded by His grace, 20 00:00:59.000 --> 00:01:03.000 and that He has a real hope and a future for you. 21 00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:09.000 So good to be with you this morning. 22 00:01:09.000 --> 00:01:13.000 And again, welcome to those joining us online. 23 00:01:13.000 --> 00:01:16.000 We have been in a wonderful season here at City Light Church. 24 00:01:16.000 --> 00:01:19.000 It's like the Lord turned down the rocket boosters 25 00:01:19.000 --> 00:01:22.000 some time in late 2024. 26 00:01:22.000 --> 00:01:25.000 And the church has just had a palpable energy. 27 00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:27.000 There's hunger in the place. 28 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:32.000 By the way, you have to recognize that, appreciate that, 29 00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:36.000 and then weakly participate in that for it to keep going somewhere. 30 00:01:36.000 --> 00:01:38.000 We can't now get laid back and go, all right, 31 00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:40.000 Lord, I wonder what you're going to do next. 32 00:01:40.000 --> 00:01:42.000 We participate with Him. Amen. 33 00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:46.000 We're co-laborers with Him. 34 00:01:47.000 --> 00:01:48.000 You hear that? We're co. 35 00:01:48.000 --> 00:01:49.000 That's what the scripture says. 36 00:01:49.000 --> 00:01:51.000 Co-laborers with Him. 37 00:01:51.000 --> 00:01:53.000 He's not a father who tells His Son, 38 00:01:53.000 --> 00:01:56.000 go out there and go mo my lawn. 39 00:01:56.000 --> 00:01:58.000 No, He says, time to mo the lawn, son. 40 00:01:58.000 --> 00:02:00.000 Come and help me. I'll mo it with you. 41 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:02.000 And He's saying to us right now, 42 00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:04.000 children, it's time to have revival. 43 00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:06.000 It's time to go to the next level. 44 00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:08.000 It's time for an outpouring of the Holy Spirit. 45 00:02:08.000 --> 00:02:10.000 I want you to participate. 46 00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:12.000 Co-revival with Me. 47 00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:15.000 So every time we show up, we show up hungry. 48 00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:21.000 Lord is moved by our hunger, our faith. 49 00:02:23.000 --> 00:02:26.000 So it's our job to be watchers and keepers of the flame 50 00:02:26.000 --> 00:02:28.000 and keep the temperature high. 51 00:02:28.000 --> 00:02:30.000 Hallelujah. That's why I mess with some people. 52 00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:32.000 You know, if you're sitting there like an ice cube, 53 00:02:32.000 --> 00:02:33.000 I got to mess with you a little bit. 54 00:02:33.000 --> 00:02:35.000 I got to provoke you. 55 00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:37.000 Because ice cube is on its spreads. 56 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:38.000 It's ugly. 57 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:40.000 Next thing you know, it's not just one person 58 00:02:40.000 --> 00:02:41.000 or the whole row is chilly. 59 00:02:41.000 --> 00:02:43.000 And we can't have that. 60 00:02:46.000 --> 00:02:47.000 Hallelujah. 61 00:02:49.000 --> 00:02:51.000 So we've been in a wonderful season. 62 00:02:51.000 --> 00:02:55.000 And personally, my wife and I have been in a phenomenal season 63 00:02:55.000 --> 00:03:00.000 of personal growth and our family growing 64 00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:02.000 and us being prospered and blessed. 65 00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:04.000 And it's really, it's kind of like, 66 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:06.000 Lord, you got to pinch me because I think I'm dreaming. 67 00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:11.000 And I feel to just share some of the more challenging aspects 68 00:03:11.000 --> 00:03:14.000 of my life that I've had over the years 69 00:03:14.000 --> 00:03:16.000 to encourage some of you because some of you are new. 70 00:03:16.000 --> 00:03:19.000 You've come in the last six months. 71 00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:23.000 And maybe this is the only version of my wife and I that you know. 72 00:03:23.000 --> 00:03:25.000 Smiling real big. 73 00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:26.000 Everything is awesome. 74 00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:28.000 Top of the world, ma. 75 00:03:28.000 --> 00:03:32.000 And I want to share with you that it's not always been that way. 76 00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:35.000 And we've had a lot of new people come. 77 00:03:35.000 --> 00:03:36.000 A lot. 78 00:03:36.000 --> 00:03:39.000 It's just 43 people just got baptized. 79 00:03:39.000 --> 00:03:40.000 Yeah. 80 00:03:41.000 --> 00:03:44.000 And the kind of people the Lord is bringing us. 81 00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:47.000 People who don't have a Christian background. 82 00:03:47.000 --> 00:03:49.000 And I've always prayed to the Lord 83 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:51.000 because I didn't have a Christian background. 84 00:03:51.000 --> 00:03:54.000 And he plucked me out of whatever I was into, 85 00:03:54.000 --> 00:03:55.000 a whole mess of things. 86 00:03:55.000 --> 00:03:56.000 He plucked me out. 87 00:03:56.000 --> 00:03:58.000 I wasn't even looking to be plucked out. 88 00:03:58.000 --> 00:03:59.000 But he did it. 89 00:03:59.000 --> 00:04:00.000 He apprehended me. 90 00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:02.000 That's what the Apostle Paul said. 91 00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:03.000 I was apprehended. 92 00:04:03.000 --> 00:04:05.000 I was arrested by God. 93 00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:08.000 So we've had people who were Buddhist, 94 00:04:09.000 --> 00:04:11.000 Hinduists, atheists, 95 00:04:11.000 --> 00:04:12.000 agnostics. 96 00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:13.000 And in the first service, 97 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:15.000 when I began sharing my testimony, 98 00:04:15.000 --> 00:04:16.000 I said, how many of you, 99 00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:17.000 this is the first time you're hearing this, 100 00:04:17.000 --> 00:04:19.000 and over half of the hands went up. 101 00:04:19.000 --> 00:04:23.000 And I knew I was right on track. 102 00:04:23.000 --> 00:04:24.000 Some of you need to hear this. 103 00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:25.000 You're like, what's this? 104 00:04:25.000 --> 00:04:26.000 I'm about to get to that. 105 00:04:26.000 --> 00:04:27.000 I'm just saying, I'm explaining to you. 106 00:04:27.000 --> 00:04:29.000 Because some of you have heard it. 107 00:04:29.000 --> 00:04:30.000 And trust me, 108 00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:32.000 it doesn't mean no joy to share some of these things. 109 00:04:32.000 --> 00:04:34.000 It's not like they have an effect on me now. 110 00:04:34.000 --> 00:04:35.000 I'm past them. 111 00:04:35.000 --> 00:04:36.000 And I'm healed from them. 112 00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:38.000 But, you know, every time it feels like 113 00:04:38.000 --> 00:04:41.000 I'm just kind of undressing in front of everybody. 114 00:04:41.000 --> 00:04:42.000 I read a Zee Kill, 115 00:04:42.000 --> 00:04:44.000 how he had to walk around with Israel, 116 00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:45.000 with his, you know, the Bible says, 117 00:04:45.000 --> 00:04:48.000 his Zee Kill walked around with his whole backside showing. 118 00:04:48.000 --> 00:04:50.000 I thought, man, 119 00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:51.000 Lord, it wasn't one enough. 120 00:04:51.000 --> 00:04:53.000 Do you have to do that to me, too? 121 00:04:53.000 --> 00:04:55.000 Sometimes I feel. 122 00:04:55.000 --> 00:04:57.000 You know, the hospital gowns, 123 00:04:57.000 --> 00:05:02.000 they just got to make sure it's tied real well in the back. 124 00:05:02.000 --> 00:05:12.000 So, right, a few months before Victor was born, 125 00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:17.000 I started developing terrible back problems and back aches, 126 00:05:17.000 --> 00:05:18.000 back pains. 127 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:20.000 It had been going on for several years. 128 00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:23.000 I was diagnosed with four herniated discs. 129 00:05:23.000 --> 00:05:28.000 And it really started to flare up right around the spring time of 2014. 130 00:05:28.000 --> 00:05:31.000 I had about with it before several years before. 131 00:05:31.000 --> 00:05:38.000 And I went to the chiropractor, 132 00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:40.000 and he couldn't help me. 133 00:05:40.000 --> 00:05:42.000 He was a great chiropractor before him. 134 00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:47.000 I tried at least a dozen and a half other chiropractors. 135 00:05:47.000 --> 00:05:49.000 And none of them could help me. 136 00:05:49.000 --> 00:05:50.000 And he said, look, 137 00:05:50.000 --> 00:05:54.000 you're going to have to go to a pain management specialist. 138 00:05:54.000 --> 00:05:56.000 So, I go to a pain management specialist. 139 00:05:56.000 --> 00:06:01.000 I walk into his fancy office in Midtown Manhattan. 140 00:06:01.000 --> 00:06:03.000 And he does some tests on me. 141 00:06:03.000 --> 00:06:06.000 And by tests, you know, that sounds so sophisticated, right? 142 00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:07.000 He does some tests on me. 143 00:06:07.000 --> 00:06:09.000 You know, he's like, put your right hand over your head, 144 00:06:09.000 --> 00:06:11.000 try to lean over with your hip, 145 00:06:11.000 --> 00:06:13.000 now try to touch your toes when you feel the pain. 146 00:06:13.000 --> 00:06:16.000 And it was like 60 seconds worth of tests. 147 00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:18.000 And then he just wrote out a prescription. 148 00:06:18.000 --> 00:06:19.000 He didn't even look up at me. 149 00:06:19.000 --> 00:06:20.000 He just went, here you go. 150 00:06:20.000 --> 00:06:22.000 And I took the prescription. 151 00:06:22.000 --> 00:06:25.000 And that was before 2020, obviously. 152 00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:27.000 So I didn't have any suspicions of anybody 153 00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:30.000 who was wearing a white mantle, you know. 154 00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:32.000 Post 2020 a little bit. 155 00:06:32.000 --> 00:06:33.000 If you don't know what I'm talking about, 156 00:06:33.000 --> 00:06:37.000 I don't know where you've been for the last five years. 157 00:06:37.000 --> 00:06:40.000 We have medical professionals and doctors at CityLight. 158 00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:43.000 And they agree with me the most when I say things like this. 159 00:06:43.000 --> 00:06:45.000 Meanwhile, everyday people are like, huh. 160 00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:47.000 Are you bucking against the system? 161 00:06:47.000 --> 00:06:48.000 Yes, I am. 162 00:06:48.000 --> 00:06:54.000 And my first red flag was raised during this interaction. 163 00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:59.000 I had no idea what kind of medicine I was getting. 164 00:06:59.000 --> 00:07:01.000 This may sound naive, maybe it was. 165 00:07:01.000 --> 00:07:04.000 I was already pastoring for many, many years when this happened. 166 00:07:04.000 --> 00:07:05.000 I was in my 30s. 167 00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:07.000 But I didn't know. 168 00:07:07.000 --> 00:07:09.000 It said percuss set on it. 169 00:07:09.000 --> 00:07:14.000 And it was a big bottle with a refill. 170 00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:19.000 And my prescription was 10 milligrams three times a day. 171 00:07:19.000 --> 00:07:23.000 I don't know what I was taking. 172 00:07:23.000 --> 00:07:25.000 He said, how would you not know? 173 00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:28.000 I didn't even watch the news before. 174 00:07:28.000 --> 00:07:30.000 I mean, really. 175 00:07:30.000 --> 00:07:35.000 It was just the Bible and the Lord and the people of the church. 176 00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:38.000 So I had heard maybe like, you know, there's an oxycodon. 177 00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:40.000 And so I knew like, oxycodon was bad. 178 00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:41.000 But this wasn't an oxycodon. 179 00:07:41.000 --> 00:07:43.000 This said percuss set. 180 00:07:43.000 --> 00:07:45.000 Later I learned it's like the same thing. 181 00:07:45.000 --> 00:07:46.000 One is like the Brent. 182 00:07:47.000 --> 00:07:48.000 So I started taking it. 183 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:53.000 I noticed immediately, whoa, this stuff is awesome. 184 00:07:53.000 --> 00:07:56.000 Not only does my back pain go away. 185 00:07:56.000 --> 00:08:00.000 But everything is what like my cares go away too, 186 00:08:00.000 --> 00:08:03.000 along with my back pain. 187 00:08:03.000 --> 00:08:08.000 I mean, the thought of consequences doesn't exist when I'm on them. 188 00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:12.000 I noticed that whatever I watch really comes to life. 189 00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:14.000 In fact, like day three or day four, 190 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:16.000 how many of you remember our elder Sean Martin? 191 00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:18.000 He's moved on to Eastern Long Island now. 192 00:08:18.000 --> 00:08:19.000 Yeah. 193 00:08:19.000 --> 00:08:21.000 Him and I went to a movie in downtown Brooklyn. 194 00:08:21.000 --> 00:08:25.000 And in the middle of the movie, I had taken a percuss set 195 00:08:25.000 --> 00:08:27.000 right before the movie. 196 00:08:27.000 --> 00:08:29.000 And if you're watching this online and recording me, 197 00:08:29.000 --> 00:08:32.000 I'm going to take this out of context. 198 00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:37.000 I really don't care. 199 00:08:37.000 --> 00:08:42.000 Right before the movie, I'm like, oh, you know, 200 00:08:42.000 --> 00:08:45.000 those theater seats, they really cause a lot of back pain. 201 00:08:45.000 --> 00:08:47.000 I'm going to pop one right before the movie. 202 00:08:47.000 --> 00:08:49.000 And in the middle of the movie, I'm not kidding. 203 00:08:49.000 --> 00:08:52.000 The characters start coming off the screen. 204 00:08:52.000 --> 00:08:54.000 I turned to Sean Martin. 205 00:08:54.000 --> 00:08:58.000 I said, never forget, I got real close to his face. 206 00:08:58.000 --> 00:09:00.000 Everything is warped when this stuff kicks in. 207 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:02.000 You know, it's in the heroin family, right? 208 00:09:02.000 --> 00:09:04.000 It's in the opioid family. 209 00:09:04.000 --> 00:09:05.000 Except it's okay. 210 00:09:05.000 --> 00:09:07.000 Because the nice man with many degrees 211 00:09:07.000 --> 00:09:09.000 and the white mantle gave it to you. 212 00:09:09.000 --> 00:09:11.000 Didn't tell me anything about it. 213 00:09:11.000 --> 00:09:13.000 Didn't tell me the hazards, the risks, nothing. 214 00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:15.000 Didn't look up at me when he gave me the script. 215 00:09:15.000 --> 00:09:16.000 I looked at Sean. 216 00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:20.000 I said, I have to leave here right now. 217 00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:23.000 He very seriously must have thought it was a pastoral emergency. 218 00:09:23.000 --> 00:09:24.000 He went, okay. 219 00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:27.000 I just booked right out. 220 00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:32.000 And after realizing that I was feeling way too good to be normal, 221 00:09:32.000 --> 00:09:35.000 I looked into a little bit and realized, okay, I'm taking an opioid. 222 00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:37.000 And it's in the heroin family. 223 00:09:37.000 --> 00:09:39.000 Well, I still got these backpakes. 224 00:09:39.000 --> 00:09:42.000 So that continued for another couple of months. 225 00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:45.000 And then I thought to myself, well, I'm not a drug addict. 226 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:47.000 I've never had a problem with drugs. 227 00:09:47.000 --> 00:09:49.000 And I'm going to quit this. 228 00:09:49.000 --> 00:09:52.000 I shared in the first service how my first time ever, 229 00:09:52.000 --> 00:09:56.000 ever with any kind of drugs, was when I was 16 years old, 230 00:09:56.000 --> 00:09:58.000 two months before I got saved. 231 00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:00.000 I was working in Pioneer Supermarket right on Queens Boulevard. 232 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:03.000 It doesn't exist anymore, but had for many decades. 233 00:10:03.000 --> 00:10:04.000 Right in four stills. 234 00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:07.000 And after work, a bunch of the people said, hey, 235 00:10:07.000 --> 00:10:10.000 we're going on a flushing metal park right by the lake. 236 00:10:10.000 --> 00:10:11.000 We're going to start a fire. 237 00:10:11.000 --> 00:10:12.000 Can you even do that anymore? 238 00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:13.000 But these to start a fire. 239 00:10:13.000 --> 00:10:14.000 That the whole lake. 240 00:10:14.000 --> 00:10:16.000 From karate kid, like the guitar and the fire, 241 00:10:16.000 --> 00:10:18.000 except it wasn't a California beach. 242 00:10:18.000 --> 00:10:22.000 It was right by the lake and flushing metal park. 243 00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:24.000 And then somebody said, we should get a nickel bag. 244 00:10:24.000 --> 00:10:25.000 A dime bag. 245 00:10:25.000 --> 00:10:28.000 They said we should, but nobody could come up with ten bucks 246 00:10:28.000 --> 00:10:30.000 or they got a nickel bag. 247 00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:32.000 And I didn't know what any of those terms were. 248 00:10:32.000 --> 00:10:33.000 I was 16 years old. 249 00:10:33.000 --> 00:10:36.000 And they came back with the devil's lettuce. 250 00:10:36.000 --> 00:10:40.000 I tried it once. 251 00:10:40.000 --> 00:10:42.000 Yes, I did, but I didn't inhale. 252 00:10:42.000 --> 00:10:44.000 No, I didn't inhale very deeply. 253 00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:48.000 And then was so scared that I ran back home. 254 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:50.000 I knew my parents were coming and I ran back home. 255 00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:51.000 And I didn't know this. 256 00:10:51.000 --> 00:10:56.000 But the faster and harder I ran, the higher I got. 257 00:10:56.000 --> 00:10:59.000 Anyway, and so that was my last time with the devil's lettuce. 258 00:10:59.000 --> 00:11:03.000 Let me get back to my point. 259 00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:05.000 I didn't have a background of this. 260 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:07.000 I didn't have a history of this. 261 00:11:07.000 --> 00:11:10.000 So I'm now taking this medicine and I say to myself, 262 00:11:10.000 --> 00:11:11.000 okay, I'm going to quit. 263 00:11:11.000 --> 00:11:13.000 And with God, all things are possible. 264 00:11:13.000 --> 00:11:15.000 I'm not going to be held by nature this thing. 265 00:11:15.000 --> 00:11:17.000 I'm just going to stop. 266 00:11:17.000 --> 00:11:18.000 And I did. 267 00:11:18.000 --> 00:11:19.000 I just stopped. 268 00:11:19.000 --> 00:11:21.000 Cold turkey. 269 00:11:21.000 --> 00:11:25.000 I didn't know you weren't supposed to stop that way. 270 00:11:25.000 --> 00:11:28.000 You're supposed to ween off. 271 00:11:28.000 --> 00:11:30.000 The doctor never told me. 272 00:11:30.000 --> 00:11:31.000 Can you believe that? 273 00:11:31.000 --> 00:11:32.000 Never told me. 274 00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:34.000 His office was in Columbus Circle. 275 00:11:34.000 --> 00:11:37.000 Not that that matters, but you would think. 276 00:11:37.000 --> 00:11:38.000 I don't know. 277 00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:41.000 To me, it adds a little more professionalism into the air. 278 00:11:41.000 --> 00:11:42.000 You're right in Columbus Circle. 279 00:11:42.000 --> 00:11:44.000 You're overlooking the park. 280 00:11:44.000 --> 00:11:46.000 You look so smart. 281 00:11:46.000 --> 00:11:48.000 Why don't you tell me? 282 00:11:48.000 --> 00:11:49.000 These aren't tick-tax. 283 00:11:49.000 --> 00:11:50.000 You've given me. 284 00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:52.000 This is stuff that can ruin my life. 285 00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:54.000 And so I stopped taking them cold turkey. 286 00:11:54.000 --> 00:11:57.000 And a few weeks later, I noticed my mood starts changing. 287 00:11:57.000 --> 00:12:00.000 It starts shifting. 288 00:12:00.000 --> 00:12:04.000 And I had never ever really had any kind of depressive episode before. 289 00:12:04.000 --> 00:12:08.000 In fact, I didn't, as a pastor, know what depression was. 290 00:12:08.000 --> 00:12:12.000 Most people who've never experienced real depression or anxiety 291 00:12:12.000 --> 00:12:14.000 don't know what it is. 292 00:12:14.000 --> 00:12:16.000 So for over a decade, pastoring, when someone said, 293 00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:18.000 pastor, I'm dealing with depression, 294 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:22.000 I would think, well, you've got a bad case of the Mondays. 295 00:12:22.000 --> 00:12:23.000 You're down. 296 00:12:23.000 --> 00:12:25.000 You're sad. 297 00:12:25.000 --> 00:12:26.000 It's all right. 298 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:27.000 You'll snap out of it. 299 00:12:27.000 --> 00:12:28.000 God's with you. 300 00:12:28.000 --> 00:12:30.000 Be warm and be filled. 301 00:12:36.000 --> 00:12:38.000 And I realized depression. 302 00:12:38.000 --> 00:12:39.000 It's not. 303 00:12:39.000 --> 00:12:42.000 It's something that makes you feel sad. 304 00:12:42.000 --> 00:12:44.000 It's not something that makes you feel glad. 305 00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:48.000 It's something that just makes you not feel at all. 306 00:12:48.000 --> 00:12:52.000 And I used to have an attitude towards people who did say 307 00:12:52.000 --> 00:12:53.000 they were battling depression. 308 00:12:53.000 --> 00:12:55.000 Look, that word is thrown around often. 309 00:12:55.000 --> 00:12:56.000 Sometimes people are just sad. 310 00:12:56.000 --> 00:12:58.000 You know, because you can't be depressed on Monday, 311 00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:01.000 then find on Wednesday, then depressed again on Friday, 312 00:13:01.000 --> 00:13:03.000 then find by Sunday. 313 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:04.000 You can't. 314 00:13:04.000 --> 00:13:05.000 You just were sad. 315 00:13:05.000 --> 00:13:12.000 You had a couple of day period where you were down in the dumps. 316 00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:15.000 I never had real depression. 317 00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:18.000 I had a couple of bad days, maybe a week, 318 00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:21.000 but then I snapped right out of it. 319 00:13:21.000 --> 00:13:25.000 But this was like I was falling down a bottomless hole 320 00:13:25.000 --> 00:13:28.000 and each day was worse than the previous day. 321 00:13:28.000 --> 00:13:30.000 I think it can't get any worse than this, 322 00:13:30.000 --> 00:13:32.000 but then it would get even worse. 323 00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:36.000 Well, surely this is the bottom, but then it would get even worse. 324 00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:39.000 I don't even remember that back to the future movie. 325 00:13:39.000 --> 00:13:43.000 You know when he's looking at the photo and his image is disappearing? 326 00:13:43.000 --> 00:13:45.000 That's how I felt. 327 00:13:45.000 --> 00:13:48.000 And depression, you don't feel anything. 328 00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:50.000 Good, bad, nothing. 329 00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:53.000 You just feel like you're stopping to exist. 330 00:13:53.000 --> 00:13:56.000 It's like your thoughts and emotions just have an echo. 331 00:13:56.000 --> 00:13:58.000 Nobody can understand you. 332 00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:03.000 And I just keep descending and descending and descending. 333 00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:07.000 And now I am also very, very anxious 334 00:14:07.000 --> 00:14:10.000 because depression and anxiety go together. 335 00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:12.000 So I can barely put together a sermon. 336 00:14:12.000 --> 00:14:14.000 Eventually I stopped preaching altogether. 337 00:14:14.000 --> 00:14:16.000 Thank God for Pastor Moe. 338 00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:18.000 And wait, were you there then? 339 00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:20.000 You were there in 25th. 340 00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:21.000 Yes, you were. 341 00:14:21.000 --> 00:14:22.000 That's right. 342 00:14:22.000 --> 00:14:24.000 You were and Pastor Mike at the time. 343 00:14:24.000 --> 00:14:26.000 And they lifted up my hands and they preached. 344 00:14:26.000 --> 00:14:28.000 But I was done. 345 00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:30.000 I was cooked. 346 00:14:30.000 --> 00:14:31.000 I was finished. 347 00:14:31.000 --> 00:14:33.000 And I knew so little about it. 348 00:14:33.000 --> 00:14:36.000 I started to wonder what's going to happen to me. 349 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:40.000 What's going to happen to my wife of just a few years? 350 00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:45.000 And my newborn son started getting thoughts of me being homeless 351 00:14:45.000 --> 00:14:49.000 because I was incapable of doing anything. 352 00:14:49.000 --> 00:14:53.000 I'm telling you, I was laying horizontally either at night 353 00:14:53.000 --> 00:14:56.000 in my bed or on the couch just zoned out. 354 00:14:56.000 --> 00:14:59.000 But I couldn't even watch anything because even a commercial 355 00:14:59.000 --> 00:15:02.000 if it had any kind of energy to it, it would stress me out. 356 00:15:03.000 --> 00:15:06.000 It would produce anxiety in me. 357 00:15:06.000 --> 00:15:09.000 So I started seeing a psychiatrist. 358 00:15:09.000 --> 00:15:11.000 I needed help. 359 00:15:11.000 --> 00:15:14.000 So the psychiatrist put me on one medication. 360 00:15:14.000 --> 00:15:16.000 That one medication had a side effect. 361 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:18.000 I forget what it was. 362 00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:20.000 Something like I couldn't sleep. 363 00:15:20.000 --> 00:15:23.000 So then he gave me another medication that would put me to sleep. 364 00:15:23.000 --> 00:15:26.000 But that medication came with a side effect. 365 00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:29.000 So he put me on another medication to combat that side effect. 366 00:15:29.000 --> 00:15:31.000 But the medication that come by the side effect 367 00:15:31.000 --> 00:15:33.000 came with three additional side effects. 368 00:15:33.000 --> 00:15:35.000 And before I knew it had been about a month's time 369 00:15:35.000 --> 00:15:37.000 I was on five separate medications. 370 00:15:37.000 --> 00:15:39.000 I'm not getting better. 371 00:15:39.000 --> 00:15:42.000 I'm getting worse. 372 00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:46.000 My prayer life is really, really hindered by this. 373 00:15:46.000 --> 00:15:50.000 Because the loneliness you feel when you're going through it. 374 00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:53.000 And other people in the ministry were of zero help. 375 00:15:53.000 --> 00:15:56.000 My close friends who were in ministry were of a help. 376 00:15:56.000 --> 00:15:58.000 Not that they could tell me anything, but at least they came by. 377 00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:00.000 And they were just with me. 378 00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:01.000 I have this. 379 00:16:01.000 --> 00:16:04.000 Remember when Marie and Pastor Ernst came back to my house? 380 00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:05.000 I was asleep like that. 381 00:16:05.000 --> 00:16:07.000 I just have this memory still of me slowly. 382 00:16:07.000 --> 00:16:08.000 It was like a movie. 383 00:16:08.000 --> 00:16:11.000 You know when you're slowly opening your eyes and it just is from dark. 384 00:16:11.000 --> 00:16:13.000 And I just saw them at my feet. 385 00:16:13.000 --> 00:16:14.000 I'm not in the couch. 386 00:16:14.000 --> 00:16:17.000 Just saying at my feet just with their arms stretched, praying. 387 00:16:17.000 --> 00:16:19.000 But I couldn't see that they were praying for me. 388 00:16:19.000 --> 00:16:21.000 I more so the concern in their eyes. 389 00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:23.000 And when I saw the concern in their eyes, I got even more afraid. 390 00:16:23.000 --> 00:16:25.000 Like, oh, you look really serious. 391 00:16:25.000 --> 00:16:26.000 Do I look that bad? 392 00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:41.000 So by late fall of 2014, I'm spiraling. 393 00:16:41.000 --> 00:16:45.000 And I started getting suicidal ideations. 394 00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:48.000 Thoughts, again, never ever had a history of this. 395 00:16:48.000 --> 00:16:50.000 Oh, by, I left this part out. 396 00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:51.000 What if you couldn't connect the dots? 397 00:16:51.000 --> 00:16:54.000 What was happening was drugs. 398 00:16:54.000 --> 00:16:57.000 Even prescription drugs. 399 00:16:57.000 --> 00:17:01.000 That make you quote unquote happier or elevate your mood. 400 00:17:01.000 --> 00:17:03.000 They're doing that in an artificial way. 401 00:17:03.000 --> 00:17:09.000 By acting as a chemical outside, external chemical stimulant or catalyst 402 00:17:09.000 --> 00:17:12.000 to cause your brain to secrete serotonin and dopamine. 403 00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:17.000 That's why when I would pop the medicine, I'd feel great. 404 00:17:17.000 --> 00:17:22.000 Well, when you do that for several months, your brain gets used to the chemical catalyst. 405 00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:28.000 And your brain can forget how to produce the happy chemicals serotonin and dopamine on their own. 406 00:17:28.000 --> 00:17:32.000 By the way, they've checked with phones and constant phone scrolling. 407 00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:34.000 Can work in a very, very similar way. 408 00:17:34.000 --> 00:17:36.000 That's why people are addicted to their phones. 409 00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:39.000 You take their phone away from them and you reveal the beast. 410 00:17:39.000 --> 00:17:41.000 Come on up back. 411 00:17:41.000 --> 00:17:44.000 I've forgotten how to be happy just alone. 412 00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:48.000 My brain doesn't work without colorful, playful pictures. 413 00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:50.000 And don't let it be too long. 414 00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:52.000 I need it in 12 second bits. 415 00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:55.000 And then after the next one to hit me. 416 00:17:59.000 --> 00:18:05.000 So that final night at the psychiatrist's office, I'm completely disgruntled. 417 00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:08.000 I'm having a difficult time relating to the Lord. 418 00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:11.000 But one thing I will tell you is I'm looking to Him. 419 00:18:11.000 --> 00:18:13.000 I want you to catch this. 420 00:18:13.000 --> 00:18:20.000 The reason why I'm preaching this, by the way, is not only because you may not know this part of my past and my history with God. 421 00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:31.000 It's because I've found that whenever you have a group of people, over 20 people, whether it's a subway car, a party, get together, you go to church, an office with 40 people, 422 00:18:31.000 --> 00:18:40.000 I would say that about a fifth of them, 20% of them are going through, excuse me, they're going through it. 423 00:18:41.000 --> 00:18:47.000 Not necessarily what I was going through, depression, anxiety, could be, but they're just going through it. 424 00:18:47.000 --> 00:18:52.000 The Bible describes as a tight place, the world says between a rock and a hard place. 425 00:18:52.000 --> 00:18:55.000 In other words, life is no fun. 426 00:18:55.000 --> 00:18:58.000 Life hurts. You dread waking up. 427 00:18:58.000 --> 00:19:01.000 It could be financial. It could be relational. 428 00:19:01.000 --> 00:19:03.000 But you're under the gun. 429 00:19:03.000 --> 00:19:05.000 You didn't wake up this morning. 430 00:19:05.000 --> 00:19:08.000 What a beautiful spring day. Oh, it's Mother's Day. 431 00:19:08.000 --> 00:19:11.000 Oh, you woke up with dread. 432 00:19:11.000 --> 00:19:18.000 This message is for you because we serve the God of the impossible and the God of deliverance. 433 00:19:18.000 --> 00:19:20.000 Do you know the word salvation? 434 00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:23.000 One of its core definitions. It's deliverance. 435 00:19:23.000 --> 00:19:28.000 It's rescue. He's the God who rescues from the pit. 436 00:19:28.000 --> 00:19:31.000 Now, here I am. I have a history with God. 437 00:19:31.000 --> 00:19:35.000 I know him. He's been good to me. I already have testimonies. 438 00:19:35.000 --> 00:19:37.000 And me. I know he's good. 439 00:19:37.000 --> 00:19:43.000 I'm sitting in a psychiatrist's office with my mommy because my wife had to take care of her newborn. 440 00:19:43.000 --> 00:19:46.000 You know, it's kind of humiliating. I'm looking at my mommy. 441 00:19:46.000 --> 00:19:49.000 She's looking terrified. She's never seen this happen to me before. 442 00:19:49.000 --> 00:19:54.000 I'm sitting across from his table and because I had mentioned suicidal ideations, 443 00:19:54.000 --> 00:19:57.000 he said it might be time to go to a mental hospital. 444 00:19:57.000 --> 00:20:00.000 So I go, great. 445 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:02.000 Whatever, anything. 446 00:20:02.000 --> 00:20:06.000 I said, when do I get to go? He said, well, you mentioned suicide. You go tonight. 447 00:20:06.000 --> 00:20:09.000 I said, okay. 448 00:20:09.000 --> 00:20:14.000 So the doctor's office was in Forest Hills. I go to Zucker Hillside Hospital 449 00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:19.000 into the mental health pavilion. That sounds so nice. Mental health pavilion. 450 00:20:19.000 --> 00:20:25.000 I'd always called it the funny farm, the loony bin, the nut house. 451 00:20:26.000 --> 00:20:30.000 That's where I went. The mental health pavilion. 452 00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:33.000 So maybe you look like you want to laugh, but you don't know if you can. 453 00:20:33.000 --> 00:20:37.000 You can. It's okay. 454 00:20:37.000 --> 00:20:43.000 I'm like, we joke about it all the time. 455 00:20:43.000 --> 00:20:48.000 I mean, like, I've always had a healthy appetite, but when you're on those medications, 456 00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:51.000 you will eat this laptop. 457 00:20:51.000 --> 00:20:54.000 You will, I put on 40 pounds during that period like that. 458 00:20:54.000 --> 00:20:57.000 And so we still joke about how, like, when she would pick me up, 459 00:20:57.000 --> 00:21:01.000 and stuff after some treatments, and I'd be like, can we go to the meatball place? 460 00:21:01.000 --> 00:21:04.000 Look at this. She's laughing. 461 00:21:04.000 --> 00:21:11.000 It's like, whatever keeps you from eating my hand and arm, we'll take you there. 462 00:21:11.000 --> 00:21:14.000 So that night I go. I get there at around 9 p.m. 463 00:21:14.000 --> 00:21:19.000 So they can't receive me yet. They can only process me the next day starting at 7 a.m. 464 00:21:19.000 --> 00:21:24.000 So I have a script from the doctor for the mental hospital, but they can't process me. 465 00:21:24.000 --> 00:21:26.000 So they have to wait overnight. 466 00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:29.000 And first thing I notice is they take away my shoe laces. 467 00:21:29.000 --> 00:21:32.000 I came in sweatpants, so they take away my waistband. 468 00:21:32.000 --> 00:21:34.000 So I can't harm myself or anybody else with it. 469 00:21:34.000 --> 00:21:38.000 And they put me alone in the padded room. 470 00:21:38.000 --> 00:21:41.000 I'm like, I just went from, like, last month. 471 00:21:41.000 --> 00:21:43.000 It was all good just a week ago. 472 00:21:43.000 --> 00:21:47.000 It was fine now. I'm in a padded room. 473 00:21:47.000 --> 00:21:50.000 And I'm waiting. I remember pacing that room. 474 00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:52.000 I remember crying out to God. 475 00:21:52.000 --> 00:21:59.000 Again, one thing I want to drive home here is that because of the severity of my situation, 476 00:21:59.000 --> 00:22:02.000 my prayers were not pretty. 477 00:22:02.000 --> 00:22:04.000 It was messy. I couldn't even pray. 478 00:22:04.000 --> 00:22:08.000 I don't know if you've ever been to such a low point where you can't pray. 479 00:22:08.000 --> 00:22:12.000 I have, I'd like to think, a strong relationship with the Lord. 480 00:22:12.000 --> 00:22:15.000 I know in whom I have believed, but I could pray. 481 00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:16.000 Not in the way I have prayed. 482 00:22:16.000 --> 00:22:18.000 My prayers were more like grunts. 483 00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:21.000 Oh, God. 484 00:22:21.000 --> 00:22:23.000 Help. 485 00:22:23.000 --> 00:22:26.000 He heard those prayers. 486 00:22:26.000 --> 00:22:30.000 God doesn't mind getting in the mud and the quagmire. 487 00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:34.000 God does not, he's not intimidated of messy situations. 488 00:22:34.000 --> 00:22:39.000 In fact, I think he would rather have someone who's getting beat up messily say, 489 00:22:39.000 --> 00:22:46.000 Lord, I need you than somebody in a polished way in Shakespearean English quoting Scripture. 490 00:22:46.000 --> 00:22:48.000 God is looking at your heart. 491 00:22:48.000 --> 00:22:50.000 And one thing, I made a lot of mistakes. 492 00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:51.000 I can't even remember. 493 00:22:51.000 --> 00:22:55.000 I just know that I went through that season like I was 10 days old in the Lord. 494 00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:58.000 Not as I would think senior pastors should go through that. 495 00:22:58.000 --> 00:23:00.000 Making mistakes left and right. 496 00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:04.000 God never looked like he resented one second of me at all. 497 00:23:04.000 --> 00:23:07.000 But I'll tell you one thing that I didn't allow to happen. 498 00:23:07.000 --> 00:23:12.000 For me to get bitter at God, that's very important. 499 00:23:12.000 --> 00:23:18.000 Because if you study out bitterness, especially bitter waters in the Bible, 500 00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:25.000 there's a theme of bitterness and bitter waters and Satan coming and giving 501 00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:31.000 or afflicting Christians to the point where they have a crisis of faith. 502 00:23:31.000 --> 00:23:37.000 They allow their circumstances to mess with their theology. 503 00:23:37.000 --> 00:23:42.000 They allow their circumstances to mess with their belief about God and his nature and his character 504 00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:45.000 and they doubt the goodness of God, you can't let that happen. 505 00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:49.000 Some of you you've met someone who used to be on fire for God and now they're just bitter. 506 00:23:49.000 --> 00:23:51.000 Listen, feel a whole lot of emotions. 507 00:23:51.000 --> 00:23:53.000 Pound the wall if you have to. 508 00:23:53.000 --> 00:23:54.000 Scream if you have to. 509 00:23:54.000 --> 00:23:56.000 But don't let your heart get bitter at God. 510 00:23:56.000 --> 00:23:59.000 I'm telling you, he's not the one behind it. 511 00:23:59.000 --> 00:24:04.000 And Satan's end game when you're going through it is to get you bitter at God. 512 00:24:04.000 --> 00:24:08.000 Because that is the one thing that'll lock you up. 513 00:24:08.000 --> 00:24:12.000 You can't get bitter at him. 514 00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:15.000 So I get processed. 515 00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:17.000 I'm in the hospital. 516 00:24:17.000 --> 00:24:19.000 They start interviewing me. 517 00:24:19.000 --> 00:24:22.000 The first thing they tell me is you're on five separate medications. 518 00:24:22.000 --> 00:24:24.000 You are severely over-medicated. 519 00:24:24.000 --> 00:24:25.000 Who did this to you? 520 00:24:25.000 --> 00:24:28.000 I said, my psychiatrist, obviously. 521 00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:30.000 The guy who also did this to me and sent me here. 522 00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:31.000 He said, no, no, no. 523 00:24:31.000 --> 00:24:33.000 We got to wean you off of all of this. 524 00:24:33.000 --> 00:24:36.000 And also, have you considered ECT treatments? 525 00:24:36.000 --> 00:24:37.000 I said, what? 526 00:24:37.000 --> 00:24:39.000 What are those? 527 00:24:39.000 --> 00:24:42.000 And her answer was electoral convulsive therapy. 528 00:24:42.000 --> 00:24:43.000 I said, nice. 529 00:24:43.000 --> 00:24:45.000 What is that? 530 00:24:45.000 --> 00:24:50.000 And she said, well, probably the vernacular term, have you heard of electro-shock therapy? 531 00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:54.000 And I said, like, in one who flew over the coupos nest? 532 00:24:54.000 --> 00:24:55.000 And she laughed. 533 00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:57.000 She said, that's what everybody says. 534 00:24:57.000 --> 00:24:58.000 Great. 535 00:24:58.000 --> 00:24:59.000 All of us. 536 00:24:59.000 --> 00:25:00.000 So why would I need that? 537 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.000 She said, sir, you're in the near-catatonic state. 538 00:25:02.000 --> 00:25:06.000 And we have officially diagnosed you with major depressive disorder. 539 00:25:06.000 --> 00:25:08.000 There are parts of your brain that have fallen asleep. 540 00:25:08.000 --> 00:25:11.000 They're not secreting the right chemicals that need to secrete. 541 00:25:11.000 --> 00:25:13.000 I'm obviously paraphrasing right now. 542 00:25:13.000 --> 00:25:17.000 And we want to pass an electro-curret through them in an effort to awaken your brain. 543 00:25:17.000 --> 00:25:23.000 She said, there will be some side effects, like short-term memory loss. 544 00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:25.000 But it'll all come back to you. 545 00:25:25.000 --> 00:25:26.000 Some stuff to this day. 546 00:25:26.000 --> 00:25:28.000 It hasn't come back to me. 547 00:25:28.000 --> 00:25:29.000 And someone joked. 548 00:25:29.000 --> 00:25:31.000 They have a friend who underwent it. 549 00:25:31.000 --> 00:25:36.000 And the friend said that the good thing about ECTs is you can watch the same movie over and over again. 550 00:25:36.000 --> 00:25:37.000 I laughed so hard. 551 00:25:37.000 --> 00:25:40.000 Because Emily would, I would be like, afterwards. 552 00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:41.000 After, let me just jump there. 553 00:25:41.000 --> 00:25:43.000 I'm like, Emily, you got to see this. 554 00:25:43.000 --> 00:25:45.000 She's like, babe, you've watched that movie twice. 555 00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:48.000 I'm like, no way! 556 00:25:48.000 --> 00:25:52.000 So anyway, I get the ECT treatments. 557 00:25:52.000 --> 00:25:54.000 About a half a dozen of them in the hospital. 558 00:25:54.000 --> 00:25:55.000 I'm discharged. 559 00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:58.000 And then I do outpatient for the next several weeks. 560 00:25:58.000 --> 00:26:01.000 And I do another half a dozen of them. 561 00:26:01.000 --> 00:26:03.000 I feel messed up. 562 00:26:03.000 --> 00:26:06.000 And let me just tell you how I feel as a man and as a husband. 563 00:26:06.000 --> 00:26:08.000 I feel less than a zero. 564 00:26:08.000 --> 00:26:11.000 Myself esteem is lower than a door man. 565 00:26:11.000 --> 00:26:13.000 Satan is riding this. 566 00:26:13.000 --> 00:26:16.000 By the way, minister friends, preacher friends. 567 00:26:16.000 --> 00:26:19.000 Not the close ones, but the ones who would hear it. 568 00:26:19.000 --> 00:26:25.000 They would all come, either call me up or come and try to cast demons out of me. 569 00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:29.000 It wasn't a demon. 570 00:26:29.000 --> 00:26:32.000 Many times it's not a demon. 571 00:26:32.000 --> 00:26:34.000 Is the devil involved? 572 00:26:34.000 --> 00:26:35.000 Yes. 573 00:26:35.000 --> 00:26:37.000 And when he sees you suffering in any particular way, 574 00:26:37.000 --> 00:26:41.000 it's like, if you get cut and you have a wound, that's not a demon. 575 00:26:41.000 --> 00:26:44.000 You got cut in the forest. 576 00:26:44.000 --> 00:26:45.000 You snagged a thorn bush. 577 00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:46.000 You got cut. 578 00:26:46.000 --> 00:26:49.000 The devil will spiritually press in on it. 579 00:26:49.000 --> 00:26:50.000 And lean on that. 580 00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:53.000 And it's usually in the area of your mind. 581 00:26:53.000 --> 00:26:55.000 But he's not the source of it. 582 00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:57.000 So I just find it funny that preachers, 583 00:26:57.000 --> 00:27:00.000 they tend to always think it's something spiritual, demonic. 584 00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:02.000 And it doesn't necessarily have to be, 585 00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:06.000 look, we can walk and chew gum at the same time as charismatic Holy Spirit-filled Christians. 586 00:27:06.000 --> 00:27:07.000 Amen. 587 00:27:07.000 --> 00:27:09.000 We can believe there is a spiritual realm. 588 00:27:09.000 --> 00:27:13.000 And that, yes, demons are real and they hate you and they want to flick you. 589 00:27:13.000 --> 00:27:18.000 Also, we can use wisdom and logic and know that we live in a natural world 590 00:27:18.000 --> 00:27:22.000 and that certain actions will have consequences like with me. 591 00:27:22.000 --> 00:27:27.000 Taking percuss that and not weaning off very bad for you. 592 00:27:27.000 --> 00:27:31.000 Amen. 593 00:27:31.000 --> 00:27:33.000 So I get back. 594 00:27:33.000 --> 00:27:37.000 And my memory is completely, it feels completely wiped. 595 00:27:37.000 --> 00:27:40.000 We had an East Village Service every Friday night. 596 00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:43.000 My first time going to the East Village Service that Friday night, 597 00:27:43.000 --> 00:27:46.000 which I had done thousands of times before. 598 00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:49.000 I didn't know how to drive from Williamsburg right over the Williamsburg Bridge. 599 00:27:49.000 --> 00:27:51.000 Boom, you land in the East Village. 600 00:27:51.000 --> 00:27:52.000 I didn't know how to get there. 601 00:27:52.000 --> 00:27:53.000 I could not remember it. 602 00:27:53.000 --> 00:27:55.000 I had to put it in Google Maps. 603 00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:59.000 I remember that first day back home in the shower, mesmerized. 604 00:27:59.000 --> 00:28:06.000 You have the corner shower caddy with your potions and lotions and shampoos and things. 605 00:28:06.000 --> 00:28:10.000 I'm looking at it and mesmerized, what are all these things? 606 00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:12.000 I forgot how to shower. 607 00:28:12.000 --> 00:28:13.000 I'm reading. 608 00:28:13.000 --> 00:28:14.000 I'm going, okay. 609 00:28:14.000 --> 00:28:17.000 I remember now shampoo with that conditioner. 610 00:28:17.000 --> 00:28:18.000 I remember. 611 00:28:18.000 --> 00:28:19.000 It's all coming back to me now. 612 00:28:19.000 --> 00:28:24.000 But the fact that I had to think about it. 613 00:28:24.000 --> 00:28:27.000 Hallelujah. 614 00:28:27.000 --> 00:28:32.000 I'm sharing this because some of you have just known me in a victorious state. 615 00:28:32.000 --> 00:28:38.000 But I want you to know that I have smacked the floor and kissed the floor multiple times. 616 00:28:38.000 --> 00:28:43.000 I'm just giving you one particularly colorful story. 617 00:28:43.000 --> 00:28:51.000 But God was there and He redeemed me from the pit. 618 00:28:51.000 --> 00:28:57.000 And whatever you're going through today, I want you to know that if you're not dead, he's not done. 619 00:28:57.000 --> 00:29:02.000 And that God is with you and that his specialty is delivering from pain. 620 00:29:02.000 --> 00:29:04.000 Amen. 621 00:29:04.000 --> 00:29:06.000 Amen. 622 00:29:06.000 --> 00:29:09.000 I want to read a couple of scriptures to you. 623 00:29:09.000 --> 00:29:17.000 Psalm 103 verses 1 through 5. 624 00:29:17.000 --> 00:29:22.000 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me. 625 00:29:22.000 --> 00:29:24.000 Bless His holy name. 626 00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:29.000 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits. 627 00:29:29.000 --> 00:29:34.000 Who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases. 628 00:29:34.000 --> 00:29:38.000 Who redeems your life from destruction. 629 00:29:38.000 --> 00:29:41.000 Who crowns you with loving kindness and tender mercies. 630 00:29:41.000 --> 00:29:48.000 Who satisfies your mouth with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles. 631 00:29:48.000 --> 00:29:50.000 Let's just go back to verse 4. 632 00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:53.000 Who redeems your life from destruction. 633 00:29:53.000 --> 00:29:55.000 Who do you believe in church? 634 00:29:55.000 --> 00:29:58.000 He redeems your life from destruction. 635 00:29:58.000 --> 00:30:00.000 Stuff will happen. 636 00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:01.000 Stuff will happen. 637 00:30:01.000 --> 00:30:04.000 You live in a fallen world, so stuff is going to happen. 638 00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:07.000 I believe God good, devil bad. 639 00:30:07.000 --> 00:30:11.000 God gives good stuff, Satan sends bad stuff. 640 00:30:11.000 --> 00:30:16.000 And sometimes bad stuff just happens because you're living in a fallen world. 641 00:30:16.000 --> 00:30:21.000 One thing you hear, unbelievers, atheists, those who don't have a proper understanding of the scripture, 642 00:30:21.000 --> 00:30:23.000 they always blame God for everything. 643 00:30:23.000 --> 00:30:25.000 If there's a car wreck, what's the first thing you hear? 644 00:30:25.000 --> 00:30:30.000 Why did God allow that car full of children to crash and go off a cliff? 645 00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:32.000 Why did God allow? 646 00:30:32.000 --> 00:30:34.000 Why do you think he allowed it? 647 00:30:34.000 --> 00:30:39.000 What do you think? He's a giant puppet master in the sky controlling every single thing? 648 00:30:39.000 --> 00:30:43.000 If that were true, then it would be fair to say he's doing a terrible job. 649 00:30:43.000 --> 00:30:45.000 But that's not true. 650 00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:48.000 There are other wills here. 651 00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:50.000 There is the enemy warring against humanity. 652 00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:52.000 There's people with free wills. 653 00:30:52.000 --> 00:30:56.000 And some stuff just happens because we live in a fallen world. 654 00:30:56.000 --> 00:31:00.000 And as a Christian, our sense is bad things happen in a fallen world. 655 00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:02.000 But I'm not of this world. 656 00:31:02.000 --> 00:31:03.000 I'm of God. 657 00:31:03.000 --> 00:31:12.000 My citizenship is in heaven, so by faith we contend that we are in a protected bubble of God's glory of his protection, 658 00:31:12.000 --> 00:31:15.000 sealed with the blood of Jesus and the Holy Spirit. 659 00:31:15.000 --> 00:31:18.000 But sometimes it happens, stuff gets in. 660 00:31:19.000 --> 00:31:20.000 What do you do then? 661 00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:24.000 You look to God and you never quit and you never give up. 662 00:31:24.000 --> 00:31:27.000 The one voice, yeah, I kept hearing. 663 00:31:27.000 --> 00:31:30.000 It was like a broken record. 664 00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:34.000 Like a record on a loop just over was quit. 665 00:31:34.000 --> 00:31:35.000 Quit, quit. 666 00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:36.000 You need to stop. 667 00:31:36.000 --> 00:31:37.000 Quit the church. 668 00:31:37.000 --> 00:31:38.000 It's close to nothing but pain. 669 00:31:38.000 --> 00:31:39.000 You can't handle it anymore. 670 00:31:39.000 --> 00:31:40.000 Look at you. 671 00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:42.000 Man make you depressive disorder. 672 00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:43.000 Anxiety. 673 00:31:43.000 --> 00:31:45.000 You're in a mental hospital, pastor. 674 00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:47.000 You should just quit. 675 00:31:47.000 --> 00:31:50.000 And then I think of what the Lord has done since then. 676 00:31:50.000 --> 00:31:53.000 I think if I had quit, what? 677 00:31:53.000 --> 00:32:00.000 I would have missed out on the best and the biggest that God still had yet in store. 678 00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:01.000 Don't you quit. 679 00:32:01.000 --> 00:32:04.000 Don't you abort the promise of God. 680 00:32:04.000 --> 00:32:06.000 Don't short circuit that blessing. 681 00:32:06.000 --> 00:32:07.000 Never, ever quit. 682 00:32:07.000 --> 00:32:08.000 Amen. 683 00:32:08.000 --> 00:32:10.000 Hallelujah. 684 00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:16.000 Psalm 40 verse 2. 685 00:32:16.000 --> 00:32:21.000 For all the people who feel like they're in a pit right now, 686 00:32:21.000 --> 00:32:26.000 which according to my estimation, could be as high as one-fifth of you right now. 687 00:32:26.000 --> 00:32:31.000 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the myry clay, 688 00:32:31.000 --> 00:32:37.000 and set my feet upon a rock and established my steps. 689 00:32:37.000 --> 00:32:42.000 This is who he is and this is what he does. 690 00:32:42.000 --> 00:32:47.000 The Savior of the world, the deliverer of his people, 691 00:32:47.000 --> 00:32:52.000 who redeems from the horrible pit, Psalm 30 verse 3. 692 00:32:52.000 --> 00:32:55.000 O Lord, you brought my soul up from the grave. 693 00:32:55.000 --> 00:33:04.000 You have kept me alive that I should not go down to the pit. 694 00:33:04.000 --> 00:33:12.000 I just felt something in my spirit. 695 00:33:12.000 --> 00:33:14.000 The Lord loves you. 696 00:33:14.000 --> 00:33:15.000 Listen to me. 697 00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:18.000 I'm not saying that in this general way. 698 00:33:18.000 --> 00:33:20.000 My God just loves. 699 00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:23.000 No, he loves you. 700 00:33:23.000 --> 00:33:25.000 He's counted every here on your head. 701 00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:26.000 He knows your name. 702 00:33:26.000 --> 00:33:27.000 He's called you out by name. 703 00:33:27.000 --> 00:33:29.000 He cares about you. 704 00:33:29.000 --> 00:33:31.000 And God loves ugly. 705 00:33:31.000 --> 00:33:33.000 Yeah, he does. 706 00:33:33.000 --> 00:33:36.000 And without Jesus, we're all pretty ugly. 707 00:33:36.000 --> 00:33:39.000 And I've been doing this long enough to know we all have secret stuff. 708 00:33:39.000 --> 00:33:40.000 Secret stuff we're battling. 709 00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:43.000 This is what I feel the Lord interrupted, what I was saying. 710 00:33:43.000 --> 00:33:45.000 Because there's some people here. 711 00:33:45.000 --> 00:33:46.000 You're bound. 712 00:33:46.000 --> 00:33:47.000 You have addictions. 713 00:33:47.000 --> 00:33:52.000 And one of the main things you battle is self-hatred. 714 00:33:52.000 --> 00:33:57.000 Self-hatred because you feel like you're a failure and you need to snap out of that. 715 00:33:57.000 --> 00:33:59.000 That is a demon. 716 00:33:59.000 --> 00:34:02.000 That is a demon reinforcing his lives. 717 00:34:02.000 --> 00:34:07.000 You start thinking like that and then imagining negativity and bad things happening to you in your future. 718 00:34:07.000 --> 00:34:11.000 You're actually replaying Satan's wish list for your life. 719 00:34:11.000 --> 00:34:12.000 That needs to be cut out. 720 00:34:12.000 --> 00:34:13.000 You need to look to the Lord. 721 00:34:13.000 --> 00:34:15.000 Pastor Moses said something just in the intro. 722 00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:23.000 He said, if you're not enjoying Christianity, if you're not enjoying your salvation, you're doing it wrong. 723 00:34:23.000 --> 00:34:26.000 Yeah, very true, very accurate. 724 00:34:26.000 --> 00:34:33.000 And if you're under guilt, shame, condemnation, self-loathing, you are constantly feeling like you're letting God down. 725 00:34:33.000 --> 00:34:39.000 In that state, where you feel like you're letting God down, why don't you look to Him and just go, God help. 726 00:34:39.000 --> 00:34:41.000 God, I need you. 727 00:34:41.000 --> 00:34:42.000 Form Christ in me. 728 00:34:42.000 --> 00:34:44.000 Take me higher. 729 00:34:44.000 --> 00:34:46.000 Transform me more. 730 00:34:46.000 --> 00:34:50.000 Just one prayer like that. He becomes rushing in. 731 00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:54.000 Do not stop. Do not stop in short circuit. His hand from working in your life. 732 00:34:54.000 --> 00:34:58.000 Because he's still working. He's molding. He's shaping. 733 00:34:58.000 --> 00:35:01.000 You're maybe disgusted with you. You've lost patience with you. 734 00:35:01.000 --> 00:35:04.000 He's not like you, thank God. Amen. 735 00:35:04.000 --> 00:35:08.000 He's not like me. He's long suffering. 736 00:35:08.000 --> 00:35:11.000 Very, very kind, very, very patient. 737 00:35:11.000 --> 00:35:16.000 One thing when you're going through it, Jesus made a promise. 738 00:35:16.000 --> 00:35:20.000 He said, no one can snatch you out of my hand. No one. 739 00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:23.000 But people can jump out. 740 00:35:23.000 --> 00:35:26.000 So don't jump out. 741 00:35:26.000 --> 00:35:31.000 Don't quit. Don't quit the Lord. Don't allow bitterness into your heart. 742 00:35:31.000 --> 00:35:35.000 Keep holding His hand even if it's messy and ugly. Amen. 743 00:35:35.000 --> 00:35:37.000 Amen. 744 00:35:37.000 --> 00:35:41.000 Worship team, you can come on up. 745 00:35:41.000 --> 00:35:45.000 Lamentations three versus 55 through 57. 746 00:35:45.000 --> 00:35:47.000 And let's get communion ready. 747 00:35:47.000 --> 00:35:50.000 Because we're going to pray and we're going to receive communion. 748 00:35:50.000 --> 00:35:53.000 And I want to pray for you. We're receiving communion. 749 00:35:53.000 --> 00:35:59.000 When we do, we're partaking of the victory of Jesus. 750 00:35:59.000 --> 00:36:04.000 And what I'm trusting specifically is that any force of the enemy, 751 00:36:04.000 --> 00:36:08.000 anything not of God, would not just get disrupted, 752 00:36:08.000 --> 00:36:12.000 but completely dismantled and would fall to the ground in your life, 753 00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:14.000 in Jesus' name. 754 00:36:14.000 --> 00:36:17.000 And then you're filled with divine patience and heavenly endurance. 755 00:36:17.000 --> 00:36:21.000 That if you're going through it, you can still put one foot in front of the other 756 00:36:21.000 --> 00:36:24.000 and say a hallelujah. 757 00:36:24.000 --> 00:36:27.000 Even while you're putting one foot in front of the other in pain, 758 00:36:27.000 --> 00:36:29.000 you can still say a hallelujah. 759 00:36:29.000 --> 00:36:33.000 That there's a hallelujah anyhow. 760 00:36:33.000 --> 00:36:35.000 Lamentations says, 761 00:36:35.000 --> 00:36:39.000 because I called on your name, O Lord, from the lowest pit. 762 00:36:39.000 --> 00:36:42.000 There's something about just calling on the name of Jesus. 763 00:36:42.000 --> 00:36:44.000 You can begin passing them. Thank you. 764 00:36:44.000 --> 00:36:49.000 You have heard my voice. Do not hide your ear from my sighing, 765 00:36:49.000 --> 00:36:54.000 from my cry for help. Do not hide your ear from my sighing. 766 00:36:54.000 --> 00:37:00.000 Thank you. That was about 80% of my prayer life. 767 00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:03.000 Now, he's not always going to respond to a prayer like that, 768 00:37:03.000 --> 00:37:05.000 but if you're going through it, he will. 769 00:37:05.000 --> 00:37:07.000 He's going to give you mercy. 770 00:37:07.000 --> 00:37:09.000 In other words, I couldn't even pray. 771 00:37:09.000 --> 00:37:12.000 It was just, ah! 772 00:37:12.000 --> 00:37:15.000 Ah! 773 00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:18.000 You know, he hears those. 774 00:37:18.000 --> 00:37:22.000 If your heart is open to him, you're still looking to Jesus, 775 00:37:22.000 --> 00:37:24.000 maker of heaven and earth. He hears that. 776 00:37:24.000 --> 00:37:27.000 He hears that better than a polished prayer. 777 00:37:27.000 --> 00:37:31.000 I called on your name, O Lord, from the lowest pit. 778 00:37:31.000 --> 00:37:33.000 Next verse. 779 00:37:33.000 --> 00:37:37.000 You have heard my voice. Do not hide your ear from my sighing, 780 00:37:37.000 --> 00:37:40.000 from my cry for help. 781 00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:45.000 You drew near on the day I called on you and said, 782 00:37:45.000 --> 00:37:48.000 do not fear. 783 00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:51.000 And second Corinthians, one ten, 784 00:37:51.000 --> 00:37:56.000 who delivered us from so great a death and does deliver us 785 00:37:56.000 --> 00:38:03.000 in whom we trust that he will still deliver us. 786 00:38:03.000 --> 00:38:07.000 Thank you, Jesus. 787 00:38:07.000 --> 00:38:10.000 Hallelujah. 788 00:38:10.000 --> 00:38:19.000 Hallelujah. 789 00:38:19.000 --> 00:38:21.000 And when you're going through it, don't allow what you're going through 790 00:38:21.000 --> 00:38:23.000 to shape your theology. 791 00:38:23.000 --> 00:38:26.000 Your theology should be shaped by the Word of God and the Word of God alone, 792 00:38:26.000 --> 00:38:28.000 not by your circumstances. 793 00:38:28.000 --> 00:38:31.000 Because after I went through what I went through and some people said, 794 00:38:31.000 --> 00:38:35.000 so God let you go through that so you could learn, no! 795 00:38:35.000 --> 00:38:38.000 God did use that as a great learning example, 796 00:38:38.000 --> 00:38:41.000 but he didn't bring it upon my life, so I would learn. 797 00:38:41.000 --> 00:38:43.000 But it happened. 798 00:38:43.000 --> 00:38:46.000 And yes, I learned a lot from it. 799 00:38:46.000 --> 00:38:48.000 It's made me a better human being, a better pastor, 800 00:38:48.000 --> 00:38:50.000 a better father, a better husband, 801 00:38:50.000 --> 00:38:54.000 more patient, more merciful, kinder, gentler, 802 00:38:54.000 --> 00:38:58.000 not some good pride out of me. 803 00:38:58.000 --> 00:39:03.000 It's impossible to be proud when your sweatpants are falling off of you. 804 00:39:03.000 --> 00:39:05.000 You got no shoelaces. 805 00:39:05.000 --> 00:39:07.000 My wife was teasing me afterwards. 806 00:39:07.000 --> 00:39:10.000 She said, you came back with all this lingo. 807 00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:12.000 She's like, you kept talking about sharps. 808 00:39:12.000 --> 00:39:14.000 I'm like, oh yeah, razor blade. 809 00:39:14.000 --> 00:39:17.000 There's like no sharps policy, baby, no sharps. 810 00:39:18.000 --> 00:39:21.000 Beard and stuff, I couldn't trim properly. 811 00:39:21.000 --> 00:39:23.000 Yeah, you can, no sharps. 812 00:39:23.000 --> 00:39:26.000 What else did I say? What's one of the things? 813 00:39:26.000 --> 00:39:29.000 Anything besides, that was the main one. 814 00:39:29.000 --> 00:39:30.000 What else was there? 815 00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:33.000 There were some other things you teased me about. 816 00:39:33.000 --> 00:39:35.000 All right. 817 00:39:39.000 --> 00:39:42.000 Thank you, Lord. 818 00:39:43.000 --> 00:39:45.000 This is good. 819 00:39:45.000 --> 00:39:47.000 I hope you've been encouraged also. 820 00:39:47.000 --> 00:39:49.000 Also, in addition to you being encouraged, 821 00:39:49.000 --> 00:39:52.000 encouraged, it serves as a great filter. 822 00:39:52.000 --> 00:39:54.000 For people who are really called to CityLight 823 00:39:54.000 --> 00:39:56.000 and for those who are absolutely repulsed right now 824 00:39:56.000 --> 00:39:57.000 and I'll never see you again. 825 00:39:57.000 --> 00:40:01.000 This is how we keep just the Hale and Hardy committed ones. 826 00:40:01.000 --> 00:40:03.000 But there's also good things. 827 00:40:03.000 --> 00:40:05.000 Like somebody might find out you're going to CityLight 828 00:40:05.000 --> 00:40:07.000 and they're like, oh, your pastor's crazy. 829 00:40:07.000 --> 00:40:09.000 And you can be like, no, he isn't. 830 00:40:09.000 --> 00:40:11.000 And he has the documents to prove it now. 831 00:40:11.000 --> 00:40:13.000 He has his release forms and so he's not. 832 00:40:13.000 --> 00:40:15.000 And you correct them and let them know. 833 00:40:15.000 --> 00:40:17.000 He's totally fine now. 834 00:40:27.000 --> 00:40:29.000 God, we love you. 835 00:40:29.000 --> 00:40:31.000 You are good. 836 00:40:31.000 --> 00:40:34.000 Save us as a declaration of faith. 837 00:40:34.000 --> 00:40:38.000 In the name of Jesus, I receive your body and blood. 838 00:40:39.000 --> 00:40:41.000 Your body was broken for me. 839 00:40:41.000 --> 00:40:44.000 Your blood was shed for me. 840 00:40:44.000 --> 00:40:47.000 To take away my sins. 841 00:40:47.000 --> 00:40:52.000 Victory, over death, hell, and the grave 842 00:40:52.000 --> 00:40:56.000 was purchased for me with your broken body 843 00:40:56.000 --> 00:40:58.000 and your shed blood. 844 00:40:58.000 --> 00:41:03.000 I receive now the victory of Christ into my life 845 00:41:04.000 --> 00:41:08.000 and your delivering power in Jesus' name. 846 00:41:08.000 --> 00:41:10.000 Amen. 847 00:41:33.000 --> 00:41:36.000 That you have been reminded how much God loves you 848 00:41:36.000 --> 00:41:39.000 and that you are surrounded by grace. 849 00:41:39.000 --> 00:41:41.000 Thank you for listening. 850 00:41:41.000 --> 00:41:43.000 Make sure that you subscribe to CityLight Church Podcast 851 00:41:43.000 --> 00:41:47.000 wherever you find your favorite podcasts worldwide.