WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.520 Today I'm going to be talking about why you can't accept compliments. 2 00:00:03.520 --> 00:00:07.520 So if you're someone who's ambitious, someone who's always trying to get better at what you do, 3 00:00:07.520 --> 00:00:11.200 which I think is most people who are listening to this, I think you're going to relate to this, 4 00:00:11.200 --> 00:00:17.200 because here's the thing. Most people think not being able to take a compliment is about low 5 00:00:17.200 --> 00:00:22.800 self-esteem, or it could be imposter syndrome, or it could be some kind of false modesty where 6 00:00:22.800 --> 00:00:27.360 you're fishing for more praise. I don't think that's it. I actually think it's simpler than that, 7 00:00:27.360 --> 00:00:33.120 because I have a tough time accepting compliments. I think you can't accept the compliment, 8 00:00:33.120 --> 00:00:37.920 because you know you can do better, because if you're listening to this, you are going through life 9 00:00:38.480 --> 00:00:43.760 trying to be the best version of yourself. You are obsessed with improvement and you know, 10 00:00:43.760 --> 00:00:49.840 shipping good work, and when somebody compliments you, you're tough on yourself. You can see exactly 11 00:00:49.840 --> 00:00:57.200 where you fell short, even if they can't, and accepting the compliment, accepting that this work 12 00:00:57.200 --> 00:01:04.160 deserved praise, it almost feels like you're accepting that this is as good as it gets, which you 13 00:01:04.160 --> 00:01:10.960 don't believe. So this is a big deal for me. I think it's not always healthy, but let's talk about 14 00:01:10.960 --> 00:01:15.040 it because it's a real feeling that people have. Someone messaged me the other day about something 15 00:01:15.600 --> 00:01:20.080 I'd written. They said it was incredible. Best thing I've put out in a while, and I'm sitting there 16 00:01:20.080 --> 00:01:25.520 staring at this message, trying to figure out how to respond. And I know I should just say thank you, 17 00:01:25.520 --> 00:01:30.000 that's what normal people do. Someone compliments your work, you say thanks, you move on with your day. 18 00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:34.640 So I type thanks, I appreciate it, and then I delete it because it feels wrong, it feels too simple, 19 00:01:34.640 --> 00:01:39.040 it feels like I'm agreeing with them, right? Then I type thanks, still figuring it out though, 20 00:01:39.040 --> 00:01:44.000 and then I delete that too, because now it sounds like I'm fishing for more compliments. So 21 00:01:44.080 --> 00:01:50.080 I settle on, thanks man, means a lot, still working and getting better, I had sent. I immediately 22 00:01:50.080 --> 00:01:55.040 feel like a liar, and it's not because the newsletter was bad, it's because I know personally, 23 00:01:55.040 --> 00:02:00.480 I know exactly where it falls short. I spent four hours on the opening, I rewrote it six times, 24 00:02:00.480 --> 00:02:05.200 it's still not quite right, the rhythm is off in the third paragraph, the example in the middle 25 00:02:05.200 --> 00:02:10.560 is good but not great. I used it because I couldn't think of a better one, and the ending feels rushed 26 00:02:10.640 --> 00:02:14.800 because I shipped it on deadline instead of taking another day to write and finish it and perfect it. 27 00:02:14.800 --> 00:02:19.440 They're calling it incredible, I'm seeing every compromise that I made, and this happens every 28 00:02:19.440 --> 00:02:25.120 single time, and it's not just this one piece, obviously. Last year someone I deeply respect, 29 00:02:25.120 --> 00:02:30.000 someone whose opinion really really matters to me, read something that I'd worked on for three weeks, 30 00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:35.840 so three weeks of editing, rewriting, obsessing over it, and then they message me, this is some of 31 00:02:35.920 --> 00:02:40.400 the best writing I've seen from you, you've hit a new level, and I wanted to believe them, 32 00:02:40.400 --> 00:02:45.520 and I really did, but I could still see where the transition in the second section was clunky, 33 00:02:45.520 --> 00:02:50.320 and where I used this decent story instead of this perfect one that I couldn't remember, it wasn't 34 00:02:50.320 --> 00:02:56.800 the best story to use for this article, and then the ending, it didn't land as well as I wanted it to, 35 00:02:56.800 --> 00:03:02.400 so they saw the finished piece, I saw a piece that got to maybe 85% of what I wanted it to be, 36 00:03:02.400 --> 00:03:09.040 and 85% doesn't feel like a new level, 85% kind of feels like settling, so this isn't a one-off 37 00:03:09.040 --> 00:03:13.280 occurrence. What's actually happening here? Why does this keep happening? Why do I keep feeling 38 00:03:13.280 --> 00:03:17.200 this way? Why do some of us keep feeling this way about compliments? It's because when someone 39 00:03:17.200 --> 00:03:23.120 compliments you, they're measuring your work against what exists in the world, against what other 40 00:03:23.120 --> 00:03:27.600 people are doing, and against what they've seen before. They're looking at the landscape, 41 00:03:27.600 --> 00:03:32.400 and they're saying, this stands out. You're measuring it against something completely different. 42 00:03:32.400 --> 00:03:37.360 You're measuring it against what you saw in your head before you made it, against the perfect 43 00:03:37.360 --> 00:03:42.560 version that existed in your imagination, against what you know is possible if you just had more time 44 00:03:42.560 --> 00:03:48.880 or more skill or more clarity. So they're judging the output, and you're judging the gap between 45 00:03:48.880 --> 00:03:54.080 the output and the potential, and that's not in posture syndrome. Composter syndrome is thinking 46 00:03:54.080 --> 00:03:58.400 you're a fraud, thinking you don't deserve to be where you are. This is very different. 47 00:03:58.400 --> 00:04:04.320 This is having a standard higher than your current execution. You know exactly how good you are? 48 00:04:04.320 --> 00:04:11.360 You just also know how good you could be, so the compliment asks you to accept that this is good 49 00:04:11.360 --> 00:04:16.800 enough, that you've arrived, that you can stop pushing, but you can see what the next level looks 50 00:04:16.800 --> 00:04:22.240 like, and you can see exactly where you've compromised, where you settled, where you've ran out of time 51 00:04:22.240 --> 00:04:27.680 or ability or energy. So accepting the compliment feels like accepting mediocrity, 52 00:04:27.680 --> 00:04:33.120 like lowering your standard to match their perception, and you refuse not because you're modest, 53 00:04:33.120 --> 00:04:38.640 but because you're protecting something. You're protecting the gap. The gap between where you are, 54 00:04:38.640 --> 00:04:43.840 and where you could be, and that gap is the only thing that's keeping you moving forward. 55 00:04:43.840 --> 00:04:49.040 Now, here's what's very interesting about this. The better you get, the harder it becomes to accept 56 00:04:49.040 --> 00:04:54.480 compliments, which sounds completely backwards, but it's true. Beginners accept praise easily. 57 00:04:54.480 --> 00:04:59.040 Someone says this is good, and they believe it. They have no reference point for better. They 58 00:04:59.040 --> 00:05:03.440 haven't studied enough great work to know what great actually looks like, so when someone says 59 00:05:03.440 --> 00:05:07.680 good job, they think, okay, I guess this is good, but once you know what great looks like, 60 00:05:07.680 --> 00:05:12.000 once you've seen it, you've studied it, you've internalized it, you cannot unsee it. See, 61 00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:17.520 I've read thousands of pieces of writing at this point. I've listened to thousands of hours of 62 00:05:17.520 --> 00:05:22.880 podcasts. I've studied people who are at the top of their game. I know what truly great looks like. 63 00:05:22.880 --> 00:05:28.480 I know what it feels like when someone absolutely nails it, so every piece of work that I make 64 00:05:28.480 --> 00:05:33.360 gets measured against that standard, and most of what I make fall short, and it's not short 65 00:05:33.360 --> 00:05:37.760 compared to what other people are doing. It's short compared to what I know is possible, 66 00:05:38.320 --> 00:05:43.600 and I think this is the key difference between amateurs and professionals. The amateur asks, 67 00:05:43.600 --> 00:05:48.880 is this better than what other people are doing? The professional asks, is this as good as 68 00:05:48.880 --> 00:05:54.880 what I'm capable of? And those questions produce completely different answers, and also completely 69 00:05:54.880 --> 00:05:59.840 different standards, and this creates a very real problem that never goes away because the gap 70 00:05:59.840 --> 00:06:07.280 between imagination and execution never closes. So what you see in your head will always be better 71 00:06:07.280 --> 00:06:12.880 than what you make. Always. Imagination has no constraints, so in your head you have unlimited time, 72 00:06:12.880 --> 00:06:18.320 unlimited skill, unlimited clarity, but in reality you have deadlines and limits and the 73 00:06:18.320 --> 00:06:23.200 constraints of your current ability in just real life. And it gets worse because the better you get 74 00:06:23.200 --> 00:06:29.520 at executing, the better your imagination gets at envisioning. So your taste improves faster 75 00:06:29.520 --> 00:06:34.000 than your skills and your standard keeps rising. See, I published something last month that did 76 00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:38.560 better than anything I've done in a while. It was a podcast episode. There was more engagement, 77 00:06:38.560 --> 00:06:44.880 more shares, more messages from people telling me at home. So by every external metric, it was a 78 00:06:44.880 --> 00:06:51.760 success. I should have felt great, but I felt anxious again because I knew where I'd compromise. 79 00:06:51.760 --> 00:06:57.040 I knew it was good, but not great. Everyone treating it like it was great made me feel like I was 80 00:06:57.040 --> 00:07:04.320 lying to them. And that's the cost of high standards. And that's why a lot of high performing people 81 00:07:04.400 --> 00:07:10.640 never really fully celebrate their work. You never get to sit back and enjoy the win because you 82 00:07:10.640 --> 00:07:15.760 always see what's missing and you have to give yourself some grace some time. But here's what I've 83 00:07:15.760 --> 00:07:23.040 also come to realize. The gap isn't the problem. The gap is the standard. So this idea is good and 84 00:07:23.040 --> 00:07:28.720 bad at the same time. It's good because it keeps pushing you to do better work. It's bad because 85 00:07:28.720 --> 00:07:34.160 you don't celebrate how incredible you've become. But back to this idea about the gap not being 86 00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:38.880 the problem, the gap being the standard, people who easily accept compliments, they have no gap. 87 00:07:38.880 --> 00:07:43.920 What they imagine matches what they make, which means they're not seeing anything beyond what 88 00:07:43.920 --> 00:07:48.560 they've already done. So they've stopped reaching. The gap is how you know you're still growing, 89 00:07:48.560 --> 00:07:53.280 still refusing to settle. So your inability to accept compliments actually isn't a weakness. 90 00:07:53.280 --> 00:07:58.720 It's evidence that you can see better that you're aiming higher than what you've hit. And I've 91 00:07:58.720 --> 00:08:01.840 seen this in people that I've interviewed over the years. The ones who keep getting better 92 00:08:01.920 --> 00:08:07.600 decade after decade, they all have the gap. They all deflect compliments and it's not because they 93 00:08:07.600 --> 00:08:12.960 don't know their work is good. They know they just know it could be better and could be better 94 00:08:12.960 --> 00:08:19.120 is the only standard worth protecting. So the next time someone compliments your work and you feel 95 00:08:19.120 --> 00:08:23.840 that urge to deflect, recognize what's happening. You're not being modest. You're not refusing 96 00:08:23.840 --> 00:08:30.640 to settle. You are seeing the gap between good and great and you're choosing to keep aiming for great. 97 00:08:30.640 --> 00:08:35.120 I don't want you to fix that. I want you to protect it. You can say thank you if you want. 98 00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:40.400 It's fine. You're not a liar for saying thank you. You can be polite. But at the same time, 99 00:08:40.400 --> 00:08:46.480 don't fully believe them. Keep the standard high. Keep seeing the gap because the gap is what makes 100 00:08:46.480 --> 00:08:51.200 you better than you were yesterday. And better than yesterday is the only metric that matters.