WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.040 I have shed friends every season of my life. 2 00:00:03.040 --> 00:00:10.480 My close circle has always been very, very small, very, very small, very, very small, very, very small. 3 00:00:10.480 --> 00:00:11.840 Um, nonexistent. 4 00:00:11.840 --> 00:00:16.560 Um, I also feel like I grow really quickly because I don't hold on to things long. 5 00:00:16.560 --> 00:00:19.680 The moment something doesn't provide me value, I shed it. 6 00:00:19.680 --> 00:00:22.320 I think about my life in three to five year seasons. 7 00:00:22.320 --> 00:00:28.320 First, I was a high school womanizer for the most part and then I was also like really deeply angry. 8 00:00:28.320 --> 00:00:32.480 I had high school friends that when I left high school, I basically stopped being in contact with them. 9 00:00:32.480 --> 00:00:37.120 And then I had my come to Jesus where my dad was like, you suck as human, you have terrible reputation, 10 00:00:37.120 --> 00:00:38.480 maybe you should stop being who you are. 11 00:00:38.480 --> 00:00:41.040 Cleaned up my act, I stopped drinking nearly as much as I was. 12 00:00:41.040 --> 00:00:43.280 I started going to school and studying 12 hours a day, 13 00:00:43.280 --> 00:00:46.080 pressing the fraternity, and that was my college season. 14 00:00:46.080 --> 00:00:47.280 And I had college friends. 15 00:00:47.280 --> 00:00:51.920 And then when I left college, I'm pretty much stopping in contact with anyone that I went to college with. 16 00:00:51.920 --> 00:00:56.880 Most people suck at most things and aren't bound for greatness because of who they are and the choices they're willing to make. 17 00:00:56.960 --> 00:01:02.080 The stories about friends leaving the hometown and no longer remember where they're from 18 00:01:02.080 --> 00:01:08.480 is one that is told by society because society is the majority, the majority of people get left behind. 19 00:01:08.480 --> 00:01:12.400 If you look at the things that you want to get in life, there's a price for them. 20 00:01:12.400 --> 00:01:14.480 You don't buy everything you see in the mall, why not? 21 00:01:14.480 --> 00:01:15.920 Because you don't want to pay the price. 22 00:01:15.920 --> 00:01:18.640 Just because you might think that a shirt or jacket is cool, 23 00:01:18.640 --> 00:01:22.400 just because you think an outcome is awesome, you might not be willing to make the trade. 24 00:01:22.400 --> 00:01:24.560 Winners and losers have the same goals. 25 00:01:24.560 --> 00:01:26.080 The goal doesn't make you unique. 26 00:01:26.080 --> 00:01:28.160 It's the willingness to pay the price that makes you unique. 27 00:01:28.160 --> 00:01:29.760 Because I'm like, I don't want to be rich. 28 00:01:29.760 --> 00:01:36.560 One of the reasons that I cut people out sooner than most is because I do not like the labels they speak over me. 29 00:01:36.560 --> 00:01:40.000 One of the big things with identity is the labels that we say about ourselves. 30 00:01:40.000 --> 00:01:44.400 I am X, I am impatient, I am angry, I am whatever, right? 31 00:01:44.400 --> 00:01:46.000 I am poor, I'm like saying it. 32 00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:50.320 People in your past have the identity that they know you as, 33 00:01:50.400 --> 00:01:55.040 and then they will speak and they will beat that label into you because you're not matching their pattern. 34 00:01:55.040 --> 00:01:56.160 Why have you changed? 35 00:01:56.160 --> 00:02:01.120 You are X, you are Y, and you're trying to not be that because you're doing something different than 36 00:02:01.120 --> 00:02:04.400 changing, you're growing, but they see it as change. 37 00:02:04.400 --> 00:02:06.640 And that's why the best response in the world to someone who says, 38 00:02:06.640 --> 00:02:08.560 Hey, you've changed is to say, yeah, you haven't. 39 00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:12.960 The amount you like or love someone is directly proportional to what you're willing to give up 40 00:02:12.960 --> 00:02:14.400 to maintain their relationship. 41 00:02:14.400 --> 00:02:17.680 For example, if there's a piece of shit car, right, you work on it all the time, 42 00:02:17.680 --> 00:02:21.280 you might say, that guy must really love it because of how much time he puts into that thing. 43 00:02:21.280 --> 00:02:24.800 This guy must really love his country because he's willing to give his life for it. 44 00:02:24.800 --> 00:02:27.200 What are you willing to give an exchange to maintain their relationship? 45 00:02:27.200 --> 00:02:30.720 If you're not willing to give up basically anything to maintain their relationship, 46 00:02:31.760 --> 00:02:33.120 then how much do you love him? 47 00:02:33.120 --> 00:02:35.280 I think it's been a very helpful filter for me to say, 48 00:02:35.280 --> 00:02:38.320 not do I love my friends, but which friends do I love the most? 49 00:02:38.320 --> 00:02:41.840 Which friends am I willing to sacrifice the most to keep their relationship? 50 00:02:41.840 --> 00:02:43.520 And I am a big believer in utility. 51 00:02:43.520 --> 00:02:45.200 There is an exchange in every relationship. 52 00:02:45.200 --> 00:02:47.440 You get something and they get something back. 53 00:02:47.520 --> 00:02:50.160 People don't like the idea that relationships are transactional. 54 00:02:51.200 --> 00:02:52.000 But they are. 55 00:02:52.000 --> 00:02:55.040 Transactional just has a commercial vibe to it. 56 00:02:55.040 --> 00:02:57.600 But if we just think about it as from a behavior standpoint, 57 00:02:57.600 --> 00:02:59.600 you've got two things that can happen. 58 00:02:59.600 --> 00:03:02.480 A behavior is reinforced or it is punished. 59 00:03:02.480 --> 00:03:03.200 That's it. 60 00:03:03.200 --> 00:03:05.120 When you have exchanges quite literally with people, 61 00:03:05.120 --> 00:03:08.000 those exchanges are either reinforced or they're punished. 62 00:03:08.000 --> 00:03:11.440 Part of the strength of the relationship is how long you're willing to wait for the next time 63 00:03:11.440 --> 00:03:12.880 that relationship is reinforced. 64 00:03:12.880 --> 00:03:16.320 If you have a long history of positive experiences with a person, 65 00:03:16.400 --> 00:03:18.880 you're willing to wait a longer period of time if they're going through a breakup, 66 00:03:18.880 --> 00:03:21.440 they're having a hard time to keep the relationship going. 67 00:03:21.440 --> 00:03:24.080 But at some point, even if you've been friends with somebody for 10 years, 68 00:03:24.080 --> 00:03:26.080 if there's just not any positive reinforcement, 69 00:03:26.080 --> 00:03:28.560 at some point, you do cut it off. 70 00:03:29.120 --> 00:03:31.360 The people who are surrounded with when we grow up, 71 00:03:31.360 --> 00:03:35.440 it's very unlikely just from a population standpoint that they're going to be great, 72 00:03:35.440 --> 00:03:38.640 statistically that they're going to be the top 1% or 0.1% is unlikely. 73 00:03:38.640 --> 00:03:41.280 So it would make sense that you change your friends over time. 74 00:03:41.280 --> 00:03:45.440 Why do people get so weird about keeping relationships that don't serve them? 75 00:03:45.440 --> 00:03:48.800 I think it's just because we have a societal story around it that you're a bad friend, 76 00:03:48.800 --> 00:03:52.080 but I could also think of me being as a good friend to my next friend that I just made room for. 77 00:03:52.080 --> 00:03:56.000 There's going to be a friend who's going to move into my spot on my buddy's calendar 78 00:03:56.000 --> 00:03:57.600 who does want to do fantasy football, 79 00:03:57.600 --> 00:04:00.080 who does want to drink with him on Sunday, so it's not this like, 80 00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:02.080 all right, I'll go to the game with you, but I'm not drinking. 81 00:04:02.080 --> 00:04:03.600 Dude, you're not going to come on, man. 82 00:04:03.600 --> 00:04:05.440 Because the other guy's like, yeah, shot's all around. 83 00:04:05.440 --> 00:04:06.640 And they're going to have a blast. 84 00:04:06.640 --> 00:04:09.280 They would better be served with people who want the same things as them. 85 00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:13.920 Just because I'm not seeing them anymore doesn't mean that I don't wish them well. 86 00:04:13.920 --> 00:04:17.920 But if someone only tells you the stories and when you got fucked up and why you did that stupid thing, 87 00:04:17.920 --> 00:04:21.520 they're encouraging and retelling you the story of who you used to be. 88 00:04:21.520 --> 00:04:26.320 And you want people around you who don't believe the lies you used to tell about yourself. 89 00:04:26.320 --> 00:04:28.880 The character trait shift is not a binary. 90 00:04:28.880 --> 00:04:30.880 It's how patient are you? 91 00:04:30.880 --> 00:04:32.080 How kind are you? 92 00:04:32.080 --> 00:04:33.040 How loyal are you? 93 00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:34.160 How honest are you? 94 00:04:34.160 --> 00:04:38.080 And so you want people who will encourage you in the behaviors that you want to be like. 95 00:04:38.080 --> 00:04:41.600 And this is why like shedding identities is such a core part of entrepreneurship 96 00:04:41.600 --> 00:04:44.960 is that you have to be willing to say, I am no longer this way. 97 00:04:44.960 --> 00:04:46.480 I will no longer behave in this way. 98 00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:48.480 And I don't accept that reality as truth. 99 00:04:49.280 --> 00:04:50.880 Many of the people I had around me, 100 00:04:50.880 --> 00:04:54.000 A, weren't willing to pay the price that I was willing to pay for the things that I wanted. 101 00:04:54.000 --> 00:04:57.920 But also wanted me to give them more than I was willing to. 102 00:04:57.920 --> 00:05:01.360 And so I'll give you a story that will paint me in a bad light and that's fine. 103 00:05:01.360 --> 00:05:04.080 There was a teacher that I grew up with in high school. 104 00:05:04.080 --> 00:05:08.720 And he's the one who stayed with me after school for a year and worked out with me. 105 00:05:08.720 --> 00:05:10.160 Two hours a day and he taught me how to work out. 106 00:05:10.160 --> 00:05:11.920 I got in shape, got more confidence, 107 00:05:11.920 --> 00:05:14.560 better at school, from there that snowballed into me getting to fitness. 108 00:05:14.560 --> 00:05:16.000 Huge catalyst snowball. 109 00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:19.200 Somebody heard that story and then found the teacher and they linked us. 110 00:05:19.200 --> 00:05:21.200 He was like, hey man, I'm not as it for a lot. 111 00:05:21.200 --> 00:05:23.200 I would love to just have like a two hour call every week. 112 00:05:24.240 --> 00:05:26.720 I was like a two hour call every week. 113 00:05:27.360 --> 00:05:29.200 I was like, I don't even talk to my mother that much. 114 00:05:29.200 --> 00:05:30.240 I don't talk to anybody that much. 115 00:05:30.240 --> 00:05:31.600 I talk to my wife, that's it. 116 00:05:31.600 --> 00:05:32.880 The value of the relationship was in the past. 117 00:05:32.880 --> 00:05:34.720 Maybe like Alex, you're a horrible person and that's possible. 118 00:05:34.720 --> 00:05:35.280 Maybe I am. 119 00:05:35.280 --> 00:05:37.440 I was not willing to give two hours a week, 120 00:05:37.520 --> 00:05:39.760 a hundred hours a year for the rest of my life, 121 00:05:40.400 --> 00:05:42.480 to pay a debt for somebody who worked out with me. 122 00:05:42.480 --> 00:05:43.840 Because we only have so much juju. 123 00:05:43.840 --> 00:05:44.640 We only have so much time. 124 00:05:44.640 --> 00:05:47.920 We only have so much focus, so much energy that we can pour into things. 125 00:05:47.920 --> 00:05:50.240 And if you're not putting all your energy in one direction, 126 00:05:50.240 --> 00:05:52.160 it's scattered and then you don't move this fast. 127 00:05:52.160 --> 00:05:55.040 My closest friend, I spend one hour a week with every week. 128 00:05:55.040 --> 00:05:56.880 My closest friend, like clockwork. 129 00:05:56.880 --> 00:05:58.160 It's my highest party meeting. 130 00:05:58.160 --> 00:05:59.760 It is something that brings me joy. 131 00:05:59.760 --> 00:06:01.200 And we get lots of exchange with one other. 132 00:06:01.200 --> 00:06:02.960 He's the one who helps me write my book, Dr. Cassie. 133 00:06:02.960 --> 00:06:03.920 Dr. Cassie here. 134 00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:05.440 I get a lot from that. 135 00:06:05.440 --> 00:06:07.360 Now, if I didn't get anything from that, 136 00:06:07.360 --> 00:06:09.920 over time, slow down the communication between us. 137 00:06:09.920 --> 00:06:11.760 I would make it every other week once a month. 138 00:06:11.760 --> 00:06:13.760 If you slow down your communication cadence with someone, 139 00:06:13.760 --> 00:06:16.000 how frequently you see them and when you accept invitations, 140 00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:17.120 it naturally fizzles. 141 00:06:17.120 --> 00:06:19.280 But if it gets to a point where it's someone's like so close 142 00:06:19.280 --> 00:06:21.280 that it would be obvious and a conversation needs to be had, 143 00:06:21.920 --> 00:06:23.760 I encourage you to just have it. 144 00:06:23.760 --> 00:06:26.240 You want to be a kind person. 145 00:06:26.240 --> 00:06:28.400 And the way you are kind is that you tell the truth. 146 00:06:28.400 --> 00:06:29.360 And you just be honest. 147 00:06:29.360 --> 00:06:30.960 And the easiest way that I can tell you to be honest 148 00:06:30.960 --> 00:06:33.120 is you know when you talk about somebody behind their back, 149 00:06:33.120 --> 00:06:34.640 just say it to them. 150 00:06:34.720 --> 00:06:36.880 It's like, yeah, Sandra's been like all over the place lately. 151 00:06:36.880 --> 00:06:38.560 And she's like, I don't drink it a little bit too much. 152 00:06:39.280 --> 00:06:41.440 Sandra, you've been all over the place lately. 153 00:06:41.440 --> 00:06:42.480 You've been drinking a little bit too much. 154 00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:44.240 I'm just not sure if I want to say it with that right now. 155 00:06:44.240 --> 00:06:45.520 People just don't have the balls to do that. 156 00:06:45.520 --> 00:06:47.760 But if you do that, I promise you, you either have better relationships 157 00:06:47.760 --> 00:06:50.000 or you'll be done with this Mickey Mouse bullshit 158 00:06:50.000 --> 00:06:51.680 of not even being in a real relationship 159 00:06:51.680 --> 00:06:53.360 and not wanting to come from a reality. 160 00:06:53.360 --> 00:06:55.840 Because you may have a shot at getting them to realize 161 00:06:55.840 --> 00:06:58.160 that they're not on the path that they wanted to be on. 162 00:06:58.160 --> 00:06:59.760 Because you were friends with them at some point. 163 00:06:59.760 --> 00:07:01.680 And so either your goals have changed or theirs have. 164 00:07:01.680 --> 00:07:05.520 If you listen to Kobe's interviews where he talks about his friends, 165 00:07:05.520 --> 00:07:09.040 he says very explicitly that he's willing to put everything 166 00:07:09.040 --> 00:07:11.200 on the altar for his dream. 167 00:07:11.200 --> 00:07:14.240 Now, some people make make the argument that's not quote healthy. 168 00:07:14.240 --> 00:07:16.000 The question that we're answering here is not 169 00:07:16.000 --> 00:07:17.520 how do we do healthy stuff? 170 00:07:17.520 --> 00:07:19.360 Question is how do we become the greatest? 171 00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:22.560 People will judge you on how you spend time 172 00:07:22.560 --> 00:07:24.800 and their judgments are simply expressions 173 00:07:24.800 --> 00:07:27.360 that they would not spend their time the same way you do. 174 00:07:27.360 --> 00:07:29.120 Hey, you work a lot. 175 00:07:29.120 --> 00:07:31.520 And I could say, hey, you don't. 176 00:07:31.520 --> 00:07:33.840 To the same degree, it's like, you spend so much time with your kids. 177 00:07:35.200 --> 00:07:38.240 Right? If I say it like that, people are like, wait, no, I'm supposed to. 178 00:07:38.240 --> 00:07:40.320 It's only the supposed to, this thing that gives 179 00:07:40.320 --> 00:07:41.920 all the emotional charge to these conversations. 180 00:07:41.920 --> 00:07:43.440 Otherwise, it's just observing reality. 181 00:07:43.440 --> 00:07:44.640 You can't expect to do the same thing 182 00:07:44.640 --> 00:07:46.640 everyone else is doing and then somehow achieve a different outcome. 183 00:07:46.640 --> 00:07:48.320 Once you have the vacuum of friends 184 00:07:48.320 --> 00:07:49.840 because you'll probably have weeded people out, 185 00:07:49.840 --> 00:07:51.440 then the best thing to do is join communities. 186 00:07:51.440 --> 00:07:53.040 And then you'll make friends people in those communities 187 00:07:53.040 --> 00:07:54.240 who have the same goals as you. 188 00:07:54.240 --> 00:07:56.480 And then if you crush it because you understand 189 00:07:56.480 --> 00:07:58.560 that volume is the answer and time is the ingredient, 190 00:07:58.640 --> 00:08:02.240 you're going to rise in that community and you'll gain more status and you'll 191 00:08:02.240 --> 00:08:04.080 start hanging out with people who are at the top of that community 192 00:08:04.080 --> 00:08:05.920 and then you can leap frog into other communities. 193 00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:07.760 It's just lunch tables on steroids. 194 00:08:07.760 --> 00:08:09.440 I've wanted to live a rare life 195 00:08:09.440 --> 00:08:12.240 until I will have to be surrounded by rare people 196 00:08:12.240 --> 00:08:13.920 and rare people are by definition rare. 197 00:08:13.920 --> 00:08:14.880 They're not common. 198 00:08:14.880 --> 00:08:16.560 My hope is that the people that I meet now 199 00:08:16.560 --> 00:08:18.320 are trying to go all the way with me. 200 00:08:18.320 --> 00:08:20.160 I want to do epic shit. 201 00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:22.960 If I die and don't do epic shit, I will be bummed. 202 00:08:22.960 --> 00:08:25.600 How much am I willing to endure or sacrifice 203 00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:29.200 in order to maintain that relationship that I have with my dream? 204 00:08:29.200 --> 00:08:31.680 If I have many, many friends over different seasons, 205 00:08:31.680 --> 00:08:33.040 I'm totally cool with that. 206 00:08:33.040 --> 00:08:34.000 Thank you for that season. 207 00:08:34.000 --> 00:08:35.040 It was awesome. 208 00:08:35.040 --> 00:08:39.280 I don't believe things need to be forever to be good.