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Welcome to Living Influence. I'm your host, Scott Boyd, along with my friend and mentor, Bill. Hey, Scott. How are you doing today, Bill? I'm doing well. Thank you, brother. That's good. By the way, Bill shot one stroke under his age last week. Is that right? I'm not telling anybody except all of you.

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It was an 85. 85. And you're 86. I am. That's pretty amazing. It was. So this week we're continuing on the topic of maturity. Maturity is measured by how well you're loved and how well you love. And that's important, the order there. How critical. Because... What we're talking about is critical. Unless you're loved...

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You cannot love. You cannot love. That's a strong statement. It's a very strong statement. You're sticking by it, though. I am. We're going to talk about it. And how vulnerable you are to others, allowing others to make a significant contribution into your life is the foundation you will make in others. Yeah, yeah. There's some powerful statements here. Yeah, and that's like, that one took a turn I wasn't expecting, so...

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Allowing others to make a significant contribution in my life is the foundation from which you will make a contribution to theirs. Yeah. Yeah. That's really good. That's powerful. Let's back that last one up.

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Because it has a super negative implication. There is a reason most people have nothing to give because they've never received anything. They've never received anything. There are a lot, we know this, Scott. There are a lot of really miserable people who will tell you they were never loved well. Mm-hmm.

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but they've never connected their personal misery with the fact they weren't loved well, and they've never connected how that limits their ability to love. So this is a really important insight. It's saying this, what I receive will ultimately be that which I'm giving. We love God because, we know this, we're Christians, we love God because he first loved us.

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Jesus' instructions to the disciples was, I want you to love one another, but I've given you a model. I want you to love one another. I want you to love one another just as I have loved you. Yeah. Let me say this to every parent out here. You cannot love your children well if you are not willing to be loved yourself. Mm-hmm.

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I didn't say you don't want to love your children. What I said was you can't love your children well if you are not first willing to receive love. There is an incredible connection between what I receive and what I give. Mm-hmm. If I don't receive love, I can't give love. Mm-hmm.

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If I don't receive from you care, I can't give care. If I don't receive. So, wow, Bill, you're getting it. It sounds like you're saying it all backwards. I mean, I can muscle up and I can get a lot of things done. I didn't say couldn't get things done. I didn't say that. You can get a lot of things done. What I said was.

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You as a human being are in relationship with others, and there are principles of grace that literally are foundational to who you are becoming and how you are benefiting others. There are principles of life relationally. And that dynamic we just said about love, that's a principle of life described by Jesus for our benefit.

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So over some time, over some time, I've thought a bit about, well, how did Jesus love us? Okay, if I'm to love like Jesus, what did he do? Yeah. Yeah.

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And I discovered that what he did was he was very intentional to meeting my needs, very intentional to meeting our needs. So if I'm going to love you like Jesus loves me, I'm going to be very intentional about meeting your needs. Yeah. But, there's a huge but in the middle here, but I can't do it if you won't let me. Mm-hmm.

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We love him because he first loved us. Even we are not experiencing the love of God until we let God love us. Even we are not experiencing love. Now, God is love. Oh, my gosh. You mean I can't experience the love of the God who is love until I let him love me? Exactly. That's just what I said. That's exactly the best way I can say it.

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As we think about this transaction transfer dynamic, could I just ask everyone, think seriously about yourself for a minute. Who is making, the words we just used, who is making significant contribution to your person? Mm-hmm.

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because that is the foundation from which you will make significant contribution to the other persons in your life.

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I allow my wife to make significant contribution to me. Exactly. I allow her to correct me. Exactly. I allow her to tell me when my hair's out of place or I'm not being kind. Or whatever. Or whatever. When you let her do it. That becomes the foundation where I then have influence with her.

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And others. And others. See, her contribution to you at that point gives you the freedom to have that contribution to him or her or them. Yeah. Let me back you up just a little bit. How do I let God love me? I like that question a lot. Yeah. Partly it's this.

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Am I willing, this is a good way to say it, am I willing to let my God who loves me meet my needs? Okay. Am I going to do that? So how do, give me, in other words, get more practical. Am I going to let Jesus die for my sin?

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Okay. Am I going to do that? Yeah. Am I going to take care of my sin or I'm going to let Jesus take care of my sin? Am I going to let him love me at a place called Calvary? Yeah. Those are heavy words. Am I going to let him die for my sin? Exactly. It's like, wait, no. No. Oh, he's going to die for my sin. No, am I going to let him die for my sin? Yeah. Because he's my Savior. Yeah. Am I going to let him into my reality? Yeah.

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See, it's like lots of times in my city, across the table from hundreds of people, they'll say something like, well, I knew my dad loved me, but. Yeah. What do you mean, but? I don't know if I ever received this love. I don't know if I ever experienced this love. I don't know if I ever let him. So often what we do as humans is we go, well, you don't love me.

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The question we should be asking is not, you don't love me, am I letting you love me? Am I letting you love me? Am I letting God love me?

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So let's just pause there. Please. On dads. Yeah, on dads, yeah. I knew my dad loved me, but I don't know if he ever expressed it to me. Men get beat up a lot for that. Yeah. Like, you know, we love our children, but we don't express it to them enough. And you were talking about it right then as another component of that.

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was not dad's component, but the child's component. Did the child let him love them? Yeah. So let's add that dimension. Thank you. Thank you. Do you know that I will not let the God of love love me if I don't trust the God of love? Yeah. So you just added that component. Let's talk about that with a child. With a dad. With a dad.

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The child has to first trust the father to let the father they trust love them. Yeah. And I'm going to scream that at all of us as dads. We wrote that book on parenting, you know, the cure for parents. And in there, we scream 50,000 times in the book, dads, the most important gift you'll ever give your child is to be a dad they can trust.

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Yeah. So back to this, I'm going to let you love me. Who? Who am I going to let love me? Someone I trust. Yeah. When I trust God, I can experience his love. Scott, you're one of my very dearest friends. I trust you, brother. I really do trust you. And I know I'm experiencing your love. Yeah. I know that I am. Yeah. There's no doubt in my mind.

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Yeah, yeah. So that relationship is critical. So as a dad, the question, it's kind of like a premature question. How can I love my kids more? No, premature question. Here's the question your children need you to answer. What do you have to do for your children to even trust you more? To trust you more. Trust you more. Are they safe with you? Do they, I say this to a lot of dads,

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Do you know they innately fear your authority, Dad? It's critical they learn to trust your person. If your children do not know you, they will not trust you. But because you're their dad, they'll comply to you, but they won't let you love them. So that's just—that's a truism of all of humanity. My material is mesh, but I go, well, I'm loved.

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But in order to be loved well, I have to let somebody love me. Well, who would I let love me? Oh, gosh. Now, Bill, you're really freaking us out. Now I've got to trust someone in order for them to love me.

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Scott, I've done a lot of marriage consult over the years with lots of couples. And I say, tragically, sometimes it's a man or the woman, but one of them has decided to be immoral. Whatever that, that's not even the point. But every time I've discovered

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The greater pain in the person, let's say this person has an affair, the greater pain for this person is not that they had an affair. The greater pain is that they changed the definition of the relationship. That's what they did.

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and they left me in a relationship of commitment that has been violated. So the greater pain in me is not that they had an affair, the greater pain in me is that the commitment changes the relationship. Yeah. Oh, that's so painfully powerful. Yeah. And so as we think about this dynamic,

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Who am I letting love me again? Who am I being vulnerable? Who am I intentionally letting make a significant contribution to my life? Yeah. Some time ago, Scott,

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I began to understand some of these principles, and I began to understand how critical they are for me. And so lots of times when I meet with leaders that are in transition, I'll say to them, very boldly, I'll say to them, what you do next is never as important as who you do next with. Why? Because what you do next will be based on your competency.

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But who you do next with will be based on your relationship. And your relational needs cannot ever be met in your competency. Oh, that's really good. They cannot. Yeah. Your relational needs will never be met. In your competency. In your competency. They can't be. Yeah. So what happens is leaders who are leading out of their capacity but are not relationally strong lead in isolation.

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And eventually, and this is an interesting truth, the number one cause of leadership dysfunction is isolation. The number one cause. It is the greatest reason that leaders fail. We've just said 22 mouthfuls just now. But it's true in every relationship.

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In every relation or in every dynamic of life, if I can just grasp this, my willingness to receive your love, my willingness to receive your contribution to my life is the foundation from which I contribute to others. Yeah. If we could just see that. Yeah. How am I letting?

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I mean, as our children are maturing, are we letting our children contribute to who we are becoming? I've got a funny personal family story.

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When our son Bill was 15 and Wendy was 13 and Joy was 8, Young Life put out a questionnaire for families. And we had a whole bunch of questions. And Grace and I looked at us, hey, let's ask the kids, would they like to go up to our friend's cabin? And let's go up there this weekend and let's go through this questionnaire together. Oh, yeah, we'd love to, Dad. So we all went up there.

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And it was very simple, very, very simple rules. It would tell you who read. Dad reads, son, child reads, mom reads. It's just to tell you who reads. And the rules were simple. Whoever was the reader, you read it twice. Then you would say go, and the family would answer. Comes time for dad to read. Yeah. Simple question. If there was one thing you could change about your father, what would it be? If there was one thing you could change about your father, what would it be? Go.

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All three kids, just like that, wrote something down. I mean, just that quick. Next question. If there was one thing you could change about your mother, what would it be? If there was one thing you could change about your mother, what would it be? Go. And they all went, oh, man. I don't know. I said, write something. They couldn't think anything for grace. Yours was immediate. So I said to the kids, what did you write for dad? All three of them wrote impatience.

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Oh my gosh, it was one of my great learning moments as a father. Very, very painful for this guy. And I said to the kids, wow, I'm really sorry. Boy, I've really impacted you. And our daughter went, they started crying. Then she started sobbing. And I said to the kids, because, you know, I'm this teacher guy. I got to take control of this thing. So I said to the kids, and the next time,

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I'm impatient, just tell me. Son builds 50. He says, Dad, you're the last person I would talk to when he's impatient.

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And Wendy's still crying. She can't even talk. And I'm here. Okay, well, that didn't work. So I'll tell you what I'll do. Guys, I really want you to help me with this. I need your help. Remember when you did something and you were little and we gave you 10 cents when you hit a star? Well, every time I'm impatient, please write it down. And this was years ago, so it was worth something. I said, I'll give you 50 cents.

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And Bill ignored me, and I'll talk to you about Wendy in a minute, but our younger daughter, I think it was 10 days later, she went to a 5- or 10-cent store with her mother and bought a little notebook. And say 10 days later, she sits me down and she says, Dad, you owe me $17.50. But the key to the story was our daughter Wendy.

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Because I learned something from my children that day. I learned that my impatience was wounding them. And Wendy said these words to her dad. Dad, when you're impatient, you always make me feel like I'm not enough. I'm too slow. I'm not smart. I feel dumb.

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I was breaking my daughter's heart, and I didn't even know it, Scott. That hurt. It was so painful, but it was wonderful. A wonderful pain. Yeah. It was a wonderful pain. It applies to this lesson, but it was a wonderful pain because it did something. It broke me open to the benefit of my children, and all of us benefited tremendously from what I learned. So I sum that up by just saying...

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Dads, moms, look over your shoulder and have the courage to ask this question. Ask your children, how am I affecting you?

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I've learned that from then, Scott. I've done that a lot since then with my children and my friends with you. Yeah, that's amazing. I have a question. Are you a leader? And when we talked about the greatest cause of failure and leadership is isolation, did that resonate with you? And if it did,

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I want to invite you to just check out livinginfluenceleadership.com. Thank you. We've got a conference for leaders to talk about these very things. It's going to affect more than your company, more than the people you think you lead. It's going to affect your life, your family, your marriage. Amen. And we'd love to see you there. Hey, we appreciate you joining.

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